酷我-北美枫

尹士林 · 发表于: 星期一六月 12, 2006 7:16 am 发表主题:

似乎应该有个标题更好。
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我坚信最暗无天日的地方也会有花朵绽放！
虽不能说倾国倾城，也算是玉树临风、一表人才；
我并不缺少美，只是有人缺少发现！
尹士林

星子 · 发表于: 星期一六月 12, 2006 8:07 am 发表主题:

谢谢大家，，，，不同的人看出不同的东西。。。。

最喜欢清眉小妹，，，，抱抱 ^ ^
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陈欣 · 发表于: 星期二六月 13, 2006 5:41 am 发表主题:

欣赏,问好星子
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这些年/我学会了忘记/忘记一些声音，目光和疼痛/心坚硬成盾牌/飞来的箭纷纷跌落心门之外/有些东西/记得越多，伤害就越大

wanghui0813 · 发表于: 星期二六月 13, 2006 6:13 am 发表主题:

意象剪接得好！
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潇湘辉子

晨笛 · 发表于: 星期二六月 13, 2006 6:21 am 发表主题:

这首诗让我想到了很多，各个层面，是首有内涵的诗
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晨笛叩窗的那一刻，我飞越了整个春天

上帝的拇指 · 发表于: 星期二六月 13, 2006 7:51 pm 发表主题:

内心的。蚕食吧？问好
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那熟悉光明的人，把自己隐藏在黑暗里

温东华 · 发表于: 星期二六月 13, 2006 7:54 pm 发表主题:

这篇诗写得成功.

星子 · 发表于: 星期二六月 13, 2006 8:02 pm 发表主题:

蚕食--- right.

Thanks all.
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赵福治 · 发表于: 星期二六月 13, 2006 8:21 pm 发表主题:

转过身，再转，
慢慢停住，
墙角一只蜘蛛，
悠然地蝉食
落网的虫子。。。。。。我感觉命题《无题》，效果更好些。
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季节的花开在枝头，我走在第五季的路上……

风动 · 发表于: 星期二六月 13, 2006 8:29 pm 发表主题:

是的，很大的空间。我把它读成三首诗。耐嚼。

余清眉 · 发表于: 星期二六月 13, 2006 10:27 pm 发表主题:

拣到一块金子了~~哈

星子 · 发表于: 星期三六月 14, 2006 8:47 am 发表主题:

谢谢大家，译成英文了。。。。因为确实不同我以往的诗，所以想看看老外如何评价。
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星子 · 发表于: 星期三六月 14, 2006 10:57 am 发表主题:

From penshell forum:
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This is such a beautiful poem!!
and much enjoyed reading it
pretty pretty visuals
and I think something a bit different in your style
much enjoyed!

Golden*
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Marvalous!

I always did enjoy your style. Just one little line to mix about:

My pink dress is pulled off half way
to...
My pink dress partly peeled away

I started by just swapping a few words about, but then the image formed properly and in the end I re-wrote it. Hope that gives you an idea.

Cust.
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Lav... I enjoyed the brevity of this, and the sudden dark ending. When going for minimal (as you seem to be) less is more, so I agree with Bri's suggestions for li'l cuts (with the exception of S3 - I like the little bit of suspense between I stop - and 'a spider'). If you wanted to, you could really get out the o'l trimming shears and also lose some of your end-line punc:

The cat huddles in a corner
tonight, he wouldn't go out
his half-open eyes make me nervous.

Pink dress pulled off half way
my skin shines like snow -
Mona Lisa in the mirror smiles

Turn around, and turn again,
I stop.
A spider on the wall
enjoys his meal—
trapped moth.

The speaker goes from admiring herself in her finery to a sudden realization that things are not as they seem. She sees the trap that she is in, and perhaps realises that she has placed herself in the trap. The spider could be a man, or a situation, although the spider is stated to be a 'he' and not a 'she'. Or perhaps she is trapped in a lifestyle or a contrived way of 'being'. The 'man' scenario came to mind first, though.

I enjoyed this sudden bit of sel-realization. Seems as though she's been caught in the act!

Mike

看来老外也有同感。。。^ ^
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七小姐 · 发表于: 星期四六月 15, 2006 7:36 pm 发表主题:

so enjoy!
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遛达的七七

水稻 · 发表于: 星期六六月 17, 2006 5:53 am 发表主题:

粉色衣裙退了一半
——充满诱惑啊，呵呵～
问好！