酷我-北美枫

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

My love looked at me,
"Whiskey with cigars are good."

When I didn’t reply,
he measured my silence,
long and longer.

I wanted to tell him
I'd indulged in words—
sticky & spicy,
opened and closed
within myself.

He shook his head,
"You need more taste."

Inside, the moon burnt me
like an icy fire;
I turned to him
and found--
the salty fish of our lake.
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Changed the young man into my love.

My love looked at me,
“Whiskey and cigar are good.”

When I didn’t reply,
he measured my silence
long and longer.

I wanted to tell him
I had indulged in words—
opened and closed in myself.

He shot from his head,
“You need more taste.”

Inside, the moon burned me
like an icy fire;
I turned to him—

searching,
questioning
and answering.

A lake of stillness.
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

anna:

I really think it would be better if you took out the "searching...no need for others" verse.

Don
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

My reply:

Yes. Don, I just feel I want to say more.

I switch these lines and hope it better?

Anna
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hello, Anna,

Surprising start. The lover looks at the narrator and comments on the whiskey and cigar. Very effective!

My love looked at me,
“Whiskey and cigar are good.”

When I didn’t reply, The next line implies the N did not reply
he measured my silence (colon here)?
long and longer.

I love your closing stanza and I notice an underlying theme through other poems of yours, which I see as a good thing (you may put them together some day), a theme not quite of submission but of sticking with a bad situation, that lien that familiarity ties around the soul. Quiet rebellion.

Good work!
Poetema
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Tis more an anatomical dialogue this. But then I'm a screamer, I suppose *smirk*

Tis brilliant, clever, but just a little off in places.

My beau looked at me,
"Whiskey with cigars are good!"

When I didn’t reply,
he measured my silence...
long and longer.

I wanted to tell him
I'd indulged in words—
opened and closed within myself.

He shot from his head,
"You need more taste!'

Inside, the moon burned/t me
like an icy fire;
I turn to him in haste —

searching,
questioning,
then answering,

the stillness of a/his lak e.

Best
J
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

I am glad to get the feedback and suggestions.

I agree with J. It opens the dialogue to another level. I will revise it like that.

Thanks.

Anna
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi Poetema,

Thank you very much for the comments and reading.

I am glad to hear that.

When I didn't reply... I agree with you, but I added the line to slow down the pace. Hope it works.

Yes. Lately my poems seem all go to one direction.

I may put them all together one day. Thanks.

Anna
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

My love looked at me,
“Whiskey with cigars are good.”

When I didn’t reply,
he measured my silence,
long and longer.

I wanted to tell him
I'd indulged in words—
spicy and sticky,
opened and closed within myself.

He shot from his head,
“You need more taste.”

Inside, the moon burnt me
like an icy fire;
I turned to him --
dried fish of the lake.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

Hi Anna,

I think the best part of this is the subject of taste. If you stay with it instead of going toward images that might be a little easy to fall back on (the still lake) I think you'd raise the poem's message further.

My love looked at me,
“Whiskey with cigars are good.”

When I didn’t reply,
he measured my silence,
long and longer.

I wanted to tell him
I'd indulged in words— (here you have a chance to extend the metaphor. (I wanted to tell him I'd indulged in words -- sweet and salty... or clams and rock fish -- you get the idea)
opened and closed within myself.

He shot from his head,
“You need more taste.”

Inside, the moon burnt me
like an icy fire;
I turned to him with answer--
the stillness of our lake.

The last stanza doesn't feel like it relates to the earlier strophes. It shows the emotion of the narrator but doesn't delve into the question that was raised to begin with. We can see that the subject of the poem is arrogant and superficial. How can the narrator respond in the last strophe to direct us back to this counterpoint of taste and the subject's lack of refinement in emotional matters?

E
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

After reading E's comments. I thought about the taste...

That was another way to write a poem. I revised it by using the words to describe taste.

Anna
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

anna · Site Admin 注册时间: 2004-05-02 帖子: 7141

看来改糟了。。。

You changed much and omitted the wonderling's of the original ending which I much preferred. It seems far more obvious than suggestive now.

*weeps into his porridge* hahahaha

J.
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

星子 · 发表于: 星期日六月 20, 2010 9:20 am 发表主题:

Of course, "Whiskey with cigars IS good" is probably correct, since the verb connects to "whiskey" not to the prepositional object "cigars". Then again, you may have wanted to have the male in the poem seem a little unschooled.

This kind of unpleasant interaction, where the sub-text beneath the spoken words says far more than the words themselves, and where it almost seems like the two participants can slightly read each other's minds, is a common thing. You have rendered it less common with this poem.

* * * * *

If this were mine, I might use the image of brine, for it is really the increasing salinity that is contaminating the lake, not the fish themselves.

* * * * *

Fred
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星子 · 发表于: 星期日六月 20, 2010 11:58 am 发表主题:

My reply to Fred.

Hi Fred,

Yes. You are right. I know "Whiskey with cigars are good" has a problem. But I thought to let him be drunk. About the brine image, I like it. Yes. It is true, the same to relationship.
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星子 · 发表于: 星期日六月 20, 2010 11:59 am 发表主题:

Hi Anna,
less story, anti-story as Jim Kacain has written in a new essay, is what I like about the pithiness of this piece. If you expose, say more, it loses its emotional impact for me. I like it salty.
I like the sassy comments. I like it up in the air, which many relationships are nowadays. the piece rings true.

cheers, paul
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