酷我-北美枫

[星子]

Dear Jane,

I tried to send this letter many times, but I feared I was not good enough for you.
My past was not that kind of story you could imagine, I prefer not to mention it at all. Living under my parents’ shadow, I have seen too many lies and heartbroken. I thought I would never believe in love till I met you. I remember that night that very moment which brought you to my heart and it started to change my whole vision about future and about love. I had the feeling that you were the one, the one to let me settle down, and the one to live with forever. But I had no courage to talk with you, never mention to ask you to dance. Until the last dance, your deep and warm eyes fell upon me, and smiled, “Why you don’t join us?” You never know how wonderful that moment was, that I recall many times later.
I remember I had prayed for the time to stop while we were dancing, I remember how you scent and how your soft body was. I could still feel your hands shivering and mine too. It was such an amazing and divine feeling. I will never forget.
During my traveling years, I always think of you. I write many poems for you. You are every kind of flowers blooming in my dream. Often I regard you as myself, sharing the same dream and walking together. I cannot explain why you draw me so deep from my first sight at you; I only could assume it is love.
Forgive me that I tried to avoid to express my true feelings because I fear that I could not handle it properly. The shadows in my past hindered me from my pursuit of love. I never want to hurt you, but eventually that hurts you too. How I regret having wasted so much time and hurt both of us. Dear Jane, If it is not too late, I want to book the air tickets to Paris, promise me you will come? Please, Promise!


Love,
D.J.
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Dear Jane,

I tried to send this letter many times, but I feared I was not good enough for you.
My past was not that kind of story you could imagine, I prefer not to mention it at all. Living under my parents’ shadow, I have seen too many lies and heartbroken. I thought I would never believe in love till I met you. I remember that night that very moment which brought you to my heart and it started to change my whole vision about future and about love. I had the feeling that you were the one, the one to let me settle down, and the one to live with forever. But I had no courage to talk with you, never mention to ask you to dance. Until the last dance, your deep and warm eyes fell upon me, and smiled, “Why you don’t join us?” You never know how wonderful that moment was, that I recall many times later.
I remember I had prayed for the time to stop while we were dancing, I remember how you scent and how your soft body was. I could still feel your hands shivering and mine too. It was such an amazing and divine feeling. I will never forget.
During my traveling years, I always think of you. I write many poems for you. You are every kind of flowers blooming in my dream. Often I regard you as myself, sharing the same dream and walking together. I cannot explain why you draw me so deep from my first sight at you; I only could assume it is love.
Forgive me that I tried to avoid to express my true feelings because I fear that I could not handle it properly. The shadows in my past hindered me from my pursuit of love. I never want to hurt you, but eventually that hurts you too. How I regret having wasted so much time and hurt both of us. Dear Jane, If it is not too late, I want to book the air tickets to Paris, promise me you will come? Please, Promise!


Love,
D.J.
_________________

[anna]

Another Voice assignment


I slapped her on the face,
while she was still crying,
while she refused to leave.

I wonder if I am as cruel
As her boyfriend.
I long to slap her many times,
As she risks too much for him.

My words whipped too,
“If you don’t come with me right now,
I will leave you ALONE.”
She heard; no need to repeat.

The doctor said later,
I saved her life.
She said nothing,
Neither did I.

Years later, wherever we meet,
We silently walk away;
The slap on her face
Still hurts.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Another Voice assignment


I slapped her on the face,
while she was still crying,
while she refused to leave.

I wonder if I am as cruel
As her boyfriend.
I long to slap her many times,
As she risks too much for him.

My words whipped too,
“If you don’t come with me right now,
I will leave you ALONE.”
She heard; no need to repeat.

The doctor said later,
I saved her life.
She said nothing,
Neither did I.

Years later, wherever we meet,
We silently walk away;
The slap on her face
Still hurts.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[christine]

It seems to me that your love letter, except the third paragraph, is written mainly from the mind. It reads like an explanatory letter. More importantly, I think you need to pay close attention to controlling shifts in verb tense. Unnecessary or inconsistent shifts in tense can cause confusion for the reader. Generally speaking, writers maintain one tense for the main discourse and indicate changes in time frame by changing tense relative to that primary tense.

Just a thought.

[[christine]]

It seems to me that your love letter, except the third paragraph, is written mainly from the mind. It reads like an explanatory letter. More importantly, I think you need to pay close attention to controlling shifts in verb tense. Unnecessary or inconsistent shifts in tense can cause confusion for the reader. Generally speaking, writers maintain one tense for the main discourse and indicate changes in time frame by changing tense relative to that primary tense.

Just a thought.

[星子]

The verb tense is my big challenge. Thanks for pointing it out.

Anna
_________________

[[ANNA]]

The verb tense is my big challenge. Thanks for pointing it out.

Anna
_________________

[anna]

Interesting comments from Penshell:

------

This is one of your best poems. I think it's strong, perfectly written in English. I like the fact that you don't give away too much. Good work.
I revised it again, hope it is better. Please do let me know.

----Don


Wow-

this is direct, realistic - "poetic" language gone -

it packs a punch without "giving it all away" as Don said.

yes - here, Anna has begun to go down

into the well, and listen to pit voice.

---- Doug

I really enjoyed your revised version of this moment in time that still clings to your psyche. good writing,

peter
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Interesting comments from Penshell:

------

This is one of your best poems. I think it's strong, perfectly written in English. I like the fact that you don't give away too much. Good work.
I revised it again, hope it is better. Please do let me know.

----Don


Wow-

this is direct, realistic - "poetic" language gone -

it packs a punch without "giving it all away" as Don said.

yes - here, Anna has begun to go down

into the well, and listen to pit voice.

---- Doug

I really enjoyed your revised version of this moment in time that still clings to your psyche. good writing,

peter
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

As for my revision,

Don Schaeffer #6 [-]

To be honest, I don't think you improved it. You got a lttle too specific and telly. It was better when you hinted at the events without being too clear.
----


So I read a few more times and compare two versions. I agreed with Don, then revised it to the old version.

---old---

I slapped her on the face,
while she was still crying,
while she refused to leave.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am as cruel
As her boyfriend.
I long to slap her many times,
As she risks too much for him.

I said and meant it,
"If you don't go with me right now,
I will leave you ALONE."
With a sharp slap, she heard.
No need to repeat.

The doctor said later,
I saved her life.
She said nothing,
Neither did I.

Years later, wherever we meet,
We silently walk away;
The slap on her face
Still hurts.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

As for my revision,

Don Schaeffer #6 [-]

To be honest, I don't think you improved it. You got a lttle too specific and telly. It was better when you hinted at the events without being too clear.
----


So I read a few more times and compare two versions. I agreed with Don, then revised it to the old version.

---old---

I slapped her on the face,
while she was still crying,
while she refused to leave.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am as cruel
As her boyfriend.
I long to slap her many times,
As she risks too much for him.

I said and meant it,
"If you don't go with me right now,
I will leave you ALONE."
With a sharp slap, she heard.
No need to repeat.

The doctor said later,
I saved her life.
She said nothing,
Neither did I.

Years later, wherever we meet,
We silently walk away;
The slap on her face
Still hurts.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com