酷我-北美枫

[川生]

古寺 北岛

消失的钟声
结成蛛网，在裂缝的柱子里
扩散成一圈圈年轮
没有记忆，石头
空蒙的山谷里传播回声的
石头，没有记忆
当小路绕开这里的时候
龙和怪鸟也飞走了
从房檐上带走喑哑的铃铛
荒草一年一度
生长，那么漠然
不在乎它们屈从的主人
是僧侣的布鞋，还是风
石碑残缺，上面的文字已经磨损
仿佛只有在一场大火之中
才能辨认，也许
会随着一道生者的目光
乌龟在泥土中复活
驮着沉重的秘密，爬出门槛


An Ancient Temple


The disappeared songs of a bell
woven into cobwebs in the columns' crevices
have grown outward into numerous tree rings.
No memories left. The stones
that scatter the echoes in this mountain valley,
have no memories.
That little path by-passed the temple;
its dragons and strange birds also flew away
and took with them the silent bell from the eave.
Wild weeds grow year by year,
indifferent and careless if they submit to any master,
to the clothe shoes of monks, or to the wind.
The stone tablets are wrecked; the carved writings are all worn out.
Maybe if they caught on fire
one could read the words on them.
Perhaps, led by the gaze of the living,
the tortoise may revive from the muddy ground
carry the heavy load of secrets
and crawl across the temple’s threshold.


Lake's Translation:

The diminished tolling
has spun a cobweb, and rippled into rings of age
in the cracks of the columns.
No memories. The stones
that echo in the empty valleys
have no memories.
When the little path ran away from here
dragons and queer birds also flew away,
taking with them the silent bells from the eaves.
Year after year, wild weeds grow,
indifferent to the masters they submit to -
the monks’ cloth shoes, or the wind.
Broken stone tablets. Words engraved are worn out,
as if only legible by the light of a big fire.
Perhaps, led by the gaze of the living
the tortoise will resurrect from beneath the earth
and, burdened by many secrets,
crawl over the threshold.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions.

[[川生]]

古寺 北岛

消失的钟声
结成蛛网，在裂缝的柱子里
扩散成一圈圈年轮
没有记忆，石头
空蒙的山谷里传播回声的
石头，没有记忆
当小路绕开这里的时候
龙和怪鸟也飞走了
从房檐上带走喑哑的铃铛
荒草一年一度
生长，那么漠然
不在乎它们屈从的主人
是僧侣的布鞋，还是风
石碑残缺，上面的文字已经磨损
仿佛只有在一场大火之中
才能辨认，也许
会随着一道生者的目光
乌龟在泥土中复活
驮着沉重的秘密，爬出门槛


An Ancient Temple


The disappeared songs of a bell
woven into cobwebs in the columns' crevices
have grown outward into numerous tree rings.
No memories left. The stones
that scatter the echoes in this mountain valley,
have no memories.
That little path by-passed the temple;
its dragons and strange birds also flew away
and took with them the silent bell from the eave.
Wild weeds grow year by year,
indifferent and careless if they submit to any master,
to the clothe shoes of monks, or to the wind.
The stone tablets are wrecked; the carved writings are all worn out.
Maybe if they caught on fire
one could read the words on them.
Perhaps, led by the gaze of the living,
the tortoise may revive from the muddy ground
carry the heavy load of secrets
and crawl across the temple’s threshold.


Lake's Translation:

The diminished tolling
has spun a cobweb, and rippled into rings of age
in the cracks of the columns.
No memories. The stones
that echo in the empty valleys
have no memories.
When the little path ran away from here
dragons and queer birds also flew away,
taking with them the silent bells from the eaves.
Year after year, wild weeds grow,
indifferent to the masters they submit to -
the monks’ cloth shoes, or the wind.
Broken stone tablets. Words engraved are worn out,
as if only legible by the light of a big fire.
Perhaps, led by the gaze of the living
the tortoise will resurrect from beneath the earth
and, burdened by many secrets,
crawl over the threshold.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions.

[浴恩福]

[[浴恩福]]

[ericcoliu]

[[ericcoliu]]

[Lake]

Welcome on board, 川生!

After the first read, I thought the poem is pretty good and the translation is nice though it needs some paring down.

Then as 浴恩福 and Eric mentioned the poem itself is the one from somebody else, I would suggest, and for all the translation works ( if the original work is not your own), that the poster mention it on the title line to avoid confusion. Something like:

古寺 An Ancient Temple - written by 北岛

Assuming the translation is done by the poster.
If not, the translator's name should be mentioned on the title line, too.

Does it make sense?

And also it is encouraged that the members, when posting your poems, review others' poems. Is this how a forum should function?

Thank you for posting your translation here.

[[Lake]]

Welcome on board, 川生!

After the first read, I thought the poem is pretty good and the translation is nice though it needs some paring down.

Then as 浴恩福 and Eric mentioned the poem itself is the one from somebody else, I would suggest, and for all the translation works ( if the original work is not your own), that the poster mention it on the title line to avoid confusion. Something like:

古寺 An Ancient Temple - written by 北岛

Assuming the translation is done by the poster.
If not, the translator's name should be mentioned on the title line, too.

Does it make sense?

And also it is encouraged that the members, when posting your poems, review others' poems. Is this how a forum should function?

Thank you for posting your translation here.

[dundas]

[[dundas]]

[川生]

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions. I'll think them over and revise my translation later.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions.

[[川生]]

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions. I'll think them over and revise my translation later.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions.

[川生]

[[川生]]

[星子]

Welcome.

The poem is somber like stones.

I like the images here. I think to translate this is difficult but here you did a good job.
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Welcome.

The poem is somber like stones.

I like the images here. I think to translate this is difficult but here you did a good job.
_________________

[Lake]

No much to offer. I see the grammar is good on one hand, but on the other hand, the complete sentences may loose some poetics. You may want to step back away from the Chinese version and pare down the English version by loosing some conjunctions and things like that.

I find this line is a bit clunky

indifferent and careless to the fact
that its subjugating masters are old monks’ cloth shoes or the wind.

Crawling right out across the temple’s threshold.

or simply, "Crawling over the temple's threshold"?

Just a thought. Definitely you spent a lot of time on it, while I didn't .

[[Lake]]

No much to offer. I see the grammar is good on one hand, but on the other hand, the complete sentences may loose some poetics. You may want to step back away from the Chinese version and pare down the English version by loosing some conjunctions and things like that.

I find this line is a bit clunky

indifferent and careless to the fact
that its subjugating masters are old monks’ cloth shoes or the wind.

Crawling right out across the temple’s threshold.

or simply, "Crawling over the temple's threshold"?

Just a thought. Definitely you spent a lot of time on it, while I didn't .

[ericcoliu]

[[ericcoliu]]

[Lake]

Advice? Nah, I don't have any, but mere babbles. So don't take my words seriously.

To end on a positive note, other than the line I mentioned and a few minors, the translation is quite readable.

Cheers.

[[Lake]]

Advice? Nah, I don't have any, but mere babbles. So don't take my words seriously.

To end on a positive note, other than the line I mentioned and a few minors, the translation is quite readable.

Cheers.

[川生]

[[川生]]

[川生]

Thank you for your valuable advices, upon which my revision is based.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions.

[[川生]]

Thank you for your valuable advices, upon which my revision is based.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions.

[Champagne]

[[Champagne]]

[川生]

[[川生]]