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That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi)

 
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christine[christine]
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注册时间: 2008-02-25
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帖子发表于: 星期日 五月 25, 2008 12:54 pm    发表主题: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) 引用并回复



最后进行编辑的是 christine on 星期六 五月 31, 2008 10:05 am, 总计第 2 次编辑
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fanfan[FFFFFF]
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四品府丞
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注册时间: 2007-12-27
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来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期日 五月 25, 2008 3:37 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

I like your haikus which are replete with emotionally evocative, contrasting images.

By the way, I think "A sleepless night" would be better than "A long night."
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Champagne[Champagne]
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注册时间: 2007-09-15
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来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期日 五月 25, 2008 4:50 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

A spark of hope amid the debris of despair.
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I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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注册时间: 2007-05-29
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来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期日 五月 25, 2008 9:28 pm    发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Haiku) 引用并回复

christine 写到:


That Day, May 12th



My reply is as follows:

That day was the cruelest day.
They had laughed loudly;
Moments later,
They cried, voiceless!
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul


最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期六 五月 31, 2008 8:28 am, 总计第 3 次编辑
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浴恩福[浴恩福]
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注册时间: 2008-05-08
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来自: 多倫多

帖子发表于: 星期一 五月 26, 2008 12:24 pm    发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Haiku) 引用并回复

christine 写到:


That Day, May 12th

I
A sunny morning --


II
A shaken afternoon --

III
A long night --


I like the way you structure your poem in the chronological order, yet revealing a sense of a-chronology through the choice of the phrase "a long night."
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Champagne[Champagne]
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注册时间: 2007-09-15
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来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期一 五月 26, 2008 8:24 pm    发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Haiku) 引用并回复

I think the second haiku doesn't work very well to me.
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dundas[dundas]
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注册时间: 2008-02-23
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帖子发表于: 星期三 五月 28, 2008 1:15 pm    发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Haiku) 引用并回复

Champagne 写到:


christine 写到:



II
A shaken afternoon --
Dusty air with banging sounds
Bursting through the parted ground



I think the second haiku doesn't work very well to me.


I agree with Champagne.

I wonder if "explosive" would convey the sound better than "banging"? I have a different thought about the sound of 'banging" than I do from "exploding".The latter seems to me to convey the effect of an earthquake better.
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My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well
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clair[clair]
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注册时间: 2008-03-13
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帖子发表于: 星期四 五月 29, 2008 3:01 pm    发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Haiku) 引用并回复

deleted
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This dark
Ceiling without a star
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christine[christine]
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帖子发表于: 星期六 五月 31, 2008 10:03 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

Thanks for your suggestion.

I've revised my piece, significantly.
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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注册时间: 2007-05-29
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来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期六 五月 31, 2008 7:34 pm    发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) 引用并回复

christine 写到:


A child waved goodbye with a grin

A child's hand wept for help




The revised version is more concrete and subtle in its way to convey the cracked-open feeling on that day.

Two lines evoke sharply contrasting images of before and after the earthquake.

Yes, that day was the cruelest day.
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Champagne[Champagne]
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注册时间: 2007-09-15
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来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期日 六月 01, 2008 8:27 am    发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) 引用并回复

At the moment the voiceless are crying for help.
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I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
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dundas[dundas]
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注册时间: 2008-02-23
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帖子发表于: 星期一 六月 02, 2008 1:10 pm    发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) 引用并回复

I like the image conveyed in this haiku.

Dusty air clouded not only ruins but also the hearts of anguished parents who were once proud of their joyful children a few hours earlier.
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My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well
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浴恩福[浴恩福]
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(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
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注册时间: 2008-05-08
帖子: 123
来自: 多倫多

帖子发表于: 星期二 六月 03, 2008 2:29 pm    发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) 引用并回复

In my view, ericcoliu's Xiaoshi is a poetic summary of Christine's Haikus.
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christine[christine]
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帖子发表于: 星期三 六月 04, 2008 10:03 am    发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) 引用并回复

浴恩福 写到:


In my view, ericcoliu's Xiaoshi is a poetic summary of Christine's Haikus.


Yes, I agree with you.
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