酷我-北美枫

[anna]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaWe see

aaaaaaaWe saw

aaaaaaaaaaaaa The present

aaaaaaaThe past

aaaaaaaaaaaaa Our eyes

aaaaaaaOur tongues

aaaaaaaaaaaaa The ice

aaaaaaaThe fire
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaWe see

aaaaaaaWe saw

aaaaaaaaaaaaa The present

aaaaaaaThe past

aaaaaaaaaaaaa Our eyes

aaaaaaaOur tongues

aaaaaaaaaaaaa The ice

aaaaaaaThe fire
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

I think there's too many "the's". Why not either lose all the "the's" as well as modifiers, or alternatively substitute the "the's" with suitable modifiers as well, so that each line comprised two words. Sound could also be very important in a piece like this, and if all the "pairs" had a ring to them like "ice/fire", it would also cement their association. The shorter the poem, the more important individual word selection becomes and it's possible to spend far longer working on a very short poem than a narrative.

I hope this helps a bit.

Chris
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

I think there's too many "the's". Why not either lose all the "the's" as well as modifiers, or alternatively substitute the "the's" with suitable modifiers as well, so that each line comprised two words. Sound could also be very important in a piece like this, and if all the "pairs" had a ring to them like "ice/fire", it would also cement their association. The shorter the poem, the more important individual word selection becomes and it's possible to spend far longer working on a very short poem than a narrative.

I hope this helps a bit.

Chris
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

Anna, to be honest this one still isn't working very well or me. You know, I like your stuff a lot, because of the unusual way you use imagery. It's become the hallmark by which I recognize your work, but here everything's very abstract, and your revision hasn't really made the poem more visual. My advice would be to perhaps think again about exactly what message you want to express by juxtaposing the present with the past, then take a very specific image (microscopic detailed view) and develop it thematically, with contrasts, etc. (this is something you normally do very well). I'm not sure whether I'm expressing myself too well here, but if you're uncertain about what I'm getting at, please don't hesitate to send me a yuko private message, and I'll try and help put your idea together.

Kind regards,

Chris
Last Edited By: Chris Greene 04/07/10 10:09:59. Edited 1 times.
SJane30 #6 [-]

Posts: 691
(04/07/10 08:59:54)
ReplyQuoteMore
My Recent PostsMessage MeBlockingIgnore User's Posts This appealed to me. I like the structure and contrasts and brevity. The end is a surprise - the ice/fire pair may have been done, but it's interesting how they're separately tied here to the present and past.
Very appealing.
thanks, sarah
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Anna, to be honest this one still isn't working very well or me. You know, I like your stuff a lot, because of the unusual way you use imagery. It's become the hallmark by which I recognize your work, but here everything's very abstract, and your revision hasn't really made the poem more visual. My advice would be to perhaps think again about exactly what message you want to express by juxtaposing the present with the past, then take a very specific image (microscopic detailed view) and develop it thematically, with contrasts, etc. (this is something you normally do very well). I'm not sure whether I'm expressing myself too well here, but if you're uncertain about what I'm getting at, please don't hesitate to send me a yuko private message, and I'll try and help put your idea together.

Kind regards,

Chris
Last Edited By: Chris Greene 04/07/10 10:09:59. Edited 1 times.
SJane30 #6 [-]

Posts: 691
(04/07/10 08:59:54)
ReplyQuoteMore
My Recent PostsMessage MeBlockingIgnore User's Posts This appealed to me. I like the structure and contrasts and brevity. The end is a surprise - the ice/fire pair may have been done, but it's interesting how they're separately tied here to the present and past.
Very appealing.
thanks, sarah
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

When I wrote the poem, I thought of the seesaw the action. So I make the zigzag structure. I thought of "See Saw", two tenses. So I made the Present, the Past.

Our eyes/the ice... state for now (and the sound the same, the coldness the same)

Our tongues/the fire... the state in the past (the passion the same, or the frightful the same) like the fight
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

When I wrote the poem, I thought of the seesaw the action. So I make the zigzag structure. I thought of "See Saw", two tenses. So I made the Present, the Past.

Our eyes/the ice... state for now (and the sound the same, the coldness the same)

Our tongues/the fire... the state in the past (the passion the same, or the frightful the same) like the fight
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

做成了动画。可惜暂时只是图片。。。下回录制一下。

http://anna.88just.com/seesaw.php
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

做成了动画。可惜暂时只是图片。。。下回录制一下。

http://anna.88just.com/seesaw.php
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[非马]

An interesting piece.

[[FFFFFF]]

An interesting piece.

[星子]

Thanks 非马.
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Thanks 非马.
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