酷我-北美枫

[anna]

Love
We talked it all over, last night.
Like a burning yam, too hot,
we fear to taste the soft sweetness.

Sleeping alone,
I woke up at midnight –
pondered on what was dropped
in our earlier conversation.

Another room –
you slept soundly.
You had no idea of what was hanging in the air.
Outside, rain tapped on the slanted eaves.

Like the pale, pre dawn, tide
I crept to your side.
You embraced me into your warm shore.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Love
We talked it all over, last night.
Like a burning yam, too hot,
we fear to taste the soft sweetness.

Sleeping alone,
I woke up at midnight –
pondered on what was dropped
in our earlier conversation.

Another room –
you slept soundly.
You had no idea of what was hanging in the air.
Outside, rain tapped on the slanted eaves.

Like the pale, pre dawn, tide
I crept to your side.
You embraced me into your warm shore.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

Comments... (Always great help...)

Hello Anna

Reads well but I think still needs some additional work to tighten up and improve. In a number of places such as the last stanza you have too many commas. You need to be more direct.

Do you really need to say "all" -- "talked it all over" -- wouldn't "talked it over" be sufficient?

Do you need the "on" in "pondered on what was dropped" -- I don't think so.

Similarly delete "of" in "You had no idea of what was hanging in the air."

Maybe use "to" rather thank "into" in the last line.

Also think you can rethink some of the line breaks. See below.

Good luck with this promising poem, Anna.

Chris

Love

We talked it over last night.
Like a burning yam, too hot,
we feared to taste
the soft sweetness.

Sleeping alone
I awoke at midnight –
pondered what we dropped
in our conversation.

In another room,
you slept soundly.
You had no idea
what was hanging in the air.
Outside, rain tapped
on the slanted eaves. [Nice, evocative lines here, Anna! Might delete "on"]

Like the pale predawn tide
I crept to your side.
You embraced me
to your warm shore.

_________________
--------------------

--------------------
Christopher T George
Baltimore, Maryland, USA
Editor, Loch Raven Review
http://www.lochravenreview.net/
http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/index.htm
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Comments... (Always great help...)

Hello Anna

Reads well but I think still needs some additional work to tighten up and improve. In a number of places such as the last stanza you have too many commas. You need to be more direct.

Do you really need to say "all" -- "talked it all over" -- wouldn't "talked it over" be sufficient?

Do you need the "on" in "pondered on what was dropped" -- I don't think so.

Similarly delete "of" in "You had no idea of what was hanging in the air."

Maybe use "to" rather thank "into" in the last line.

Also think you can rethink some of the line breaks. See below.

Good luck with this promising poem, Anna.

Chris

Love

We talked it over last night.
Like a burning yam, too hot,
we feared to taste
the soft sweetness.

Sleeping alone
I awoke at midnight –
pondered what we dropped
in our conversation.

In another room,
you slept soundly.
You had no idea
what was hanging in the air.
Outside, rain tapped
on the slanted eaves. [Nice, evocative lines here, Anna! Might delete "on"]

Like the pale predawn tide
I crept to your side.
You embraced me
to your warm shore.

_________________
--------------------

--------------------
Christopher T George
Baltimore, Maryland, USA
Editor, Loch Raven Review
http://www.lochravenreview.net/
http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/index.htm
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com