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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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 发表于: 星期五 一月 09, 2009 6:00 pm 发表主题: The L Word? (Two Versions) |
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Reading, Writing: Life on the Page
The L Word?
Version I:
Deep down,
inside my heart.
Every cell cries --
out loud.
Yet you hear --
nothing.
Version II: (Tanka)
I listen
to my muted heart --
every cell
pulses, cries aloud
yet you hear nothing
Note:
The L Word? is inspired by Rodney L. Eisenbrandts' Loneliness and written for people silenced in agony.
Below are the opening and closing stanzas of Loneliness by Rodney L. Eisenbrandt:
We sleep half of our life away,
the other half were lonely most of the time.
......
We have to face it
we are alone,
but for that one person
that is willing to share
some social time with us,
when they have the time.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期三 二月 11, 2009 8:14 am, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
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浴恩福[浴恩福]
浴恩福作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-05-08
帖子: 123
来自: 多倫多
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| 发表于: 星期六 一月 10, 2009 4:32 pm 发表主题: Re: The L Word? |
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| ericcoliu 写到: |
The L Word?
Deep down,
inside my heart.
Every cell cries --
out loud.
Yet you can hear --
nothing.
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You say the unsayable out loud in the poem.
Unbearable lightness of being lonely.
_________________
報三恩、耕三大福田 |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期日 一月 11, 2009 5:32 pm 发表主题: Re: The L Word? |
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| 浴恩福 写到: |
You say the unsayable out loud in the poem.
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I think a poet's work is to say the unsayable, to name the unnameable, and to articulate the unspeakable.
| 浴恩福 写到: |
Unbearable lightness of being lonely. |
Unbearable heaviness of being lonely as well.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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| 发表于: 星期一 一月 12, 2009 2:04 pm 发表主题: Re: The L Word? |
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| ericcoliu 写到: |
The L Word?
Deep down,
inside my heart.
Every cell cries --
out loud.
Yet you can hear --
nothing.
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Your use of "--" is very impressive. I would say it's Dickinsonian.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期二 一月 13, 2009 8:18 am 发表主题: Re: The L Word? |
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| 川生 写到: |
Your use of "--" is very impressive. I would say it's Dickinsonian. |
Thanks for your discerning eye and kind words.
For any poet or anyone who aspires to be a good poet, I think the use of punctuation is not only functionally instrumental but also aesthetically expressive. Dickinson's poetry sets good examples for aspiring poets.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 一月 15, 2009 4:39 pm 发表主题: Re: The L Word? |
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| ericcoliu 写到: |
The L Word?
Deep down,
inside my heart.
Every cell cries --
out loud.
Yet you can hear --
nothing.
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might be
Yet you hear --
The title of your poem is similar to that of HBO's TV miniseries -- The L Word.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期五 一月 16, 2009 11:26 pm 发表主题: Re: The L Word? |
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| robarts 写到: |
might be
Yet you hear --
The title of your poem is similar to that of HBO's TV miniseries -- The L Word. |
Yes, thanks for your helpful suggestion.
I've revised my poem accordingly.
Don't you think "?" after The L Word stimulates the reader to watch this series from a different perspective?
Do you hear anything?
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期三 二月 11, 2009 8:13 am 发表主题: |
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Here is my re-write in the form of tanka:
I listen
to my muted heart --
every cell
pulses, cries aloud
yet you hear nothing
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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