酷我-北美枫

[anna]

Still, two huge holes
surrounded by wood fence

Countless people stop,
heads bowed, fingers crossing.

Inside, permanent monuments printed;
outside, names on names recalled.

Still, they lie
without response.
Unsettled, we cross the path
move on.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Still, two huge holes
surrounded by wood fence

Countless people stop,
heads bowed, fingers crossing.

Inside, permanent monuments printed;
outside, names on names recalled.

Still, they lie
without response.
Unsettled, we cross the path
move on.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

appleAnna,

Happy New Year!

Below, a workshop take on your draft here for your perusal & consideration:

Still Life: Visitation

Countless people stop by still
heads bowed, fingers crossing.

Permanent monuments inside printed;
outside, names upon names are recalled.

Still, they lie without response.
Unsettled, we cross the path
and move on.

Still two huge holes gape
surrounded by wood fence:

open graves
still no sense
of closure


Michael (MV) http://amaze-cinquain.com/vol_1_no_2/virga.html





Top

appleAnna Post subject: Re: Visiting Groud Zero (just back from New York)Posted: Fri Jan 01, 2010 5:49 am



Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:47 pm
Posts: 76 Hi Michael,

Thank you very much.

I like your suggestions, great!.

Happy New year!

Anna





Top

mojave Post subject: Re: Visiting Groud Zero (just back from New York)Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 12:30 am



Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2005 9:49 pm
Posts: 116
Location: Mojave Desert Anna---

very good poem.

clear and yet lyrical. plenty left to the imagination of the reader.

the subject here could easily have become sentimental and the poem ineffective, but using both clarity and restraint, the poem achieves a haunting alllure despite the sadness and familiarity the reader has of the subject.

outstanding job.


mojave





Top

Christopher T George Post subject: Re: Visiting Ground Zero (just back from New York)Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 12:22 pm


Site Admin

Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2005 1:57 pm
Posts: 85 Hello Anna

Happy New Year to you. A powerful and evocative poem, unsettling as you say in the last stanza.

I think the poem could be tightened up some. The second "Still" in stanza 2 could be understood. No comma needed after "Still". Below is a suggested remake with the tightening I am suggesting.

Note you have a typo in the title... should be "Ground" not "Groud" which points out why we should always put the title in the window with the poem so it can be read and critiqued as well.

Good luck with this poem, Anna.

All the best

Chris

**********

Visiting Ground Zero

Still two huge holes
surrounded by wood fence.

Countless people stop by,
heads bowed, fingers crossed.

Inside: permanent monuments printed;
outside: names on names recalled.

Still they lie without response.
Unsettled, we cross the path,
move on.

_________________
--------------------

--------------------
Christopher T George
Baltimore, Maryland, USA
Editor, Loch Raven Review
http://www.lochravenreview.net
http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com




Top

appleAnna Post subject: Re: Visiting Groud Zero (just back from New York)Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 2:54 pm



Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:47 pm
Posts: 76 Hi Bernie,

Thank you very much for reading and sharing your thoughts.

Happy New Year!


Anna





Top

appleAnna Post subject: Re: Visiting Groud Zero (just back from New York)Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 2:56 pm



Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:47 pm
Posts: 76 Hi Chris,

Happy New Year!

I am glad to receive all the wonderful suggestions from you all. Great and neat.

Thanks a lot.


Anna
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

appleAnna,

Happy New Year!

Below, a workshop take on your draft here for your perusal & consideration:

Still Life: Visitation

Countless people stop by still
heads bowed, fingers crossing.

Permanent monuments inside printed;
outside, names upon names are recalled.

Still, they lie without response.
Unsettled, we cross the path
and move on.

Still two huge holes gape
surrounded by wood fence:

open graves
still no sense
of closure


Michael (MV) http://amaze-cinquain.com/vol_1_no_2/virga.html





Top

appleAnna Post subject: Re: Visiting Groud Zero (just back from New York)Posted: Fri Jan 01, 2010 5:49 am



Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:47 pm
Posts: 76 Hi Michael,

Thank you very much.

I like your suggestions, great!.

Happy New year!

Anna





Top

mojave Post subject: Re: Visiting Groud Zero (just back from New York)Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 12:30 am



Joined: Tue Jun 14, 2005 9:49 pm
Posts: 116
Location: Mojave Desert Anna---

very good poem.

clear and yet lyrical. plenty left to the imagination of the reader.

the subject here could easily have become sentimental and the poem ineffective, but using both clarity and restraint, the poem achieves a haunting alllure despite the sadness and familiarity the reader has of the subject.

outstanding job.


mojave





Top

Christopher T George Post subject: Re: Visiting Ground Zero (just back from New York)Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 12:22 pm


Site Admin

Joined: Mon Apr 18, 2005 1:57 pm
Posts: 85 Hello Anna

Happy New Year to you. A powerful and evocative poem, unsettling as you say in the last stanza.

I think the poem could be tightened up some. The second "Still" in stanza 2 could be understood. No comma needed after "Still". Below is a suggested remake with the tightening I am suggesting.

Note you have a typo in the title... should be "Ground" not "Groud" which points out why we should always put the title in the window with the poem so it can be read and critiqued as well.

Good luck with this poem, Anna.

All the best

Chris

**********

Visiting Ground Zero

Still two huge holes
surrounded by wood fence.

Countless people stop by,
heads bowed, fingers crossed.

Inside: permanent monuments printed;
outside: names on names recalled.

Still they lie without response.
Unsettled, we cross the path,
move on.

_________________
--------------------

--------------------
Christopher T George
Baltimore, Maryland, USA
Editor, Loch Raven Review
http://www.lochravenreview.net
http://christophertgeorge.blogspot.com




Top

appleAnna Post subject: Re: Visiting Groud Zero (just back from New York)Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 2:54 pm



Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:47 pm
Posts: 76 Hi Bernie,

Thank you very much for reading and sharing your thoughts.

Happy New Year!


Anna





Top

appleAnna Post subject: Re: Visiting Groud Zero (just back from New York)Posted: Sat Jan 02, 2010 2:56 pm



Joined: Wed Apr 29, 2009 9:47 pm
Posts: 76 Hi Chris,

Happy New Year!

I am glad to receive all the wonderful suggestions from you all. Great and neat.

Thanks a lot.


Anna
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com