酷我-北美枫

[anna]

Shadow

You come, you vanish;
you are my shadow.
no harm, nor joy,
in your close solitude.

I sew a clothing of words,
fail to put on you.
Naked and muted,
by the brim of dark.

I take you to bathe
under where sunlight
shines straight.

Without a warning,
you shrink.
I have the urge to hold you.
More silence descends,
I, your empty shell.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Shadow

You come, you vanish;
you are my shadow.
no harm, nor joy,
in your close solitude.

I sew a clothing of words,
fail to put on you.
Naked and muted,
by the brim of dark.

I take you to bathe
under where sunlight
shines straight.

Without a warning,
you shrink.
I have the urge to hold you.
More silence descends,
I, your empty shell.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

AA---

There is a polite ambiguity here, is the shadow real or Memorex.

That is, is the shadow personified and addressed mournfully by the narrator, or is the shadow a real lover scrutinized throughout the poem.

I did not feel the poem gained by creating that uncertainty. but a close call.

A distraction, for me, from the core movement of the poem---a reportage of the emotional health of the narrator.

The narrator sews “a clothing of words", but the “shadow” escapes before accepting the gift.


The narrator wishes to bathe the shadow in sunlight, but again the elusive shadow shrinks.

I am not particularly engaged with these references. Easy to follow, in and of themselves, but no killer image emerges---nothing beyond the obvious.

And students of tin pan alley will recall the song---me and my shadow, introduced by Al Jolson, updated many years later by Frank Sinatra:


Quote:
(This is the duet with Sammy Davis, Jr.)

Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall
Like the seashore clings to the sea
Like you'll never get rid of your shadow
Frank, you'll never get rid of me

Let all the others fight and fuss
Whatever happens, we've got us.

Me and my shadow
We're closer than pages that stick in a book
We're closer than ripples that play in a brook
Strolling down the avenue
Wherever you find him, you'll find me, just look
Closer than a miser or the bloodhound's to Liza
Me and my shadow
We're closer than smog when it clings to L.A.
We're closer than Bobby is to J.F.K.
Not a soul can bust this team in two
We stick together like glue

And when it's sleeping time
That's when we rise
We start to swing
Swing to the skies
Our clocks don't chime
What a surprise
They ring-a-ding-ding!
Happy New Year!

Me and my shadow
And now to repeat what I said at the start
They'll need a large crowbar to break us apart
We're alone but far from blue

Before we get finished, we'll make the town roar
We'll make all the late spots, and then a few more
We'll wind up at Jilly's right after Toot's Shore
Life is gonna be we-wow-whee!
(Here comes the party!)
For my shadow and me!



Upbeat --- unlike the moody poem.



Think I would make clear you are talking about a lover, right up front:



You come, you vanish;
you are my shadow.
no harm, nor joy,
in your close solitude.


Becomes:


You come, you vanish;
you are my shadow lover,
no harm, nor joy,
in your close solitude.



Here’s a thought---

You come, you vanish;
you are my shadow lover,
rumpled suit and a pocket
full of cigarettes.



Providing the shadow a little individuality---nes pas?

Just a thought.



Slimmer and still,
invisible heavy
by the brim of dark.


This could be a good series of lines---in another poem. All good words, but only a filler here until we get to this concrete image:


I sew a clothing of words,
fail to put on you.
Naked and muted,
you, ready to fade out.

Maybe even:


I sew a clothing of words,
fail to put on you.
Naked and muted,
by the brim of dark.


Now, this sunbath---OK, but my preference is for ..

WE bathe in sunlight,
I have the urge to hold you.
More solitude descends,
I, the empty shell.


In your poem, the word “solitude” is used twice---one too often for my taste. You, of course, must decide.

The problem with all confessional poetry, is that it can easily slip into the “oh poor me” category.

I’m so lonely---so misunderstood, so wronged…etc….

That’s why I suggest at least considering some description---flesh and blood description, of the lover. And the narrator---in the bath…LOL.

The “empty shell” image holds promise---can it be developed with a killer image amplification? justg asking.

eliot says, i should have been a pair of claws scuttling across the floor.

Here are five random examples---

Timothy Steele:

1. The desert lifts a full moon from the east

2. The winter solstice fell in Capricorn

3. Ted Hughes: The window is starless still; the clock ticks,
The page is printed.


4. W. H. Auden: The piers are pummelled by the waves;

In a lonely field the rain
Lashes an abandoned train;
Outlaws fill the mountain caves.

Fantastic grow the evening gowns;

5. Randall Jarrell: If, in an odd angle of the hutment,

A puppy laps the water from a can

Of flowers


These images, can be inserted into any poem of feeling---odd, isn’t it?

A good poem and once again I say, honor your English as second language syntax, it distinguishes your narrator. No need to make this English school book grammar and syntax, Change nothing, but consider the quoted images as you compose a new poem.


mojave



Try these excellent Asian based journals---in English---

1. Cha---An Asian Literary Journal (Hong Kong based)
http://www.asiancha.com/

the editor was thoughtful enough to immediately comment on the five poems I e-mailed, but acceptance is still blowing in the wind. I tell you this just so you don’t think I’m making a stereotypical referral here.


2. Quarterly Literary Review Singapore (QLRS)
http://www.qlrs.com/issue.asp?id=30

QLRS has printed three or four of my poems.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

AA---

There is a polite ambiguity here, is the shadow real or Memorex.

