酷我-北美枫

[星子]

[[ANNA]]

[anna]

this is exercise of poetry workshop which asks to write a poem as a letter to address to your loss, the loss could be any person or any feeling.

Anna
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Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

this is exercise of poetry workshop which asks to write a poem as a letter to address to your loss, the loss could be any person or any feeling.

Anna
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[星子]

Thanks M's suggestions and comments.

I revised it again to make it Bloody.
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[[ANNA]]

Thanks M's suggestions and comments.

I revised it again to make it Bloody.
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[trueiron]

have a look
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以满腔的热情去融熔每个焊点。
http://trueiron.spaces.live.com/default.aspx

[[烙铁子]]

have a look
_________________
以满腔的热情去融熔每个焊点。
http://trueiron.spaces.live.com/default.aspx

[星子]

Comments from Cuttings referring to my two versions.

I gotta tell you that I fell in love with the original, & would not have changed a word of it. I feel more passion
present in the original, & the close was just perfect, a work of a fine mind.. the original painted a more complete picture & felt much more vibrant. very often, hot off the press is best & does not require a revision or an edit. the original has a raw power to it, more visceral & more intense, more immediate & awash in the passion that comes with the creation of the poem as it flows thru your fingers as they try to keep up with the thots
swirling in your mind just begging for release. the revision, (for me), has lost a great deal of the power & passion that makes the original such a fine read & slaps your mind out of park into your (the poet) vision of a reality that took a left turn on a rite handed street. your word choices are simply wonderful, there is such a clarity of emotion in the original, it seeps directly into the soul of the reader. your revision, altho a finely tuned piece of writing seems almost bland in comparison. sometimes it is best to leave things alone, despite suggestions from your peers. go with your gut, in otherwords, go with the words that flowed thru you as you wrote this the 1st time. to be honest, I most likely would not have commented on your revision, so Im very happy that you included the original along with it.

I just fucking loved the original. I hope you understand what Im trying to say which is basically just leave well enough alone, & all that takes is confidence in yourself & your abilities as a poet to recognize the (well) when you write it & read the final product & stand
by your words despite any suggestions from others. I personally, have often found that many critiques made by fellow poets are driven by a subconscious desire to mold the poem more into their own style of writing, & in doing so, the poem leaves your hands & is shaped by the comments of others. your original is hot & on a roll, your revision is an evenly paced poetic niceity that has lost its passion as you slowly revised
it in order to enhance its readability. in doing so, you have shrugged off much of the sense of the immediate & the original passion that consumed you as you 1st wrote it.. the original is a memorable write, the revision , altho a fine piece of writing, lacks the power required to make someone sit up in their seat & pay much more closer attention to what they are reading.

enuff said. I love your original poem, but your revision does not touch my soul, it has academia smothering the wonderful power of your voice as you 1st wrote it. go with your gut & you wont go wrong.

peter
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[[ANNA]]

Comments from Cuttings referring to my two versions.

I gotta tell you that I fell in love with the original, & would not have changed a word of it. I feel more passion
present in the original, & the close was just perfect, a work of a fine mind.. the original painted a more complete picture & felt much more vibrant. very often, hot off the press is best & does not require a revision or an edit. the original has a raw power to it, more visceral & more intense, more immediate & awash in the passion that comes with the creation of the poem as it flows thru your fingers as they try to keep up with the thots
swirling in your mind just begging for release. the revision, (for me), has lost a great deal of the power & passion that makes the original such a fine read & slaps your mind out of park into your (the poet) vision of a reality that took a left turn on a rite handed street. your word choices are simply wonderful, there is such a clarity of emotion in the original, it seeps directly into the soul of the reader. your revision, altho a finely tuned piece of writing seems almost bland in comparison. sometimes it is best to leave things alone, despite suggestions from your peers. go with your gut, in otherwords, go with the words that flowed thru you as you wrote this the 1st time. to be honest, I most likely would not have commented on your revision, so Im very happy that you included the original along with it.

I just fucking loved the original. I hope you understand what Im trying to say which is basically just leave well enough alone, & all that takes is confidence in yourself & your abilities as a poet to recognize the (well) when you write it & read the final product & stand
by your words despite any suggestions from others. I personally, have often found that many critiques made by fellow poets are driven by a subconscious desire to mold the poem more into their own style of writing, & in doing so, the poem leaves your hands & is shaped by the comments of others. your original is hot & on a roll, your revision is an evenly paced poetic niceity that has lost its passion as you slowly revised
it in order to enhance its readability. in doing so, you have shrugged off much of the sense of the immediate & the original passion that consumed you as you 1st wrote it.. the original is a memorable write, the revision , altho a fine piece of writing, lacks the power required to make someone sit up in their seat & pay much more closer attention to what they are reading.

enuff said. I love your original poem, but your revision does not touch my soul, it has academia smothering the wonderful power of your voice as you 1st wrote it. go with your gut & you wont go wrong.

peter
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