酷我-北美枫

[anna]

All year long, we trap flames within.
Snow falls on bodies of denials.
Walls built between us,
words seeded from pomegranates
shatter on the ground.
Like strangers, we stream
into different directions,
drained as night shadows.
Yet, the moon hangs—
a face of indifference,
an imprinted old metaphor
lies beyond the emptiness.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

All year long, we trap flames within.
Snow falls on bodies of denials.
Walls built between us,
words seeded from pomegranates
shatter on the ground.
Like strangers, we stream
into different directions,
drained as night shadows.
Yet, the moon hangs—
a face of indifference,
an imprinted old metaphor
lies beyond the emptiness.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

here is Morris' link

http://wildamorris.blogspot.com/
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

here is Morris' link

http://wildamorris.blogspot.com/
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

Hi Anna

First do you really want to date the poem by tying it to 2009? I might suggest the poem has more universal appeal than being just a statement about 2009. How about making the title "The Last Page of the Year" or something similar?

The poem has nice, strong imagery. Nicely done.

Here--

Like strangers, we stream
into different directions,

I almost want to read the second line as "in two different directions," which is the way it sounds. How about refining it to read

Like strangers, we stream
in different directions,

Good luck in revising this promising poem, Anna.

All the best

Chris

_________________
--------------------

--------------------
Christopher T George
Baltimore, Maryland, USA
Editor, Loch Raven Review
http://www.lochravenreview.net
http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Anna

First do you really want to date the poem by tying it to 2009? I might suggest the poem has more universal appeal than being just a statement about 2009. How about making the title "The Last Page of the Year" or something similar?

The poem has nice, strong imagery. Nicely done.

Here--

Like strangers, we stream
into different directions,

I almost want to read the second line as "in two different directions," which is the way it sounds. How about refining it to read

Like strangers, we stream
in different directions,

Good luck in revising this promising poem, Anna.

All the best

Chris

_________________
--------------------

--------------------
Christopher T George
Baltimore, Maryland, USA
Editor, Loch Raven Review
http://www.lochravenreview.net
http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

All year long, we trap flames within. ......... whatever light is within us cannot escape; dreams aren't realized - well said, and all too true
Snow falls on bodies of denials. ........ I like the double meaning of "bodies", suggesting both the human form and a collection of words (lack of desire; lack of honesty)
Walls built between us,
words seeded from pomegranates ........ interesting how pomegranates have appeared in two poems I've read here today - they imply ripeness, creation, the fruit of a lost Eden
shatter on the ground.
Like strangers, we stream
into different directions,
drained as night shadows. .... suggest a break here (slight change of the poem's direction, from separation to the moon)

Yet, the moon hangs-
a face of indifference[,](.) ... suggest a full stop; nice use of "f" consonance to soften this line
(An)an imprinted old metaphor
lies beyond the emptiness.

Anna, this is wistful and lovely. The last two lines are filled with a sense of weariness. A new year doesn't really transform anything, does it? Only we can do this, within ourselves. But so often, we feel caught in the same old mistakes. The last page of one year looks much like that of an earlier book.

I've made a few notes - nothing major, though.

Brenda
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

All year long, we trap flames within. ......... whatever light is within us cannot escape; dreams aren't realized - well said, and all too true
Snow falls on bodies of denials. ........ I like the double meaning of "bodies", suggesting both the human form and a collection of words (lack of desire; lack of honesty)
Walls built between us,
words seeded from pomegranates ........ interesting how pomegranates have appeared in two poems I've read here today - they imply ripeness, creation, the fruit of a lost Eden
shatter on the ground.
Like strangers, we stream
into different directions,
drained as night shadows. .... suggest a break here (slight change of the poem's direction, from separation to the moon)

Yet, the moon hangs-
a face of indifference[,](.) ... suggest a full stop; nice use of "f" consonance to soften this line
(An)an imprinted old metaphor
lies beyond the emptiness.

Anna, this is wistful and lovely. The last two lines are filled with a sense of weariness. A new year doesn't really transform anything, does it? Only we can do this, within ourselves. But so often, we feel caught in the same old mistakes. The last page of one year looks much like that of an earlier book.

I've made a few notes - nothing major, though.

Brenda
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

revised:


All year long, we trap flames within.
Snow falls on bodies of denials.
Walls built between us,
words seeded from pomegranates
shatter on the ground.
Like strangers, we stream
in two different directions,
drained as night shadows.

Yet, the moon hangs-
a face of indifference.
An imprinted old metaphor
lies beyond the emptiness.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

revised:


All year long, we trap flames within.
Snow falls on bodies of denials.
Walls built between us,
words seeded from pomegranates
shatter on the ground.
Like strangers, we stream
in two different directions,
drained as night shadows.

Yet, the moon hangs-
a face of indifference.
An imprinted old metaphor
lies beyond the emptiness.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

Hi AA-


I like the contrast between trapped flames and falling snow.
My mind went from ocher to white while riding your meaning.

"All year long, we trap flames within.
Snow falls on bodies of denials."

I prefer your line as you had it:
"into different directions"
"into two different directions" is a bit too much?

"Yet, the moon hangs—
a face of indifference,
an imprinted old metaphor
lies beyond the emptiness."


Yet the moon, a face
of indifference, an imprinted
metaphor lies beyond emptiness.

Enjoyed.

Pecae,

_________________
Yoly
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=ho ... 1307768542
^
http://www.lopsidepress.com/gallery/
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi AA-


I like the contrast between trapped flames and falling snow.
My mind went from ocher to white while riding your meaning.

