酷我-北美枫

Lake

(Comments, suggestions are appreciated. Since this is my very first English poem, please be gentle... Smile

)

What Brought It On

To me, poetry used to be the stars
in the space, so mysterious, remote
that I could only admire but dare not
come close. For the forms, voice, meters and rhymes
in the classical all sound too rigid;
while the modern free verses tend to throw
me into the dark sea. Until one day,
a little boat, on the wings of dream, sailed to
the ten thousand lakes, loaded with nothing
luxurious but sparks from her heart furnace –
breeze, warmth, inspiration and sympathy
opened up a door to the poetry.
Never have I indulged in it before,
Never would I live without it after.

.

星子 · 发表于: 星期五十二月 15, 2006 11:55 pm 发表主题:

---to take or not, up to you....
Poetry used to be stars
mysterious, remote

My suggestion is to get rid of some words that has no adding meanings.

----You need to give the readers punch, not explanation....
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Lake · 发表于: 星期六十二月 16, 2006 12:50 am 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期六十二月 16, 2006 9:28 am 发表主题:

Then we have different styles.

I like the ending. Agree.
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Lake · 发表于: 星期六十二月 16, 2006 9:57 am 发表主题:

博弈 · 发表于: 星期日十二月 17, 2006 12:47 pm 发表主题:

十四行，不赖（

），但不够‘自白’
要把‘我’再褪掉一些，
这一首有三段，都是十四行，可以参考

放点音乐，这首会让人眼热的吧？

WOMAN! when I behold thee flippant, vain,
Inconstant, childish, proud, and full of fancies;
Without that modest softening that enhances
The downcast eye, repentant of the pain
That its mild light creates to heal again:
E’en then, elate, my spirit leaps, and prances,
E’en then my soul with exultation dances
For that to love, so long, I’ve dormant lain:
But when I see thee meek, and kind, and tender,
Heavens! how desperately do I adore
Thy winning graces; - to be thy defender
I hotly burn - to be a Calidore -
A very Red Cross Knight - a stout Leander -
Might I be loved by thee like these of yore.

Light feet, dark violet eyes, and parted hair;
Soft dimpled hands, white neck, and creamy breast,
Are things on which the dazzled senses rest
Till the fond, fixed eyes, forget they stare.
From such fine pictures, heavens! I cannot dare
To turn my admiration, though unpossess’d
They be of what is worthy, - though not drest
In lovely modesty, and virtues rare.
Yet these I leave as thoughtless as a lark;
These lures I straight forget - e’en ere I dine,
Or thrice my palate moisten: but when I mark
Such charms with mild intelligences shine,
My ear is open like a greedy shark,
To catch the tunings of a voice divine.

Ah! who can e’er forget so fair a being?
Who can forget her half retiring sweets?
God! she is like a milk-white lamb that bleats
For man’s protection. Surely the All-seeing,
Who joys to see us with his gifts agreeing,
Will never give him pinions, who intreats
Such innocence to ruin, - who vilely cheats
A dove-like bosom. In truth there is no freeing
One’s thoughts from such a beauty; when I hear
A lay that once I saw her hand awake,
Her form seems floating palpable, and near;
Had I e’er seen her from an arbour take
A dewy flower, oft would that hand appear,
And o’er my eyes the trembling moisture shake.

---John Keats
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Sometimes I am busy
Sometimes I am free
In between, there's it
Until I find thee...

kokho · 发表于: 星期日十二月 17, 2006 2:03 pm 发表主题:

很好的开始：））

多写，多尝试。。。

。
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乒乓、摄影、诗歌

kokho · 发表于: 星期日十二月 17, 2006 2:36 pm 发表主题:

What Brought It On

To me, poetry used to be the stars
in the space, so mysterious, remote
that I could only admire but dare not
come close. For the forms, voice, meters and rhymes

<>Twinkles in the night sky
<>adorned with forms, voice, meters and rhymes

in the classical all sound too rigid;
while the modern free verses tend to throw
me into the dark sea.

<>Where free verses are the black velvet space
<>which tends to confuse...

Until one day,
a little boat, on the wings of dream, sailed to
the ten thousand lakes, loaded with nothing
luxurious but sparks from her heart furnace –
breeze, warmth, inspiration and sympathy
opened up a door to the poetry.

<> A kayak arrived with wings, one night
<> Within a blink before daybreak ...
<> Across ten thousand lakes, she ferries
<> a spark, which ignites the furnace of inspiration
<> and releases a flow of warmth compassion
<> and a breeze of carefree-ness

Never have I indulged in it before,
Never would I live without it after.

<> Henceforth, an incessant poetic indulgence pervades

《》《》《》This is a matter of story telling with suspense and surprise...
_________________
乒乓、摄影、诗歌

kokho · 发表于: 星期日十二月 17, 2006 2:40 pm 发表主题:

<>Twinkles in the night sky
<>adorned with forms, voice, meters and rhymes -- 《起》

<> A kayak arrived with wings, one night
<> Within a blink before daybreak ... --《承》

<> Across ten thousand lakes, she ferries --《转》
<> a spark, which ignites the furnace of inspiration
<> and releases a flow of warmth compassion
<> and a breeze of carefree-ness

<> Henceforth, an incessant poetic indulgence pervades --《结》

《》Hope this is useful to you... Very Happy

。。
_________________
乒乓、摄影、诗歌

Lake · 发表于: 星期日十二月 17, 2006 10:57 pm 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期日十二月 17, 2006 11:24 pm 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期一十二月 18, 2006 11:13 pm 发表主题:

研读多遍。没的说，像是重新打造，比“原创”上了个台阶。

无论是从poetry technicality, semantics, word choice, and flow of ideas 哪方面来看，都上了层楼。收藏了。

细看，诗行中还多处用韵：

kokho · 发表于: 星期二十二月 19, 2006 12:23 am 发表主题:

Henceforth 《》Thereafter; Since then ??

indulgence 《-》let me try another closing here

<><>

Since then, an aftertaste of bonne bouche pervades
_________________
乒乓、摄影、诗歌

Lake · 发表于: 星期二十二月 19, 2006 10:34 pm 发表主题:

再读，读出好几个 k 音出来。我想 Kokho 这回是无意的吧。Or is that because of the kk in your name? Laughing

kokho · 发表于: 星期二十二月 19, 2006 11:48 pm 发表主题:

This is still a WIP = work in progress...

Awaiting your total re-construction Laughing

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乒乓、摄影、诗歌