酷我-北美枫

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

I thought of me, a rock.
So I talked in an ancient way.
The rain fell over me,
carving dark lines.
Nobody saw redness beneath.
"Nor I” the lonely rock sighed.

Yet at dawn when light breaks through,
you lift me and dust off my face.
In your eyes,
I see myself
with wings.
_________________
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Gold

The rising price makes you hot.
Fingers clawing, people chase after you.
On their weary journey, weeds stand tall.

We hold hands, carrying nothing
more than the present.
Delighted with our journey,
we see each a present.
_________________
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

星子 · 发表于: 星期五四月 01, 2011 12:59 pm 发表主题:

Overall, I like this. There is a problem with S1, at least for me. In S1L1, you self-identify as the rock, but in S1L6 you have the rock speaking in the third-person. Perhaps that line --

"Nor I” the lonely rock sighed.

-- is not even necessary. This would allow the redness to transition directly to the dawn.

Fred
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星子 · 发表于: 星期五四月 01, 2011 12:59 pm 发表主题:

I agree with Fred. Yes, I will remove the line.

Anna
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