酷我-北美枫

[anna]

History teacher pointed to an ancient map
where civilization began long before the Great Wall was built;
the school supervisor sighed, “better to come from a poor family
that was liberated by the Communist Party.”
I asked why, but my parents kept an unbroken silence.
Less and less I quested for the answer,
as I got used to passing by still walls.

At the age of 18, I left home for the big cities
where reform had started to bloom.
Doors just opened, fashion, high-tech
and visions of freedom from the Western
squeezed in. I became a fan of Modernism
and dreamt of an ideal life in the changing world.

After twenty, I crossed the ocean.
Stepping into the Melting Pot,
I found myself trapped,
my tongue numb in a stiff knot.
The smell of burning greenbacks spread.
My American dream was shattered.

Legends of their ancestors
receded behind thick smog,
Flags of Bailout flapped like hollow souls,
I questioned what to believe.

Above the history teacher’s fading map,
I saw a black tie, his voice choking:
“The cradle of civilization was where
we came from.”
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

History teacher pointed to an ancient map
where civilization began long before the Great Wall was built;
the school supervisor sighed, “better to come from a poor family
that was liberated by the Communist Party.”
I asked why, but my parents kept an unbroken silence.
Less and less I quested for the answer,
as I got used to passing by still walls.

At the age of 18, I left home for the big cities
where reform had started to bloom.
Doors just opened, fashion, high-tech
and visions of freedom from the Western
squeezed in. I became a fan of Modernism
and dreamt of an ideal life in the changing world.

After twenty, I crossed the ocean.
Stepping into the Melting Pot,
I found myself trapped,
my tongue numb in a stiff knot.
The smell of burning greenbacks spread.
My American dream was shattered.

Legends of their ancestors
receded behind thick smog,
Flags of Bailout flapped like hollow souls,
I questioned what to believe.

Above the history teacher’s fading map,
I saw a black tie, his voice choking:
“The cradle of civilization was where
we came from.”
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

Posted by arabianlady

Hi Anna.

I think you could open with a specific identification as to location. Where is the speaker taking her history class? Is she in China or the US? That's an important distinction.

At first I assumed she was in China, owing to the references to the Great Wall and the Communist Party. But with the Melting Pot reference further on, I wondered whether this was the US after all, since that term is quintessentially American. Has the speaker moved there? Or is this a reference to the Americanization of her own culture and values?

The strength of this piece lies in its authentic voice; the speaker has clearly lived through all these events. I'd like to see a bit more emotional response to them as it does become a bit telly in places. Maybe more specific imagery - fashion, high tech could be further expanded as they're quite generalized.

In S3 the emotional aspect is introduced, although not explored all that deeply. In the end, the poem's impact comes largely from the personal element. I suggest you retain that as a strong feature throughout. Most of us know what happened to the US economy but it's the individual's situation and reaction that make for the most compelling read. The part about being confused as to what's real and what can be believed is really important. Again, it is personal.

The last stanza is rich in irony. It's a very long way from the cradle of civilization to the imagined (and almost-realized) fall of a great power.

This poem contains many areas that generate further thought. It has been a most interesting read for me, living as I do in Canada where we suffered an economic downturn but escaped the worst of the fallout. But it's been a lesson well learned, at great cost to many people's lives.

Brenda

lavenderSwing wrote:Our history teacher pointed to an ancient map
where [the] civilization began long before the Great Wall was built;
the school supervisor sighed, “better to come from a poor family
that was liberated ! by the C ommunist Party.” ... better, of course, than what other alternatives? Interesting lead-in to the next few lines.
I asked why, but my parents kept an unbroken silence.
Less and less I quested for the answer,
as I got used to passing by still walls.

At the age of 18, I left home for the big cities
where reform (had) started to bloom.
Fashion, high-tech and [topics] (discussions?) about freedom
from the western world
squeezed through the doors which had lately opened,(.)
I became a fan of Modernism
and dreamt [for] (of) an ideal life in the changing world.

Sinking into the Melting Pot, ... here is where it becomes less clear that the N is still in China
I found myself trapped,
my tongue numb in a dead knot. ... This is powerful! It could be made even more so if you add a bit more detail to it before moving from personal response to the state of the country.
The smell of burning Greens spread. ... Greens as in dollars? (I ask this because here in Canada, we have a political party called Green, with a capital G). Greenbacks, maybe?
The American Dream was tangled. ... Can a dream be "tangled" or might there be some other description that better suits this image?

