酷我-北美枫

[星子]

If my eyes were sweet lakes,
I would let you slip in.
yet they are salty oceans,
with my heart sunken to the bottem.

You belong to the upstream
where flowers bloom along both banks
and birds mirror your swimming.

And I, trapped within thin air,
recall a recurring dream:
among the flaming corals,
he waves; but never
have I caught sight of his face!
_________________

[[ANNA]]

If my eyes were sweet lakes,
I would let you slip in.
yet they are salty oceans,
with my heart sunken to the bottem.

You belong to the upstream
where flowers bloom along both banks
and birds mirror your swimming.

And I, trapped within thin air,
recall a recurring dream:
among the flaming corals,
he waves; but never
have I caught sight of his face!
_________________

[anna]

---Comments from penshell

Anna,

A tender love poem with some very compelling images.

If my eyes are sweet lakes,
I shall let you slip in.
but they are salty oceans,
with (a) [my] heart sunk (to) bott(o)m.

Anna I love the sweet lakes, the slip and the salty ocean but heart is one of those words... still, you have used it in an unusual sense. I wonder if you can say it while making the heart a more solid object?

with a stone anchored to the bottom

but they are salty oceans
with a whale bone lodged in the bottom

just playing but you get the idea...


You belong to the upstream
where flowers bloom along both banks
and birds mirror your swimming. (love this! Maybe choose a specific flower that grows along the banks of a river)

And I, trapped within [the] thin air,
recall a recurring dream:
among the flaming corals,
he waves; but never
have I caught sight of his face!

Mysterious and haunting. Maybe you could expand this a little more. One thing I have learned recently in workshop is that a poem must earn its ending. I think you could have a bit more to lead up to the final line.

Hope anything helpful.

e
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

---Comments from penshell

Anna,

A tender love poem with some very compelling images.

If my eyes are sweet lakes,
I shall let you slip in.
but they are salty oceans,
with (a) [my] heart sunk (to) bott(o)m.

Anna I love the sweet lakes, the slip and the salty ocean but heart is one of those words... still, you have used it in an unusual sense. I wonder if you can say it while making the heart a more solid object?

with a stone anchored to the bottom

but they are salty oceans
with a whale bone lodged in the bottom

just playing but you get the idea...


You belong to the upstream
where flowers bloom along both banks
and birds mirror your swimming. (love this! Maybe choose a specific flower that grows along the banks of a river)

And I, trapped within [the] thin air,
recall a recurring dream:
among the flaming corals,
he waves; but never
have I caught sight of his face!

Mysterious and haunting. Maybe you could expand this a little more. One thing I have learned recently in workshop is that a poem must earn its ending. I think you could have a bit more to lead up to the final line.

Hope anything helpful.

e
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

revised...


If my eyes are sweet lakes,
I shall let you slip in.
but they are salty oceans,
storms start to loom.

You belong to the upstream
where daffodils bow their blossoms,
and birds mirror your swimming.

And I, trapped within thin air,
recall a recurring dream:
among the flaming corals,
he waves; but never
have I caught sight of his face!
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

revised...


If my eyes are sweet lakes,
I shall let you slip in.
but they are salty oceans,
storms start to loom.

You belong to the upstream
where daffodils bow their blossoms,
and birds mirror your swimming.

And I, trapped within thin air,
recall a recurring dream:
among the flaming corals,
he waves; but never
have I caught sight of his face!
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com