酷我-北美枫

[星子]

多想爆破自己，
哪怕焰火，
也融入天外的星空；

多想不再锁链
心中的羽翼，
让它冲入云霄；

这些象誓言样的梦呓呀，
你告诉所有听故事的人，
在火焰中有一只凤凰
渴望浴血重生。

而在一个雨夜的森林里，
只有一棵老橡树静静地听着，
回应着风浊斑班的笑容
和枝桠的深深伤痕。。。

---
I wish to break into pieces,
even in firework,
they still blend in starry sky.

I wish to unlock wings
of my heart,
let them soar above clouds.

Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters--
once there is a phenix in flames,
yearning to be reborn.

But on the rainy night in the forest,
only an old oak tree hearken it in quiesce,
replys with its eroded smile
and drooping wounded boughs.

[[ANNA]]

多想爆破自己，
哪怕焰火，
也融入天外的星空；

多想不再锁链
心中的羽翼，
让它冲入云霄；

这些象誓言样的梦呓呀，
你告诉所有听故事的人，
在火焰中有一只凤凰
渴望浴血重生。

而在一个雨夜的森林里，
只有一棵老橡树静静地听着，
回应着风浊斑班的笑容
和枝桠的深深伤痕。。。

---
I wish to break into pieces,
even in firework,
they still blend in starry sky.

I wish to unlock wings
of my heart,
let them soar above clouds.

Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters--
once there is a phenix in flames,
yearning to be reborn.

But on the rainy night in the forest,
only an old oak tree hearken it in quiesce,
replys with its eroded smile
and drooping wounded boughs.

[icecanadaice]

很细腻的内心描述.可爱的老橡树.

[[皇甫丽雯]]

很细腻的内心描述.可爱的老橡树.

[风动]

“只有一棵老橡树静静地听着”

数字统计不准！

[[风动]]

“只有一棵老橡树静静地听着”

数字统计不准！

[蓝冰]

YES, 还有蓝冰

[[FFFFFF]]

YES, 还有蓝冰

[和平岛]

可爱的老橡树
还有冰
蓝色的冰

[[我还没有昵称]]

可爱的老橡树
还有冰
蓝色的冰

[蓝冰]

岛斑, 再捣乱我得把幼儿园大班老诗叫来了

[[FFFFFF]]

岛斑, 再捣乱我得把幼儿园大班老诗叫来了

[星子]

Thanks all.

I think the phenix is my inner, old oak tree is also myself.


Here I post some comments from western world---


Hi Lavendar,

I think your pros on this piece are that you have some very original language and strong images. The cons are just little things...

I wish to break into pieces,
even in ashes,
still long to the starry

This stanza is a little awkward for me. I think it is the final line. I like the mention of the starry sky but think it needs something more. And something less. Leave out "the".

I wish to unlock wings
of my heart,
let them soar above clouds.

This one is fine.

Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters--
once there is a phenix in a flame,
yearning to be reborn.

I love the way you phrased this and like the "murmurs like vows from dreams". I think though you should put an "o" in "phenix".

But on the rainy night in the forest,
only an old oak tree hearkens it in quiesce,
replies with its eroded smile
and drooping wounded boughs.[/i]

And I love this one as it is!

Beautiful writing, Lavendar. You are a talented gal.

Nochipa
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Thanks all.

I think the phenix is my inner, old oak tree is also myself.


Here I post some comments from western world---


Hi Lavendar,

I think your pros on this piece are that you have some very original language and strong images. The cons are just little things...

I wish to break into pieces,
even in ashes,
still long to the starry

This stanza is a little awkward for me. I think it is the final line. I like the mention of the starry sky but think it needs something more. And something less. Leave out "the".

I wish to unlock wings
of my heart,
let them soar above clouds.

This one is fine.

Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters--
once there is a phenix in a flame,
yearning to be reborn.

I love the way you phrased this and like the "murmurs like vows from dreams". I think though you should put an "o" in "phenix".

But on the rainy night in the forest,
only an old oak tree hearkens it in quiesce,
replies with its eroded smile
and drooping wounded boughs.[/i]

And I love this one as it is!

Beautiful writing, Lavendar. You are a talented gal.

Nochipa
_________________

[星子]

G'day lavender,
I too like your images. In the first 3 stanzas I thought you were writing as the Old Oak, but S4 makes external references to the oak, so I guess I was wrong.

my comments are as follows;

S1
I couldn't connect L1 and L2 to L3 still long to the starry sky.

S2
I like as it is.

S3
Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters--
once there is a phenix in a flame, <~~ I don't get the use of once in this line. Unless you mean that dreams have told the story-hunters only once, in which case I would put it at the previous line end, otherwise delete.
________________
Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters once--
there is a phenix in a flame,
yearning to be reborn.

or

Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters--
there is a phenix in a flame,
yearning to be reborn.

