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christine[christine] christine作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2008-02-25 帖子: 304
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发表于: 星期日 五月 25, 2008 12:54 pm 发表主题: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) |
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最后进行编辑的是 christine on 星期六 五月 31, 2008 10:05 am, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
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fanfan[FFFFFF] fanfan作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-12-27 帖子: 353 来自: Canada
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发表于: 星期日 五月 25, 2008 3:37 pm 发表主题: |
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I like your haikus which are replete with emotionally evocative, contrasting images.
By the way, I think "A sleepless night" would be better than "A long night." _________________ Don't imitate me;
it's as boring
as the two halves of a melon. |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期日 五月 25, 2008 4:50 pm 发表主题: |
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A spark of hope amid the debris of despair. _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期日 五月 25, 2008 9:28 pm 发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Haiku) |
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christine 写到: |
That Day, May 12th
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My reply is as follows:
That day was the cruelest day.
They had laughed loudly;
Moments later,
They cried, voiceless! _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期六 五月 31, 2008 8:28 am, 总计第 3 次编辑 |
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浴恩福[浴恩福] 浴恩福作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-05-08 帖子: 123 来自: 多倫多
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发表于: 星期一 五月 26, 2008 12:24 pm 发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Haiku) |
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christine 写到: |
That Day, May 12th
I
A sunny morning --
II
A shaken afternoon --
III
A long night --
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I like the way you structure your poem in the chronological order, yet revealing a sense of a-chronology through the choice of the phrase "a long night." _________________ 報三恩、耕三大福田 |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期一 五月 26, 2008 8:24 pm 发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Haiku) |
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I think the second haiku doesn't work very well to me. _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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dundas[dundas] dundas作品集 五品知州 (再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
注册时间: 2008-02-23 帖子: 214
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发表于: 星期三 五月 28, 2008 1:15 pm 发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Haiku) |
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Champagne 写到: |
christine 写到: |
II
A shaken afternoon --
Dusty air with banging sounds
Bursting through the parted ground
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I think the second haiku doesn't work very well to me. |
I agree with Champagne.
I wonder if "explosive" would convey the sound better than "banging"? I have a different thought about the sound of 'banging" than I do from "exploding".The latter seems to me to convey the effect of an earthquake better. _________________ My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
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clair[clair] clair作品集 七品按察司 (我开始管这里的事儿了)
注册时间: 2008-03-13 帖子: 83
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发表于: 星期四 五月 29, 2008 3:01 pm 发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Haiku) |
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deleted _________________ This dark
Ceiling without a star |
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christine[christine] christine作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2008-02-25 帖子: 304
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发表于: 星期六 五月 31, 2008 10:03 am 发表主题: |
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Thanks for your suggestion.
I've revised my piece, significantly. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期六 五月 31, 2008 7:34 pm 发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) |
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christine 写到: |
A child waved goodbye with a grin
A child's hand wept for help
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The revised version is more concrete and subtle in its way to convey the cracked-open feeling on that day.
Two lines evoke sharply contrasting images of before and after the earthquake.
Yes, that day was the cruelest day. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期日 六月 01, 2008 8:27 am 发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) |
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At the moment the voiceless are crying for help. _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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dundas[dundas] dundas作品集 五品知州 (再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
注册时间: 2008-02-23 帖子: 214
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发表于: 星期一 六月 02, 2008 1:10 pm 发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) |
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I like the image conveyed in this haiku.
Dusty air clouded not only ruins but also the hearts of anguished parents who were once proud of their joyful children a few hours earlier. _________________ My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
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浴恩福[浴恩福] 浴恩福作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-05-08 帖子: 123 来自: 多倫多
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发表于: 星期二 六月 03, 2008 2:29 pm 发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) |
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In my view, ericcoliu's Xiaoshi is a poetic summary of Christine's Haikus. _________________ 報三恩、耕三大福田 |
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christine[christine] christine作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2008-02-25 帖子: 304
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发表于: 星期三 六月 04, 2008 10:03 am 发表主题: Re: That Day, May 12th (Two Versions: Haiku and Xiaoshi) |
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浴恩福 写到: |
In my view, ericcoliu's Xiaoshi is a poetic summary of Christine's Haikus. |
Yes, I agree with you. |
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