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Grandma's fish

 
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不清[不清]
不清作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-03-22
帖子: 1364

帖子发表于: 星期日 十月 22, 2006 4:49 pm    发表主题: Grandma's fish 引用并回复

Grandma's fish

Thus, I thought of my childhood
picking a toy car from the shelf
of a toy store,
removing it from the jammed highway
along with an irritated driver.
of course I wasn't the one paying.
she's my little grandma,
choosing to go to the market
by foot.
It seemed a long journey,
and the poor fish struggled,
flipping in a crinkled plastic bag
making groan of sizzle.
a morning of light rain washes down
the autumn leaves,
as I sit dully here

20061022
20061025 ed.

外婆的魚 (一改)

便想起童年
從玩具店的陳列架上
挑選一輛玩具車
讓繁忙的公路上也少一輛
少一個暴躁的人
當然付錢的不是你
是你矮小的外婆
她選擇步行
從街市到家那漫長的路上
新鮮的魚在掙扎
在膠袋裡彈跳 並且
令膠袋發出唦唦的呻吟
雨水洗滌路邊的黃葉
你在車裡發呆

20061022
_________________
「四十二排浪,沒有一排是相似的」——不清

博客:
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最后进行编辑的是 不清 on 星期一 十一月 06, 2006 3:45 pm, 总计第 4 次编辑
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期一 十月 23, 2006 11:06 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

Hi 不清,

I am glad you took my words deleting the three lines that you thought sounded less poetic. However, I am not quite sure if it adds strength to the poem or decreases the clarity of the meaning of the poem. Wink Each version has its own sensibilities and they are to be respected. Exclamation

The English version flows well, I think. Just a few notes here:

'little grandma' is cute. Cool

'sizzle' often connects with cooking, dish on a frying pan... A possible alternative 'rustle'? 'flop' for 'flip' ?

"It was a long journey it seems." The tense doesn't sound right to me. Maybe "It seemed a long journey"?

Good effort. Enjoyed it.

Best,
Lake
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不清[不清]
不清作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-03-22
帖子: 1364

帖子发表于: 星期一 十月 23, 2006 11:31 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

thanks for your suggestion and encouragement. Like i said before, my english language is not that great, eventhough i have been living in canada for over 15 years! shame on me! Embarassed haha!

I used "sizzle" hoping to foreshadow the fish that was going to be cooked. maybe i have over-tried! Idea




Lake 写到:
Hi 不清,

I am glad you took my words deleting the three lines that you thought sounded less poetic. However, I am not quite sure if it adds strength to the poem or decreases the clarity of the meaning of the poem. Wink Each version has its own sensibilities and they are to be respected. Exclamation

The English version flows well, I think. Just a few notes here:

'little grandma' is cute. Cool

'sizzle' often connects with cooking, dish on a frying pan... A possible alternative 'rustle'? 'flop' for 'flip' ?

"It was a long journey it seems." The tense doesn't sound right to me. Maybe "It seemed a long journey"?

Good effort. Enjoyed it.

Best,
Lake

_________________
「四十二排浪,沒有一排是相似的」——不清

博客:
http://42waves.tumblr.com
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期一 十月 23, 2006 11:41 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

引用:
I used "sizzle" hoping to foreshadow the fish that was going to be cooked. maybe i have over-tried!


Then that explains it. Just my thoughts of course. You are doing much better than I can. Feel great!
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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集

酷我!I made it!
酷我!I made it!


注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto

帖子发表于: 星期一 十月 23, 2006 1:51 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

how about changing Thus into "Therefore" sound better?

removing it from the jammed highway
along with an irritated driver. ----- seems a huge jump here
of course I wasn't the one paying.


all in all it sounds great and thoughtful
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不清[不清]
不清作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-03-22
帖子: 1364

帖子发表于: 星期二 十月 24, 2006 11:12 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

星子 写到:
how about changing Thus into "Therefore" sound better?

removing it from the jammed highway
along with an irritated driver. ----- seems a huge jump here
of course I wasn't the one paying.


all in all it sounds great and thoughtful


therefore聽起來有點嚴肅
我覺得thus的單音節比較隨意

你是說driver和of course i wasn't the one paying 之間有個huge jump嗎?我也有這樣覺得,也許我是故意在一首短詩裡製造出好幾個影像:toy store,highway,market,grandma,fish來形容司機在塞車的時候胡思亂想,百感交集的樣子吧。
_________________
「四十二排浪,沒有一排是相似的」——不清

博客:
http://42waves.tumblr.com
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期三 十月 25, 2006 12:04 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

我觉得thus 比 therefore 好。如不清说的,單音節, 不拖拉, 一下就把 speaker 带到以往的回忆中。初读时,也感到突兀;再读,就觉得好,一种跳跃的思路,往事如走马灯一样浮现...
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