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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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 发表于: 星期二 九月 09, 2008 10:40 pm 发表主题: |
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正念叨着您呢，您就来了。
| 非马 写到: |
From the title, I could sense the passing of time. Besides that, I agree with Anna that the connection between the title and the verse is not that strong. Maybe I too am losing some of my imagination.  |
Yeah, the meaning of "the passing of time" is the most apparent, of course, you have to read and think. Any feel of "the passing of time" in the poem itself? If one can gain some other associations， the connection might be stronger. I'm afraid if I tell what's in my mind, you'll think these are all made up. I'm expecting readers to work it out and I've received some satisfactory responses. I didn't ask, they told me.
| 非马 写到: | Some minor suggestions for you to consider:
1.
wriggles in. A cicada sings
its last song to a leaf alone
swirling in the wind that carries
the smell of Ma’s sweet rice
Would it sound better if you put "alone" after "swirling"? |
Sound much better.
| 非马 写到: | 2.
Leaves are back huddling their tree roots,
gophers are back digging storage rooms,
I don't know whether repetition of the words "are back" in the two lines are intentional. Personally I would change them to somethng like:
Leaves are back huddling their tree roots,
gophers return to dig storage rooms, |
Yes, the repetition is intentional. Again, some like it, saying it adds layers; some don't. I have another version without 'back'. Am I trying to please everyone?
| 非马 写到: |
3.
by the cicadas' somber song, “I know… I know…”
How about changing "“I know… I know…” to "I see...I see..."?
It probably means the same thing but would sound much better, considering the chirp of a cicada. |
Much better sonics. Perhaps you are the only one who understands what the 'song' is. Reminded me of your cicada poem and my teasing comment 莴苣 
Great suggestions, concrete and right to the point. All points are well taken.
Much appreciation! |
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