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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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 发表于: 星期三 十一月 26, 2008 10:00 pm 发表主题: Re: In the air, I swing |
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| 温暖的水獸 写到: |
I think you can your poem more succinct by rewriting the following lines:
In the air, I swing
no matter how civilized
there’s always a primitive impulse –
to leap, swing, fly
across undulating grassland
into the vast sky
to explore the unknown.
Try. |
Thanks for the pruning. I've read it several times and feel the shortened form is kind of off the beat. How do you feel? |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期三 十一月 26, 2008 10:10 pm 发表主题: |
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| Believe it or not, this one, along with my another shorty - a four-liner verse, got nominated in a Photography/Poetry Competition. No doubt the winner is a native English speaker. But I'm really chuffed and surprised ( for I did this just for fun ) that someone even voted for it. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 十一月 27, 2008 5:08 pm 发表主题: Re: In the air, I swing |
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| Lake 写到: |
That looks pretty good though - beginning, middle, ending.  |
Typographically speaking, you’re right.
| Lake 写到: |
Believe it or not, this one, along with my another shorty - a four-liner verse, got nominated in a Photography/Poetry Competition. |
Lake, I believe in your poetic capabilities. Congratulations!
May I ask what the concluding stanza of your poem submitted Poetry Competition is?
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期五 十一月 28, 2008 7:03 pm 发表主题: Re: In the air, I swing |
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| ericcoliu 写到: |
May I ask what the concluding stanza of your poem submitted Poetry Competition is? |
It was submitted before it was posted here, so the answer is "try".  |
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