S4
only an old oak tree hearkens it in quiesce, <~~ on first read harkens seemed out of place with the rest of the poem, but now that I am commenting, the Old English feel of the word suits the Old Oak which probably had its formative years in that time frame. quiesce on the other hand is, for me, to obscure. (though now that I have tracked it down in a dictionary I see it means, "silent, like a letter", so that to suits an old oak.) Guess I have no complaints about this line after all! LOL
and drooping wounded boughs. <~~ why are the boughs wounded?
_________________

[[ANNA]]

G'day lavender,
I too like your images. In the first 3 stanzas I thought you were writing as the Old Oak, but S4 makes external references to the oak, so I guess I was wrong.

my comments are as follows;

S1
I couldn't connect L1 and L2 to L3 still long to the starry sky.

S2
I like as it is.

S3
Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters--
once there is a phenix in a flame, <~~ I don't get the use of once in this line. Unless you mean that dreams have told the story-hunters only once, in which case I would put it at the previous line end, otherwise delete.
________________
Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters once--
there is a phenix in a flame,
yearning to be reborn.

or

Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters--
there is a phenix in a flame,
yearning to be reborn.

S4
only an old oak tree hearkens it in quiesce, <~~ on first read harkens seemed out of place with the rest of the poem, but now that I am commenting, the Old English feel of the word suits the Old Oak which probably had its formative years in that time frame. quiesce on the other hand is, for me, to obscure. (though now that I have tracked it down in a dictionary I see it means, "silent, like a letter", so that to suits an old oak.) Guess I have no complaints about this line after all! LOL
and drooping wounded boughs. <~~ why are the boughs wounded?
_________________

[星子]

This is a gentle poem with some lovely images. I have made a couple of comments in the text. Hope they will be of help.

I wish to break into pieces,
even in ashes,
still long to the starry sky.
I'm confused with l3 here, but I enjoyed the beginning lines.

I wish to unlock wings
of my heart,
let them soar above clouds.

Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters--
once there is a phenix in a flame,
yearning to be reborn.
I love the emotional constraint shown in these lines. This my favorite multi-sensory image , great job of showing.

But on the rainy night in the forest,
only an old oak tree hearkens it in quiesce,
replies with its eroded smile
and drooping wounded boughs.


I thought the title particularly weak, not enough to have stood on its own with out the narrator drawing that conclusion for us, as is done in this poems ending. In poetry subtle suggestion is almost always as more impact then blatant leading, because it allows the reader to arrive at a conclusion from what they experienced via the poem. Great ending, well crafted work! (Hope I made sense so early this morning!)

Michael
_________________

[[ANNA]]

This is a gentle poem with some lovely images. I have made a couple of comments in the text. Hope they will be of help.

I wish to break into pieces,
even in ashes,
still long to the starry sky.
I'm confused with l3 here, but I enjoyed the beginning lines.

I wish to unlock wings
of my heart,
let them soar above clouds.

Those murmurs like vows from dreams
have told all the story-hunters--
once there is a phenix in a flame,
yearning to be reborn.
I love the emotional constraint shown in these lines. This my favorite multi-sensory image , great job of showing.

But on the rainy night in the forest,
only an old oak tree hearkens it in quiesce,
replies with its eroded smile
and drooping wounded boughs.


I thought the title particularly weak, not enough to have stood on its own with out the narrator drawing that conclusion for us, as is done in this poems ending. In poetry subtle suggestion is almost always as more impact then blatant leading, because it allows the reader to arrive at a conclusion from what they experienced via the poem. Great ending, well crafted work! (Hope I made sense so early this morning!)

Michael
_________________

[星子]

hi a-

nice to read more of your work. i told myself i wouldn't play with any poems today, but i was itching to toy with this one:

i loved the contrast btwn the Phoenix and the wounded old tree. the Phoenix represented someone who was hurt, dying, and yet burned for life. the oak was wounded, but hung lifelessly, for death to overtake it.

very well done!

just an edit for your consideration:

rgrds-
ryn
_________________

[[ANNA]]

hi a-

nice to read more of your work. i told myself i wouldn't play with any poems today, but i was itching to toy with this one:

i loved the contrast btwn the Phoenix and the wounded old tree. the Phoenix represented someone who was hurt, dying, and yet burned for life. the oak was wounded, but hung lifelessly, for death to overtake it.

very well done!

just an edit for your consideration:

rgrds-
ryn
_________________

[LavenderSwing]

Here post the beautiful link of Nochipa

http://www.printroom.com/ViewAlbum.asp?userid=nochip&album_id=175377

[[我还没有昵称]]

Here post the beautiful link of Nochipa

http://www.printroom.com/ViewAlbum.asp?userid=nochip&album_id=175377

[白水]

I LIKE IT

[[FFFFFF]]

I LIKE IT

[灰眼睛的灰衍]

闪耀了我的眼睛，夺目啊
_________________
孤掌难鸣

[[灰衍]]

闪耀了我的眼睛，夺目啊
_________________
孤掌难鸣