酷我-北美枫

[anna]

Late Night

In the bath room, you gaze at your pink bra,
its button loose. Your fingers hesitate.

Outside, two loons are splashing beneath a full moon.
Shadows of a pomegranate tree dangle.

Reeds stand tall to cover whispers from somewhere inside.
A canoe sways back and forward along the bank.

Upon the open water, moonlight plows silver petals.
Breezes swing your curtain as if no one is behind.

You wonder whether it will rain. Yet sudden
lightning scares you, as if you missed a warning
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Late Night

In the bath room, you gaze at your pink bra,
its button loose. Your fingers hesitate.

Outside, two loons are splashing beneath a full moon.
Shadows of a pomegranate tree dangle.

Reeds stand tall to cover whispers from somewhere inside.
A canoe sways back and forward along the bank.

Upon the open water, moonlight plows silver petals.
Breezes swing your curtain as if no one is behind.

You wonder whether it will rain. Yet sudden
lightning scares you, as if you missed a warning
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

revised it after this comment from Ray.

I want to let you know that I did not read the original version or any of the other comments. So this is a fresh look at the present posting.

I am not sure what the first stanza adds to the rest of the poem. I think the rest of the poem is nice. However, I did not realize that at first reading, since I spent most of the first reading figuring out what was going to happen with the bra and the lady. When I got to the end I wondered why it was relevant.

Now if you move stanza 1 and strategically place it after the stanza:

“Upon the open water, moonlight plows silver petals.
Breezes swing your curtain as if no one is behind.”

It will create unanticipated fascination for the reader since it is close enough to the end of the poem that it keeps the reader wondering what will happen and many poems leave the continuation of the story to the reader 's imagination.

Just one person’s reaction.

Ray.



I revised it like:

Two loons are splashing beneath a full moon;
shadows of a pomegranate tree dangle.

Reeds stand tall to cover whispers from somewhere inside.
A canoe sways back and forward along the bank.

Upon the open water, moonlight plows silver petals.
Breezes swing your curtain as if no one is behind.

In the bath room, you gaze at your pink bra,
its button loose. Your fingers hesitate.

You wonder whether it will rain. Yet sudden
lightning scares you, as if you missed a warning.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

revised it after this comment from Ray.

I want to let you know that I did not read the original version or any of the other comments. So this is a fresh look at the present posting.

I am not sure what the first stanza adds to the rest of the poem. I think the rest of the poem is nice. However, I did not realize that at first reading, since I spent most of the first reading figuring out what was going to happen with the bra and the lady. When I got to the end I wondered why it was relevant.

Now if you move stanza 1 and strategically place it after the stanza:

“Upon the open water, moonlight plows silver petals.
Breezes swing your curtain as if no one is behind.”

It will create unanticipated fascination for the reader since it is close enough to the end of the poem that it keeps the reader wondering what will happen and many poems leave the continuation of the story to the reader 's imagination.

Just one person’s reaction.

Ray.



I revised it like:

Two loons are splashing beneath a full moon;
shadows of a pomegranate tree dangle.

Reeds stand tall to cover whispers from somewhere inside.
A canoe sways back and forward along the bank.

Upon the open water, moonlight plows silver petals.
Breezes swing your curtain as if no one is behind.

In the bath room, you gaze at your pink bra,
its button loose. Your fingers hesitate.

You wonder whether it will rain. Yet sudden
lightning scares you, as if you missed a warning.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com