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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期二 一月 08, 2008 12:06 pm 发表主题: 花几多 (双语诗歌,请批) |
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我的梦在梦里
让一个遗憾
生根,它可以开花
灿烂如星
没有什么可以攀比
我绞结它的果浆,
清晨你饮,
那甘露的甜美,
我告诉你吧,
亲爱的,
是成熟的石榴红.
A dream within a dream
Let seeds of sorrow
root, sprout and bloom
Brilliant as stars
Nothing could match
I squeeze its juice out
In the morning you shall drink.
The dew-like sweetness
My dear,
Is from the red ripe megranate
莲
再次为你开放,
应该是夏天.
或者梦里.
碧绿的裙摆,
香气四溢.
粉嫩的花瓣半开,
水里,不深不浅的倒影.
Lotus
Another blossom
for you
shall be in summer
or in a dream
My lush green skirt
spreads fresh scents.
Pink soft petals half open,
In the water, shadows neither deep nor shallow _________________
最后进行编辑的是 星子 on 星期五 一月 11, 2008 10:39 pm, 总计第 4 次编辑 |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期二 一月 08, 2008 2:20 pm 发表主题: |
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Title "花几多" sounds like Cantonese, meaning "so many flowers". |
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期二 一月 08, 2008 4:53 pm 发表主题: |
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Lake 写到: | Title "花几多" sounds like Cantonese, meaning "so many flowers". |
yes... I worked near Hongkong and know Cantonese.
But here is my typo. 花几朵. _________________
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戴玨[Edgar] 戴玨作品集 五品知州 (再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
注册时间: 2006-12-26 帖子: 213
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期三 一月 09, 2008 9:34 am 发表主题: |
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Hi Edgar,
Thanks a lot.
Anna _________________
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期三 一月 09, 2008 6:08 pm 发表主题: Re: 花几多 (双语诗歌,请批) |
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星子 写到: |
My lush green skirt
spreads fresh scents.
Pink soft petals half opened,
In the water, shadows not deep nor shallow
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My suggestions are:
1) Pink soft petals half open;
2) In the water, shadows neither deep nor shallow. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期三 一月 09, 2008 8:59 pm 发表主题: |
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Thanks Eric.
Sure. _________________
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期五 一月 11, 2008 4:35 pm 发表主题: Re: 花几多 (双语诗歌,请批) |
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星子 写到: |
My dream is in a dream
Let a sorrow root
It could bloom
Brilliant as stars
Nothing could match
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Something awkward about the title and the first stanza of the poem.
What follows is my suggestion for revising your work:
My Dream within a Dream (or A Dream within a Dream*)
Let seeds of regret
Take root, sprout, and bloom
Note:
A Dream Within A Dream is the title of a famous poem written by Edgar Allan Poe. It is twenty-four lines, divided into two stanzas. It strongly challenges the way one can distinguish between reality and fantasy, asking, "Is all that we see or seem but a dream within a dream?" _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期五 一月 11, 2008 8:41 pm 发表主题: |
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HI Champagne
Thank you very much.
Very good suggestions. I will google the poem you mentioned.
Anna _________________
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期五 一月 11, 2008 10:40 pm 发表主题: |
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A Dream Within A Dream
Take this kiss upon the brow!
And, in parting from you now,
Thus much let me avow-
You are not wrong, who deem
That my days have been a dream;
Yet if hope has flown away
In a night, or in a day,
In a vision, or in none,
Is it therefore the less gone?
All that we see or seem
Is but a dream within a dream.
I stand amid the roar
Of a surf-tormented shore,
And I hold within my hand
Grains of the golden sand-
How few! yet how they creep
Through my fingers to the deep,
While I weep- while I weep!
O God! can I not grasp
Them with a tighter clasp?
O God! can I not save
One from the pitiless wave?
Is all that we see or seem
But a dream within a dream?
Edgar Allan Poe _________________
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