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clair[clair] clair作品集 七品按察司 (我开始管这里的事儿了)
注册时间: 2008-03-13 帖子: 83
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发表于: 星期一 五月 26, 2008 12:36 pm 发表主题: The Smell of Mothballs |
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The Smell of Mothballs (Sudden Fiction)
Such cool and breezy weather is kind of unusual in May. The sight of your approaching warms me. You say nothing, hold my hand tightly, and we walk off together.
Your overcoat gives off the faint scentl of mothballs. As I lean close to your shoulder, I think that a man’s body cannot smell any better with this clean, neutral smell. The wind is blowing now. You dutifully pull me closer to your chest and continue tol say nothing all the way home. The smell of mothballs becomes stronger. It is the smell of home. Yet, I know fully: It is your home. _________________ This dark
Ceiling without a star
最后进行编辑的是 clair on 星期一 六月 09, 2008 12:57 pm, 总计第 3 次编辑 |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期一 五月 26, 2008 8:23 pm 发表主题: Re: The Smell of Camphor Balls |
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clair 写到: |
The Smell of Camphor Balls (Sudden Fiction)
You say nothing, holding my hand tightly, and we walk off together.
The smell of camphor balls becomes stronger, a homey smell. Yet, I know fully: It is your home. |
holding or hold?
The ending is kind of surprising. _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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fanfan[FAFAFA] fanfan作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-12-27 帖子: 353 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期二 五月 27, 2008 8:09 am 发表主题: Re: The Smell of Camphor Balls |
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[quote="clair"]
Your overcoat gives off the feeble smell of camphor balls, which is carried in the air by the wind. [quote]
I think that you can drop the line marked above, making your piece more succinct.
I like the ending. "Yet" is a key word. _________________ Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期二 五月 27, 2008 8:16 pm 发表主题: Re: The Smell of Camphor Balls |
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clair 写到: |
The smell of camphor balls becomes stronger, a homey smell. Yet, I know fully: It is your home. |
A homey smell is a mind-settling smell, the smell of routine and stability. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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dundas[dundas] dundas作品集 五品知州 (再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
注册时间: 2008-02-23 帖子: 214
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发表于: 星期三 五月 28, 2008 1:02 pm 发表主题: Re: The Smell of Camphor Balls |
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clair 写到: |
You pull me closer to your chest and still say nothing on the way home. The smell of camphor balls becomes stronger, a homey smell. Yet, I know fully: It is your home. |
A reverse rendering of The Story of Singing Siren? _________________ My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
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clair[clair] clair作品集 七品按察司 (我开始管这里的事儿了)
注册时间: 2008-03-13 帖子: 83
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发表于: 星期四 五月 29, 2008 3:06 pm 发表主题: Re: The Smell of Camphor Balls |
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Thank you all for your helpful suggestions.
dundas 写到: |
A reverse rendering of The Story of Singing Siren? |
Interesting interpretation. _________________ This dark
Ceiling without a star |
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浴恩福[浴恩福] 浴恩福作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-05-08 帖子: 123 来自: 多倫多
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发表于: 星期四 五月 29, 2008 3:17 pm 发表主题: Re: The Smell of Mothballs |
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clair 写到: |
The smell of camphor balls becomes stronger and more homelike. Yet, I know fully: It is your home. |
I think you need something to connect the first and second sentences.
My suggestion is as follows:
It is the smell of home. _________________ 報三恩、耕三大福田 |
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fanfan[FFFFFF] fanfan作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-12-27 帖子: 353 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期四 五月 29, 2008 8:09 pm 发表主题: Re: The Smell of Mothballs |
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clair 写到: | The Smell of Mothballs (Sudden Fiction)
The sight of you approaching warms me.
I think that a man’s body cannot smell any better than this clean, neutral smell.
The smell of camphor balls becomes stronger and more homelike.
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My suggestions are as follows:
1 your approaching
2 with this clean
3 mothballs
I like your story. _________________ Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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clair[clair] clair作品集 七品按察司 (我开始管这里的事儿了)
注册时间: 2008-03-13 帖子: 83
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发表于: 星期一 六月 09, 2008 12:58 pm 发表主题: Re: The Smell of Mothballs |
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浴恩福 写到: |
My suggestion is as follows:
It is the smell of home. |
fanfan 写到: |
My suggestions are as follows:
1 your approaching
2 with this clean
3 mothballs
I like your story. |
Thank both of you for your good suggestions. I've revised my piece. _________________ This dark
Ceiling without a star |
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