酷我-北美枫

Lake · 发表于: 星期三一月 17, 2007 3:03 pm 发表主题: An Autumn Dusk

发一首散散的，松松的，轻松轻松。 Smile

An Autumn Dusk

Onto an open field
A girl rides bike
Her mama walks beside
Clouds float, breeze blows
Birds chirp over rippling streams
A classical line mama recites:
The autumn river shares
A scenic hue with the vast sky
The evening glow parallels with
A lonely duck to fly.

“O mama,” exclaims the girl
I’ll write a poem, too
‘A Late Bloomer’.”
Mama’s face glows in the twilight
“I need help with words
but do not change my idea
nor use grown-up words.”

There, sings the girl—
A stretch of green grassland
bloomed with golden
wild chrysanthemums
only one flower of violet
not yet in full blossom
but she is in no hurry
knowing when it comes
her time, naturally
she will flower
this is my mama

The song echoes in the dusk

秋日的黄昏

在空旷的原野上
女孩儿骑着单车
妈妈在一旁散步
晚风习习，彩云飘飘
鸟儿唧唧，溪水粼粼
妈妈不由地轻声吟唱：
“落霞与孤鹜齐飞
秋水共长天一色”

“噢，妈妈！” 女孩儿叹道：
“我也要写一首诗
名叫‘迟开的花’”
妈妈脸上映着余晖
露出欣喜的微笑
“你要帮我选词
但别改我的意思
也别用大人的口气。”

只听女孩儿仰头唱起－
一片绿色的草地
开满了黄色的野菊花
只有一朵紫罗兰
还没有完全开放
可她一点儿也不着急
她心里知道
该开花的时候
她自然而然就会开
这就是我的妈妈

歌声在暮色中回荡

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anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

It is good to begin with children poems...

more natural and happy

----
“O mama,” exclaims the girl
I’ll write a poem too,
‘A Late Bloomer’.”
Mama’s face glows in the twilight
“I need help with words
but do not change my idea
nor use grown-up words.”
---- this verse is not like real.... not like what a child say... (my opinion)

you may check with others... like 博学...Kokho
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

Lake · 发表于: 星期三一月 17, 2007 10:25 pm 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期三一月 17, 2007 10:39 pm 发表主题:

Ok...

You know my son sometimes the same...too smart to argue

anyway nice try.

I love Emily Dickinison's poems.

Sometimes I feel hers kind childish... in a lovely and naive way.
_________________

Lake · 发表于: 星期五一月 19, 2007 10:36 am 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期五一月 19, 2007 11:14 am 发表主题:

You know. most of contemporary poems cannot be read for children.

But Emily Dickinison's poems, they love. adults love them too.

That is what I want to say...

When I was asked to read in school, I always felt mine were for adult, could not read in school... thus I want to learn to write some for children.
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Lake · 发表于: 星期一一月 22, 2007 10:38 pm 发表主题:

奇怪，就这么两三几天，竟有这么多点击，有没有搞错？接错哪条线了？ Shocked

星子 · 发表于: 星期二一月 23, 2007 8:46 am 发表主题:

I guess it is HEI KE....

I check my Blog... the same...
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ljm001 · 发表于: 星期二一月 23, 2007 6:31 pm 发表主题:

Good poem.

"I need help with words ..."

"words": how about "wording"?

By the way, as for children's poems, it's better to use children's kiddie langguage rather than children's adult language, if we intend them for children's poems.

Just as Anna noted in her first response, that she didn't feel the words were kiddie words while Lake insisted they were. It's quite clear that the readers judge only from the words and styles seen in poems and our porms are written for, mostly, our readers instead of ourselves.

Just my own opinion.
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听坡上林涛低鸣，看崖下海浪拍岸

Lake · 发表于: 星期三一月 24, 2007 12:24 am 发表主题:

谢谢星子和星海的意见(啊，你们的名字有意思)。既然你们都认为这首不属于儿童诗的范畴，我就把括号内的“儿童散文诗”几个字删去。其实属于什么类型的诗，不重要，只是觉得这首诗很简单，母女两人在一起散步，聊天, spent a quality time , 如此而已。

把“儿童”去掉了，读者愿怎么想随读者去了。

" wording" 听起来更具成人味吧？ Wink

孩子还不会说“措词”呢。

再次重申，这些话是女孩儿11岁时说的。Period!

(OT :记得以前 Mark 博曾贴了一首高中生的诗，那孩子的词汇量大得惊人，别说英语非母语的人了，就是英语为第一语言的，我看未必都读得懂他的东东。）

Again, thanks for your comments.
Smile