酷我-北美枫

星子 · 酷我！I made it！ 注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto

Greetings and mails stop coming,
on the tops of mountains,
snow starts to melt.
We begin our warm journey
to the south,
hope to relax in a corner
under the extending sunrays.

Characters from the parade
pass by one after another,
they are eager to present each happy end.
My memory lingers
with their re-writing tones.

It is near the last season,
we wait for the curtain to close.
watching all leaves fall to the roots,
we receive them as silent delayed greetings.
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Lake · 发表于: 星期二一月 06, 2009 11:53 pm 发表主题:

星子,

One thing I like about your poems is that you write what you do, what you see. But I do have a few points to make if you don't mind.

snow start to melt. - starts

pass by one after another, - I prefer one by one

they eagerly present each happy end. - or "eager to present their happy ends".

It is near the last season of the year, - near the last season? What time of the year was it when you went there?

Just a few things for you to ponder. Feel free to reject any that doesn't fit your poem.

Lake

星子 · 发表于: 星期三一月 07, 2009 8:18 pm 发表主题:

Hi Lake,

Good points.

Thanks.

Anna
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Lake · 发表于: 星期三一月 07, 2009 8:50 pm 发表主题:

星子,

It is near the last season of the year

Are you trying to say, it's near the end of the year? If you went there in Dec.?

they are eager to present each happy end

I think "they are" can be omitted since the phrase "eager to present" is used to describe "Characters". What do you think?

Lake

星子 · 发表于: 星期三一月 07, 2009 9:07 pm 发表主题:

Hi Lake.

Yes. We went there in Dec.

But I want to use " Last season" for other meanings too. That is why I bring up topic about "leaves fall..."

I like to write something between truth and fiction. So it may serve as writing practice and personal diary.
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