Coviews 酷我-北美枫

酷我-北美枫主页||酷我博客

 
 常见问题与解答 (FAQ)常见问题与解答 (FAQ)   搜索搜索   成员列表成员列表   成员组成员组   注册注册 
 个人资料个人资料   登陆查看您的私人留言登陆查看您的私人留言   登陆登陆 
Blogs(博客)Blogs(博客)   
Coviews BBS

The Smell of Mothballs

 
发表新帖   回复帖子    酷我-北美枫 首页 -> English Garden
阅读上一个主题 :: 阅读下一个主题  
作者 留言
clair[clair]
clair作品集

七品按察司
(我开始管这里的事儿了)
七品按察司<BR>(我开始管这里的事儿了)


注册时间: 2008-03-13
帖子: 83

帖子发表于: 星期一 五月 26, 2008 12:36 pm    发表主题: The Smell of Mothballs 引用并回复

The Smell of Mothballs (Sudden Fiction)

Such cool and breezy weather is kind of unusual in May. The sight of your approaching warms me. You say nothing, hold my hand tightly, and we walk off together.

Your overcoat gives off the faint scentl of mothballs. As I lean close to your shoulder, I think that a man’s body cannot smell any better with this clean, neutral smell. The wind is blowing now. You dutifully pull me closer to your chest and continue tol say nothing all the way home. The smell of mothballs becomes stronger. It is the smell of home. Yet, I know fully: It is your home.
_________________
This dark
Ceiling without a star


最后进行编辑的是 clair on 星期一 六月 09, 2008 12:57 pm, 总计第 3 次编辑
返回页首
阅览成员资料 (Profile) 发送私人留言 (PM)
Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集

四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期一 五月 26, 2008 8:23 pm    发表主题: Re: The Smell of Camphor Balls 引用并回复

clair 写到:


The Smell of Camphor Balls (Sudden Fiction)

You say nothing, holding my hand tightly, and we walk off together.

The smell of camphor balls becomes stronger, a homey smell. Yet, I know fully: It is your home.


holding or hold?

The ending is kind of surprising.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
返回页首
阅览成员资料 (Profile) 发送私人留言 (PM)
fanfan[FAFAFA]
fanfan作品集

四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期二 五月 27, 2008 8:09 am    发表主题: Re: The Smell of Camphor Balls 引用并回复

[quote="clair"]

Your overcoat gives off the feeble smell of camphor balls, which is carried in the air by the wind. [quote]

I think that you can drop the line marked above, making your piece more succinct.

I like the ending. "Yet" is a key word.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.
返回页首
阅览成员资料 (Profile) 发送私人留言 (PM)
ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期二 五月 27, 2008 8:16 pm    发表主题: Re: The Smell of Camphor Balls 引用并回复

clair 写到:


The smell of camphor balls becomes stronger, a homey smell. Yet, I know fully: It is your home.


A homey smell is a mind-settling smell, the smell of routine and stability.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
返回页首
阅览成员资料 (Profile) 发送私人留言 (PM)
dundas[dundas]
dundas作品集

五品知州
(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
五品知州<BR>(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)


注册时间: 2008-02-23
帖子: 214

帖子发表于: 星期三 五月 28, 2008 1:02 pm    发表主题: Re: The Smell of Camphor Balls 引用并回复

clair 写到:


You pull me closer to your chest and still say nothing on the way home. The smell of camphor balls becomes stronger, a homey smell. Yet, I know fully: It is your home.


A reverse rendering of The Story of Singing Siren?
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well
返回页首
阅览成员资料 (Profile) 发送私人留言 (PM)
clair[clair]
clair作品集

七品按察司
(我开始管这里的事儿了)
七品按察司<BR>(我开始管这里的事儿了)


注册时间: 2008-03-13
帖子: 83

帖子发表于: 星期四 五月 29, 2008 3:06 pm    发表主题: Re: The Smell of Camphor Balls 引用并回复

Thank you all for your helpful suggestions.

dundas 写到:


A reverse rendering of The Story of Singing Siren?


Interesting interpretation.
_________________
This dark
Ceiling without a star
返回页首
阅览成员资料 (Profile) 发送私人留言 (PM)
浴恩福[浴恩福]
浴恩福作品集

六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-05-08
帖子: 123
来自: 多倫多

帖子发表于: 星期四 五月 29, 2008 3:17 pm    发表主题: Re: The Smell of Mothballs 引用并回复

clair 写到:


The smell of camphor balls becomes stronger and more homelike. Yet, I know fully: It is your home.


I think you need something to connect the first and second sentences.

My suggestion is as follows:

It is the smell of home.
_________________
報三恩、耕三大福田
返回页首
阅览成员资料 (Profile) 发送私人留言 (PM)
fanfan[FFFFFF]
fanfan作品集

四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-12-27
帖子: 353
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期四 五月 29, 2008 8:09 pm    发表主题: Re: The Smell of Mothballs 引用并回复

clair 写到:
The Smell of Mothballs (Sudden Fiction)

The sight of you approaching warms me.

I think that a man’s body cannot smell any better than this clean, neutral smell.

The smell of camphor balls becomes stronger and more homelike.



My suggestions are as follows:

1 your approaching

2 with this clean

3 mothballs

I like your story.
_________________
Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon.
返回页首
阅览成员资料 (Profile) 发送私人留言 (PM)
clair[clair]
clair作品集

七品按察司
(我开始管这里的事儿了)
七品按察司<BR>(我开始管这里的事儿了)


注册时间: 2008-03-13
帖子: 83

帖子发表于: 星期一 六月 09, 2008 12:58 pm    发表主题: Re: The Smell of Mothballs 引用并回复

浴恩福 写到:


My suggestion is as follows:

It is the smell of home.


fanfan 写到:


My suggestions are as follows:

1 your approaching

2 with this clean

3 mothballs

I like your story.



Thank both of you for your good suggestions. I've revised my piece.
_________________
This dark
Ceiling without a star
返回页首
阅览成员资料 (Profile) 发送私人留言 (PM)
从以前的帖子开始显示:   
发表新帖   回复帖子       酷我-北美枫 首页 -> English Garden 论坛时间为 EST (美国/加拿大)
1页/共1

 
转跳到:  
不能发布新主题
不能在这个论坛回复主题
不能在这个论坛编辑自己的帖子
不能在这个论坛删除自己的帖子
不能在这个论坛发表投票


本论坛欢迎广大文学爱好者不拘一格地发表创作和评论.凡在网站发表的作品,即视为向《北美枫》丛书, 《诗歌榜》和《酷我电子杂志》投稿(暂无稿费, 请谅)。如果您的作品不想编入《北美枫》或《诗歌榜》或《酷我电子杂志》,请在发帖时注明。
作品版权归原作者.文责自负.作品的观点与<酷我-北美枫>网站无关.请勿用于商业,宗教和政治宣传.论坛上严禁人身攻击.管理员有权删除作品.


Powered by phpBB 2.0.8 © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group
phpBB 简体中文界面由 iCy-fLaME 更新翻译