Legends of their ancestors
receded behind thick smog[s], ... really like this!
Flags of Bailout (flap?? blow??)) like hollow souls, ... I think this line does need a verb.
I questioned what to [behold] (believe?).

Upon the history teacher’(s) fading map,
I saw a black tie knotting tightly,
I could hear his voice choking: ... The black tie image seems more connected to a tie around his neck rather than the map. Not suite sure I can follow the connection here.
“The cradle of civilization was where we [were] (came) from.”
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Posted by arabianlady

Hi Anna.

I think you could open with a specific identification as to location. Where is the speaker taking her history class? Is she in China or the US? That's an important distinction.

At first I assumed she was in China, owing to the references to the Great Wall and the Communist Party. But with the Melting Pot reference further on, I wondered whether this was the US after all, since that term is quintessentially American. Has the speaker moved there? Or is this a reference to the Americanization of her own culture and values?

The strength of this piece lies in its authentic voice; the speaker has clearly lived through all these events. I'd like to see a bit more emotional response to them as it does become a bit telly in places. Maybe more specific imagery - fashion, high tech could be further expanded as they're quite generalized.

In S3 the emotional aspect is introduced, although not explored all that deeply. In the end, the poem's impact comes largely from the personal element. I suggest you retain that as a strong feature throughout. Most of us know what happened to the US economy but it's the individual's situation and reaction that make for the most compelling read. The part about being confused as to what's real and what can be believed is really important. Again, it is personal.

The last stanza is rich in irony. It's a very long way from the cradle of civilization to the imagined (and almost-realized) fall of a great power.

This poem contains many areas that generate further thought. It has been a most interesting read for me, living as I do in Canada where we suffered an economic downturn but escaped the worst of the fallout. But it's been a lesson well learned, at great cost to many people's lives.

Brenda

lavenderSwing wrote:Our history teacher pointed to an ancient map
where [the] civilization began long before the Great Wall was built;
the school supervisor sighed, “better to come from a poor family
that was liberated ! by the C ommunist Party.” ... better, of course, than what other alternatives? Interesting lead-in to the next few lines.
I asked why, but my parents kept an unbroken silence.
Less and less I quested for the answer,
as I got used to passing by still walls.

At the age of 18, I left home for the big cities
where reform (had) started to bloom.
Fashion, high-tech and [topics] (discussions?) about freedom
from the western world
squeezed through the doors which had lately opened,(.)
I became a fan of Modernism
and dreamt [for] (of) an ideal life in the changing world.

Sinking into the Melting Pot, ... here is where it becomes less clear that the N is still in China
I found myself trapped,
my tongue numb in a dead knot. ... This is powerful! It could be made even more so if you add a bit more detail to it before moving from personal response to the state of the country.
The smell of burning Greens spread. ... Greens as in dollars? (I ask this because here in Canada, we have a political party called Green, with a capital G). Greenbacks, maybe?
The American Dream was tangled. ... Can a dream be "tangled" or might there be some other description that better suits this image?

Legends of their ancestors
receded behind thick smog[s], ... really like this!
Flags of Bailout (flap?? blow??)) like hollow souls, ... I think this line does need a verb.
I questioned what to [behold] (believe?).

Upon the history teacher’(s) fading map,
I saw a black tie knotting tightly,
I could hear his voice choking: ... The black tie image seems more connected to a tie around his neck rather than the map. Not suite sure I can follow the connection here.
“The cradle of civilization was where we [were] (came) from.”
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

revised a little.... guess need more work.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

revised a little.... guess need more work.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[星子]

I wrote this for
http://wildamorris.blogspot.com/ Oct's challenge.

I didn't submit since I wanted to work on this more and submit somewhere else later.

Each month I try to challenge myself to write. This month is tough...

I need to have some clue....

http://wildamorris.blogspot.com/2010/11/november-2010-poetry-challenge.html
_________________

[[ANNA]]

I wrote this for
http://wildamorris.blogspot.com/ Oct's challenge.

I didn't submit since I wanted to work on this more and submit somewhere else later.

Each month I try to challenge myself to write. This month is tough...

I need to have some clue....

http://wildamorris.blogspot.com/2010/11/november-2010-poetry-challenge.html
_________________