酷我-北美枫

[anna]

[[星子安娜]]

[anna]

批评都接受。。。打回再重写！


Anna,

This is different. I'll offer some suggestions
for you to use or not. I like the metaphor
very much. But I feel it could be more
detailed, pardon the pun. What I mean
is I think you missed a golden opportunity
here for this metaphor.

like for example, you could say:

her chassis moved like my hips once did,
her radiator steamed the way my first
kiss,
you get the idea.


I'd begin here:

A man walks in,
glimpses the touch-up process.
Aged and not worthy,
he leaves

and forget the beauty shop and the bees, cocoons or at least go with beehive or butterflies. I'm not getting any of that.

Some suggestions for you. The opening
didn't make me think of a car.

Scraped by hidden knives,
scars mark dark silence.
(this makes me think more of surgery?)
I'd begin here since we assume
the technician is working on the car.

A man walks in,
glimpses the touch-up process.
Aged and not worthy,
he leaves [without a second thought.]

(impossible to know what he is thinking)
This following stanza, I don't understand:
Laid down myself in a beauty salon,
I watch my face lifting up 
and beneath my skin, plastic filled.
Within a cocoon, I dream
for the outfit of being a dazzling rose
with bees fumbling around.
Outside, a hot season, 
warm waves rush.
Men come and go,

(now I'm with Prufrock, and Michaelangelo)

riding a try-out driving.
Dark falls,
without new owner to claim,
my car grows cold and colder.
(don't get how the car can become cold)

I listen to her sigh--(this doesn't work, because it sounds so literal) 
where is home
that cares for our inside?
(for "the" inside)
but the ending is weak.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

批评都接受。。。打回再重写！


Anna,

This is different. I'll offer some suggestions
for you to use or not. I like the metaphor
very much. But I feel it could be more
detailed, pardon the pun. What I mean
is I think you missed a golden opportunity
here for this metaphor.

like for example, you could say:

her chassis moved like my hips once did,
her radiator steamed the way my first
kiss,
you get the idea.


I'd begin here:

A man walks in,
glimpses the touch-up process.
Aged and not worthy,
he leaves

and forget the beauty shop and the bees, cocoons or at least go with beehive or butterflies. I'm not getting any of that.

Some suggestions for you. The opening
didn't make me think of a car.

Scraped by hidden knives,
scars mark dark silence.
(this makes me think more of surgery?)
I'd begin here since we assume
the technician is working on the car.

A man walks in,
glimpses the touch-up process.
Aged and not worthy,
he leaves [without a second thought.]

(impossible to know what he is thinking)
This following stanza, I don't understand:
Laid down myself in a beauty salon,
I watch my face lifting up 
and beneath my skin, plastic filled.
Within a cocoon, I dream
for the outfit of being a dazzling rose
with bees fumbling around.
Outside, a hot season, 
warm waves rush.
Men come and go,

(now I'm with Prufrock, and Michaelangelo)

riding a try-out driving.
Dark falls,
without new owner to claim,
my car grows cold and colder.
(don't get how the car can become cold)

I listen to her sigh--(this doesn't work, because it sounds so literal) 
where is home
that cares for our inside?
(for "the" inside)
but the ending is weak.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

From Penshell

I appreciate the personification of metalized skin relating to a feminine experience and think if only we could change flesh and blood models like we change cars. So you say your car has hot flashes but still worth to be ridden... smile! Ok, it needs a bit of finessing here & there.

Here're a bit of a suggestion to start you going...


Scraped by furtive knives
open scars brand her silence.

Laid up in the auto shop,
a mechanic smooths her silvered skin.
She'll shine soon as she did when young,
ready for sale.


Russ
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

From Penshell

I appreciate the personification of metalized skin relating to a feminine experience and think if only we could change flesh and blood models like we change cars. So you say your car has hot flashes but still worth to be ridden... smile! Ok, it needs a bit of finessing here & there.

Here're a bit of a suggestion to start you going...


Scraped by furtive knives
open scars brand her silence.

Laid up in the auto shop,
a mechanic smooths her silvered skin.
She'll shine soon as she did when young,
ready for sale.


Russ
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

[[星子安娜]]

[anna]

[[星子安娜]]