That is, is the shadow personified and addressed mournfully by the narrator, or is the shadow a real lover scrutinized throughout the poem.

I did not feel the poem gained by creating that uncertainty. but a close call.

A distraction, for me, from the core movement of the poem---a reportage of the emotional health of the narrator.

The narrator sews “a clothing of words", but the “shadow” escapes before accepting the gift.


The narrator wishes to bathe the shadow in sunlight, but again the elusive shadow shrinks.

I am not particularly engaged with these references. Easy to follow, in and of themselves, but no killer image emerges---nothing beyond the obvious.

And students of tin pan alley will recall the song---me and my shadow, introduced by Al Jolson, updated many years later by Frank Sinatra:


Quote:
(This is the duet with Sammy Davis, Jr.)

Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall
Like the seashore clings to the sea
Like you'll never get rid of your shadow
Frank, you'll never get rid of me

Let all the others fight and fuss
Whatever happens, we've got us.

Me and my shadow
We're closer than pages that stick in a book
We're closer than ripples that play in a brook
Strolling down the avenue
Wherever you find him, you'll find me, just look
Closer than a miser or the bloodhound's to Liza
Me and my shadow
We're closer than smog when it clings to L.A.
We're closer than Bobby is to J.F.K.
Not a soul can bust this team in two
We stick together like glue

And when it's sleeping time
That's when we rise
We start to swing
Swing to the skies
Our clocks don't chime
What a surprise
They ring-a-ding-ding!
Happy New Year!

Me and my shadow
And now to repeat what I said at the start
They'll need a large crowbar to break us apart
We're alone but far from blue

Before we get finished, we'll make the town roar
We'll make all the late spots, and then a few more
We'll wind up at Jilly's right after Toot's Shore
Life is gonna be we-wow-whee!
(Here comes the party!)
For my shadow and me!



Upbeat --- unlike the moody poem.



Think I would make clear you are talking about a lover, right up front:



You come, you vanish;
you are my shadow.
no harm, nor joy,
in your close solitude.


Becomes:


You come, you vanish;
you are my shadow lover,
no harm, nor joy,
in your close solitude.



Here’s a thought---

You come, you vanish;
you are my shadow lover,
rumpled suit and a pocket
full of cigarettes.



Providing the shadow a little individuality---nes pas?

Just a thought.



Slimmer and still,
invisible heavy
by the brim of dark.


This could be a good series of lines---in another poem. All good words, but only a filler here until we get to this concrete image:


I sew a clothing of words,
fail to put on you.
Naked and muted,
you, ready to fade out.

Maybe even:


I sew a clothing of words,
fail to put on you.
Naked and muted,
by the brim of dark.


Now, this sunbath---OK, but my preference is for ..

WE bathe in sunlight,
I have the urge to hold you.
More solitude descends,
I, the empty shell.


In your poem, the word “solitude” is used twice---one too often for my taste. You, of course, must decide.

The problem with all confessional poetry, is that it can easily slip into the “oh poor me” category.

I’m so lonely---so misunderstood, so wronged…etc….

That’s why I suggest at least considering some description---flesh and blood description, of the lover. And the narrator---in the bath…LOL.

The “empty shell” image holds promise---can it be developed with a killer image amplification? justg asking.

eliot says, i should have been a pair of claws scuttling across the floor.

Here are five random examples---

Timothy Steele:

1. The desert lifts a full moon from the east

2. The winter solstice fell in Capricorn

3. Ted Hughes: The window is starless still; the clock ticks,
The page is printed.


4. W. H. Auden: The piers are pummelled by the waves;

In a lonely field the rain
Lashes an abandoned train;
Outlaws fill the mountain caves.

Fantastic grow the evening gowns;

5. Randall Jarrell: If, in an odd angle of the hutment,

A puppy laps the water from a can

Of flowers


These images, can be inserted into any poem of feeling---odd, isn’t it?

A good poem and once again I say, honor your English as second language syntax, it distinguishes your narrator. No need to make this English school book grammar and syntax, Change nothing, but consider the quoted images as you compose a new poem.


mojave



Try these excellent Asian based journals---in English---

1. Cha---An Asian Literary Journal (Hong Kong based)
http://www.asiancha.com/

the editor was thoughtful enough to immediately comment on the five poems I e-mailed, but acceptance is still blowing in the wind. I tell you this just so you don’t think I’m making a stereotypical referral here.


2. Quarterly Literary Review Singapore (QLRS)
http://www.qlrs.com/issue.asp?id=30

QLRS has printed three or four of my poems.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

Yesterday I got Cha's acception for my poem "Raspberries".

It will be online on Nov. 2009

Its orignial title is blackberries and submit to Fiddleheader in Canada early this year.
I got the rejection, but they did say it was a very interesting poem.

Then I discussed it with other poets, we agreed the color of blackberries was not like fire, it is black, so it didn't match the poem. so I revised it to Raspberries and also tighten it a little bit.

I am glad now it fits well.

I will post it after the publishing.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Yesterday I got Cha's acception for my poem "Raspberries".

It will be online on Nov. 2009

Its orignial title is blackberries and submit to Fiddleheader in Canada early this year.
I got the rejection, but they did say it was a very interesting poem.

Then I discussed it with other poets, we agreed the color of blackberries was not like fire, it is black, so it didn't match the poem. so I revised it to Raspberries and also tighten it a little bit.

I am glad now it fits well.

I will post it after the publishing.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com