酷我-北美枫

hongyun198

A Duel With A Devil Shadow

I faced him now

The shadow

In the round abattoir

Wearing swords we stood

Holding breath we stared

No time to make a compromise

For it's a duel

Fair duel

Let me sing my last song like Whitman

Let me kiss my last liquid on the cheek

As a bard

I accept it to be an end

Of the lasting conflict

And the beginning

Of the legendary heroic

The wind howled the terrific noise

The mist gathered around us

Like a mixed soup

Devouring two jujubes

I was blinded

I was deaf

In the nonsense of the justice

Without fear I jumped out

From the shiny half to the dark

It leapt forward

From the dark to the shiny

In one second we met

Another we past

Gleaming like the open of a heaven

Burning eyes like the hellfire

The flash ended

Sword dropped

I fell

In the circle of the yard

Sunshine narrowed into lines

Dark pervaded the rest

I felt a wall on mind

Squeezing the souls out

There the shadow lay

In the center of my heart

I climbed to the despair

Filled the nothingness

With my own corpse

There I called the shadow's true name

hongyun

Thunder divided the cloud

Storm blew the mist away

The line widened and widened

Shining on the numb cold body

Just a little warm

Is enough for renascence

After the tiring dream

I was spit out

By the sunshine

Like a word
_________________
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Lake · 发表于: 星期五十二月 21, 2007 3:48 pm 发表主题:

The language flows well. A couple of questions:

"Squzzing the souls out", what is 'squzzing'? Do you mean 'squeezing' or something else? I didn't find it in the dictionary.

"There the shadow lies ", 'lies' - the verb tense doesn't agree with those of other verbs in the poem.

I do like "Sunshine narrowed into lines ".

As for the content, though you depict it as a dream, it reads to me like a fight in a computer game. I may be way off...

By the way, can you resize your signature picture to make the post easier to read? Thanks.

Happy holidays!

.

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期五十二月 21, 2007 9:39 pm 发表主题:

hongyun198 · 发表于: 星期五十二月 21, 2007 9:47 pm 发表主题:

I did make a mistake on squeezing.
I'm so sorry for that.
And also the word "lies" is wrong, too
Thanks for your corrections and praise.
If it reads like a fight in a PC game, I must say that your feeling is so accurate.
I love games.
However, this poem's original idea comes from a novel: The wizard of earthsea.
It's so good a novel that I strongly recommend it to you.
_________________
我触摸窒息，并借此恢复呼吸。

hongyun198 · 发表于: 星期五十二月 21, 2007 9:49 pm 发表主题:

I did make a mistake on squeezing.
I'm so sorry for that.
And also the word "lies" is wrong, too
Thanks for your corrections and praise.
If it reads like a fight in a PC game, I must say that your feeling is so accurate.
I love games.
However, this poem's original idea comes from a novel: The wizard of earthsea.
It's so good a novel that I strongly recommend it to you.
_________________
我触摸窒息，并借此恢复呼吸。

Champagne · 发表于: 星期日十二月 23, 2007 5:50 pm 发表主题:

A genuine, deeply felt piece of writing, except the issue regarding Verb Tense Consistency.

Lake · 发表于: 星期一十二月 24, 2007 1:24 pm 发表主题:

hongyun,

You don't need to feel sorry, everyone makes mistakes. And the ones I pointed out are minor. If you don't mind here is another nitpick:

Storm blowed the mist away [/quote]

I think 'blowed' should be 'blew'.

Keep posting.

Cheers,

Lake

hongyun198 · 发表于: 星期四十二月 27, 2007 11:20 am 发表主题:

Thanks for your correction and all the readers here and your remarks.
They mean a lot to me.
I prefer writing out those deep feelings in my mind.
This is the first time I wrote a poem in English so seriously.
However, it's hard to write in traditional form and fit the rythm.
So I mentioned Whitman, he's my ancestor in free form.
_________________
我触摸窒息，并借此恢复呼吸。