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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期四 十一月 27, 2008 6:41 pm 发表主题: The Winter of My Discontent (published in Word Catalyst) |
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(The Winter of My Discontent has been published in the March Issue of Word Catalyst)
The Winter of My Discontent co-written by ericcoliu
I
cars in driveways
blanketed with blistery white --
snowfall
II
passing by each other
then disappearing --
footprints in the snow
III
steam rises from the kettle
as snow covers the swing set --
foggy windows
IV
TVs are off
blank faces still clutch remotes –
ice storm blackout
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get to know snow
in both one’s mind and body --
buried
VI
meditating
while shovelling the driveway –
snow is just snow.
to be continued ... _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
最后进行编辑的是 Champagne on 星期日 三月 01, 2009 8:32 am, 总计第 12 次编辑 |
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christine[christine] christine作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2008-02-25 帖子: 304
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发表于: 星期五 十一月 28, 2008 2:24 pm 发表主题: Re: First Snowfall (Haiku) |
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Champagne 写到: |
First Snowfall
rising steam from the sink –
winter descends
on this white night |
Nicely done.
Fabulous choice of words which reveal their contrasts. |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期五 十一月 28, 2008 7:35 pm 发表主题: Re: First Snowfall (Haiku) |
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Champagne 写到: | First Snowfall
rising steam from the sink –
winter descends
on this white night |
Champagne,
I've read it a few times. I saw the contrast images - rising steam and descending winter, white snow and dark night, but I failed to link the images together. My problem is: what's the connection between steam and snow? I need to think it hard.
Lake |
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dundas[dundas] dundas作品集 五品知州 (再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
注册时间: 2008-02-23 帖子: 214
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发表于: 星期六 十一月 29, 2008 4:54 pm 发表主题: Re: First Snowfall (Haiku) |
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Champagne 写到: |
First Snowfall
rising steam from the sink –
winter descends
on this white night |
During winter time, I wash dishes in hot water.
To me, the poem records the haiku moment clearly and accurately. _________________ My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期一 十二月 01, 2008 8:15 pm 发表主题: Re: First Snowfall (Haiku) |
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christine 写到: |
Fabulous choice of words which reveal their contrasts. |
A sharp eye for my poem.
Thanks for your close reading of my poem.
dundas 写到: |
During winter time, I wash dishes in hot water.
To me, the poem records the haiku moment clearly and accurately. |
Yes, this haiku grew out of my dish-washing experience.
Thanks for being so generous in your compliments. _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期一 十二月 01, 2008 8:24 pm 发表主题: Re: First Snowfall (Haiku) |
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Lake 写到: | Champagne 写到: |
My problem is: what's the connection between steam and snow? I need to think it hard. |
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Hi! Lake:
As Dundas said in his/her reply, "during [snowing] winter time, I wash dishes in hot water" and find "rising steam from the sink" while looking out the window.
Thanks for the read and your valuable question. _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期二 十二月 02, 2008 12:16 pm 发表主题: |
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Champagne,
Thanks for your explanation. I do understand what you mean, it may just be I'm a bit too pedantic.
I wash dishes in hot water all year round. Sure, the steam is more visible in cold weather.
Here's my attempt with the image 'steam', see if it links snow.
steam blurs my window
I wipe it off –
snowflakes shower !
Any thoughts on this?
Cheers,
Lake |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期五 十二月 05, 2008 3:00 pm 发表主题: |
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Lake 写到: |
Here's my attempt with the image 'steam', see if it links snow.
steam blurs my window
I wipe it off –
snowflakes shower !
Any thoughts on this?
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I like your concluding line, which reveals a moment of discovery or an exclamation of delight (or excitement), depending on which punctuation mark you use. In my view, "." is better than "!". _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期四 一月 01, 2009 10:55 am 发表主题: |
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I've decided to write a snow haiku sequence.
Below is the latest one:
II
TV off
the screen reflects a man –
snowstorming _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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christine[christine] christine作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2008-02-25 帖子: 304
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发表于: 星期五 一月 02, 2009 7:56 pm 发表主题: Re: In the Cold (Snow Haiku Sequence, No. of Haiku: 2) |
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Champagne 写到: |
II
TV off
the screen reflects a man –
snowstorming
To be continued … |
A lonely, sad image. |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期二 一月 06, 2009 12:27 pm 发表主题: |
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Thanks for capturing the loneliness of the imagery.
I've added one more haiku. _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期五 一月 16, 2009 10:31 am 发表主题: |
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I've revised my haiku sequence and renamed it to In the Deep Freeze. _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期二 一月 20, 2009 11:30 pm 发表主题: |
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I added one more haiku to my thread:
meditating
while shovelling the driveway –
snow is just snow. _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期一 一月 26, 2009 8:27 am 发表主题: |
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I added one more haiku to my thread:
everything in view
blanketed with white sheets --
snowfall _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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浴恩福[浴恩福] 浴恩福作品集 六品通判 (官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
注册时间: 2008-05-08 帖子: 123 来自: 多倫多
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发表于: 星期二 一月 27, 2009 6:59 pm 发表主题: Re: In the Deep Freeze (revised, no of haiku:5) |
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Champagne 写到: |
V
meditating
while shovelling the driveway –
snow is just snow.
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This is my favorite. "just" is the key word to unlock the poem.
I like your meditations on snow. _________________ 報三恩、耕三大福田 |
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