"All year long, we trap flames within.
Snow falls on bodies of denials."

I prefer your line as you had it:
"into different directions"
"into two different directions" is a bit too much?

"Yet, the moon hangs—
a face of indifference,
an imprinted old metaphor
lies beyond the emptiness."


Yet the moon, a face
of indifference, an imprinted
metaphor lies beyond emptiness.

Enjoyed.

Pecae,

_________________
Yoly
http://www.facebook.com/home.php?ref=ho ... 1307768542
^
http://www.lopsidepress.com/gallery/
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

AA---

cotton candy. nice, but becomes only sugar.

All year long, we trap flames within.

how is that? why not be a fire eater, then, or something vaguely real? otherwise, the image is a words only image with no reality to give a foundation, a force to the poem.

Snow falls on bodies of denials.

no it don't because there ain't no such bodies---

let the snow fall plenty---great! remember the wonderful book, snow falling on cedars?

real snow, real cedars.

snow falls on your cigar,
your topcoat,
the fur collar grows wet
and stiffens.


you see my drift---

now this next line is more marriage counseling than poetry:

Walls built between us,

gee, who could believe such a thing? one-half of the US marriages fail, guess walls get built all the time. this is not news, that's my point.

no statement, give me something that shows the wall---



words seeded from pomegranates
shatter on the ground.
Like strangers,

what's special about pomegranates except for their 567 seeds---not strangers at all, related in that there fruit, yes?

leave it to the bible:


Quote:
And [beneath] upon the hem of it thou shalt make pomegranates [of] blue, and [of] purple, and [of] scarlet, round about the hem thereof; and bells of gold between them round about. - Exodus 28:33


my point, the word "pomegranate" is unmotivated, any fruit could be used here. the fruit is used once and then never heard of again.

we stream
into two different directions,
drained as night shadows.

well, an image, at least.

are day shadows less drained? can you see shadows at night. just asking.

the moon can be your best friend, or worst enemey. the question, am i about to say something new after 1,000 poets this year talked about the lunar face?

hangs—
a face of indifference,

awfully bland, that word "indifference." this is the moon. make it special, or just routine. avoid the middle route.


next, would at least cancel the word "old"---

the image is not improved or saved by the addition of that word---

look at Patchen:


Quote:
Oh now the drenched land wakes;
Birds from their sleep call
Fitfully, and are still.
Clouds like milky wounds
Float across the moon.

Oh love, none may
Turn away long
From this white grove
Where all nouns grieve.




an imprinted old metaphor
lies beyond the emptiness.

and so my comments.


Quote:
"Let us go early to the vineyards to see ... if the pomegranates are in bloom - there I will give you my love." - Song of Solomon 7:12


It's snowing this afternoon and there are no flowers.
Donald Justice




mojave
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

AA---

cotton candy. nice, but becomes only sugar.

All year long, we trap flames within.

how is that? why not be a fire eater, then, or something vaguely real? otherwise, the image is a words only image with no reality to give a foundation, a force to the poem.

Snow falls on bodies of denials.

no it don't because there ain't no such bodies---

let the snow fall plenty---great! remember the wonderful book, snow falling on cedars?

real snow, real cedars.

snow falls on your cigar,
your topcoat,
the fur collar grows wet
and stiffens.


you see my drift---

now this next line is more marriage counseling than poetry:

Walls built between us,

gee, who could believe such a thing? one-half of the US marriages fail, guess walls get built all the time. this is not news, that's my point.

no statement, give me something that shows the wall---



words seeded from pomegranates
shatter on the ground.
Like strangers,

what's special about pomegranates except for their 567 seeds---not strangers at all, related in that there fruit, yes?

leave it to the bible:


Quote:
And [beneath] upon the hem of it thou shalt make pomegranates [of] blue, and [of] purple, and [of] scarlet, round about the hem thereof; and bells of gold between them round about. - Exodus 28:33


my point, the word "pomegranate" is unmotivated, any fruit could be used here. the fruit is used once and then never heard of again.

we stream
into two different directions,
drained as night shadows.

well, an image, at least.

are day shadows less drained? can you see shadows at night. just asking.

the moon can be your best friend, or worst enemey. the question, am i about to say something new after 1,000 poets this year talked about the lunar face?

hangs—
a face of indifference,

awfully bland, that word "indifference." this is the moon. make it special, or just routine. avoid the middle route.


next, would at least cancel the word "old"---

the image is not improved or saved by the addition of that word---

look at Patchen:


Quote:
Oh now the drenched land wakes;
Birds from their sleep call
Fitfully, and are still.
Clouds like milky wounds
Float across the moon.

Oh love, none may
Turn away long
From this white grove
Where all nouns grieve.




an imprinted old metaphor
lies beyond the emptiness.

and so my comments.


Quote:
"Let us go early to the vineyards to see ... if the pomegranates are in bloom - there I will give you my love." - Song of Solomon 7:12


It's snowing this afternoon and there are no flowers.
Donald Justice




mojave
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

[[星子安娜]]

[连南河]

ALL THE BEST FOR THE COMING YEAR！

HAPPY NEW YEAR & A PROSPEROUS AND PEACEFUL 2010.

[[FAFAFA]]

ALL THE BEST FOR THE COMING YEAR！

HAPPY NEW YEAR & A PROSPEROUS AND PEACEFUL 2010.