酷我-北美枫

Lake · 发表于: 星期四六月 28, 2007 10:02 pm 发表主题: The Moment

The Moment

the air, fishy and stuffy
mosquitoes buzzing
insects crawling
in an agitated sleep
she tossed and turned

with a startled cry
suddenly, she felt like riding
on a roller coaster
being hurled from side to side

by instinct
she threw herself
over her little sister

off the roof fell a beam
leaning towards them
dust rose, swirl upon swirl
they gasped heavily for air

a shaky voice from mom
penetrated through the darkness
"mom's coming to save us", she mumbled
while groping for an opening
then out they climbed

standing on the debris where
a moment ago sunflowers grew
she thought to herself

I must've done something good
I must've done something good

(with some revisions)

不清 · 发表于: 星期四六月 28, 2007 10:09 pm 发表主题:

Did I read this poem before somewhere else? It's imagery is familiar. It reminds me of a recent poem written by William Marr.

Done something good vs natural disaster / or war?? good contrast.
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「四十二排浪，沒有一排是相似的」——不清

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Lake · 发表于: 星期四六月 28, 2007 10:26 pm 发表主题:

不清 · 发表于: 星期五六月 29, 2007 6:36 am 发表主题:

Yes, Ominous Signs.

I guess it is the use of language that echoes the two.

the repeat of the end line "I must've done something good" reminds me of Marr's other poem.... Don't remember the name, but I think you read it and commented on it. It is a poem that Marr said he misses going back to China or something like that.
_________________
「四十二排浪，沒有一排是相似的」——不清

博客：
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Lake · 发表于: 星期五六月 29, 2007 8:50 pm 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期五六月 29, 2007 9:04 pm 发表主题:

Hi Lake, try to keep it more concise and subtle...more images...

don't need to put too much description I think...

But it is up to you.
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Lake · 发表于: 星期二七月 03, 2007 10:52 am 发表主题:

I am working on that, I am working on that 星子.

I think description's needed but not telling.

Some telly lines are revised.

Lake · 发表于: 星期日七月 08, 2007 9:34 pm 发表主题:

some feedbacks:

Lake, this powerful poem has to be about surviving an earthquake!

As far as I'm concerned, it is mechanically sound. You have skillfully limited punctuation to within lines, until you reach the emphatic colon in the last stanza, followed by what I feel is the epiphany:

Lake · 发表于: 星期日八月 12, 2007 2:26 pm 发表主题:

接受诗友的建议，再来瘦身。

The Moment

the air, fishy and stuffy
insects probing
in an agitated sleep
she was restless as the land

with a startled cry
suddenly, she was on a roller coaster
in waves Earth trembled

by instinct
she threw herself
over her little sister

off the roof fell a beam
leaning towards them
dust rose, swirl upon swirl
they gasped for air

a shaky voice from mom
penetrated the darkness
"mom's coming to save us", she mumbled
groping for an opening
out they climbed

standing on the debris where
a moment ago sunflowers grew
she thought to herself :

I must've done something good
I must've done something good

.

戴玨 · 发表于: 星期一八月 13, 2007 6:01 pm 发表主题:

a shaky voice from mom
penetrated the darkness
"mom's coming to save us", she mumbled

mumble不好，給人感覺遲疑，缺乏應有的興奮或焦急。
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Lake · 发表于: 星期二八月 14, 2007 12:06 pm 发表主题:

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期二八月 14, 2007 5:12 pm 发表主题:

Hi! Lake:

How about "coo"?

One of definitions of "coo" is to speak gently or lovingly in murmurs.
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Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

Lake · 发表于: 星期三八月 15, 2007 10:11 pm 发表主题:

Hi Eric,

Thanks for your suggestion. 'coo', too gentle and loving, methinks.
Will murmur, mutter work？ Not so sure.

戴玨 · 发表于: 星期四八月 16, 2007 5:03 pm 发表主题:

How about squeak?
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Lake · 发表于: 星期五八月 17, 2007 3:48 pm 发表主题:

觉得这里 squeak 还是用不上。

反正是碎石瓦块砸下来，呛得根本张不开嘴，呼吸都困难。