酷我-北美枫

[连南河]

Life and Death

(To woman who died of a labour in hospital)

The sad wind with snow
Came to Grace Hospital
Freezing rain and cold ice didn't know
She raised her soul around city capital
A silent night with her I saw the tree shadow
Season's buds were waiting for changing different title
A light in the room with lonely window
A baby was crying to call her parent
Sufferers were physical and mental

Tue. Dec. 2, 2008 8:00 to 8:40pm

Rewrite one here

A Baby Is Crying To Call

(To woman who died of a labour)

The sad wind
With snow
Came to a Scarborough hospital

With freezing rain
And cold ice I have known
A soul has been raised
Around a city capital

A silent night
Around a tree shadow
A light with a lonely window

A baby is crying to call
Her parent

Sun. Dec. 21, 2008

七绝 生与死

——哀陈秀兰

悲风带雪到慈恩，
冻雨寒冰不解魂。
树影飘零窗夜静，
孤灯苦女叫双亲。

2:30 to 3:30am, Dec. 2 2008 Toronto

[[FAFAFA]]

Life and Death

(To woman who died of a labour in hospital)

The sad wind with snow
Came to Grace Hospital
Freezing rain and cold ice didn't know
She raised her soul around city capital
A silent night with her I saw the tree shadow
Season's buds were waiting for changing different title
A light in the room with lonely window
A baby was crying to call her parent
Sufferers were physical and mental

Tue. Dec. 2, 2008 8:00 to 8:40pm

Rewrite one here

A Baby Is Crying To Call

(To woman who died of a labour)

The sad wind
With snow
Came to a Scarborough hospital

With freezing rain
And cold ice I have known
A soul has been raised
Around a city capital

A silent night
Around a tree shadow
A light with a lonely window

A baby is crying to call
Her parent

Sun. Dec. 21, 2008

七绝 生与死

——哀陈秀兰

悲风带雪到慈恩，
冻雨寒冰不解魂。
树影飘零窗夜静，
孤灯苦女叫双亲。

2:30 to 3:30am, Dec. 2 2008 Toronto

[Lake]

连南河,

With my condolence.

很伤情的诗，所以对英文诗比较难提意见。 就提两点，仅供参考。

题目"Live & Die ", 是否 "Life and Death" 会好些？
‘tiltal ' 是什么？查了半天没查到。
英译诗过于注重押韵，而且是两个韵从头压倒尾，我想这种情况英诗中也少见，因此影响了达意。
最后一句还要再看看。

祝好，

Lake

[[Lake]]

连南河,

With my condolence.

很伤情的诗，所以对英文诗比较难提意见。 就提两点，仅供参考。

题目"Live & Die ", 是否 "Life and Death" 会好些？
‘tiltal ' 是什么？查了半天没查到。
英译诗过于注重押韵，而且是两个韵从头压倒尾，我想这种情况英诗中也少见，因此影响了达意。
最后一句还要再看看。

祝好，

Lake

[连南河]

Lake,

I'm so sad to hear
Two womem died while in labour
Within six months
In a same hospital

May 18, 2008
Ms. Pan Min Hong died of a labour

Nov. 17, 2008
Ms. Chen Xiu Lan died of a labour

Who is next?
(black woman or white woman?)

I think hospital
Needs to check problem quickly
And gives an answer
To all people in Canada

很伤情的一件事
近日来发生在华人社区

诗的感觉
源于OMNI NEWS国语新闻
记者拍摄的生离死别的
电视画面

一个刚出生的婴儿
扒在母亲的胸脯上
寻找妈妈的奶头
而妈妈的奶源已是断了

我看到母亲
那没有完全合拢的眼睛
(她能闭上她的眼睛妈!?)

半年之内
两个产妇
死在同一个医院
院方必须有一个答案
让全加拿大人知道
这是为什么
(两个死去的华妇
如果是同一个医生或护士所为
就更为恐怖)

我们谈论西方民主和人权
在这家医院的背后
是否也让两个死去的华人妇女
找到一个小小的漏洞呢

为死者悲泣
为生者悲哀

Dec. 14, 2008

[[FAFAFA]]

Lake,

I'm so sad to hear
Two womem died while in labour
Within six months
In a same hospital

May 18, 2008
Ms. Pan Min Hong died of a labour

Nov. 17, 2008
Ms. Chen Xiu Lan died of a labour

Who is next?
(black woman or white woman?)

I think hospital
Needs to check problem quickly
And gives an answer
To all people in Canada

很伤情的一件事
近日来发生在华人社区

诗的感觉
源于OMNI NEWS国语新闻
记者拍摄的生离死别的
电视画面

一个刚出生的婴儿
扒在母亲的胸脯上
寻找妈妈的奶头
而妈妈的奶源已是断了

我看到母亲
那没有完全合拢的眼睛
(她能闭上她的眼睛妈!?)

半年之内
两个产妇
死在同一个医院
院方必须有一个答案
让全加拿大人知道
这是为什么
(两个死去的华妇
如果是同一个医生或护士所为
就更为恐怖)

我们谈论西方民主和人权
在这家医院的背后
是否也让两个死去的华人妇女
找到一个小小的漏洞呢

为死者悲泣
为生者悲哀

Dec. 14, 2008

[ericcoliu]

Hi! 连南河:

Your Chinese poem is well written and objectifies agony and emotion by finding a metaphorical equivalent in nature while the English translation is fraught with grammatical errors, the most serious among which is verb tense inconsistency. I think you might need to look over your piece.


Thank you for posting your poem, which put me in mind of this tragedy.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[[ericcoliu]]

Hi! 连南河:

Your Chinese poem is well written and objectifies agony and emotion by finding a metaphorical equivalent in nature while the English translation is fraught with grammatical errors, the most serious among which is verb tense inconsistency. I think you might need to look over your piece.


Thank you for posting your poem, which put me in mind of this tragedy.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[Lake]

连南河,

觉得你在回贴中的英文读来就比你主贴中的英诗顺畅得多。

Lake

[[Lake]]

连南河,

觉得你在回贴中的英文读来就比你主贴中的英诗顺畅得多。

Lake

[连南河]

Thanks ericcoliu
The poem have been rewritten here

A Baby Is Crying To Call

(To woman who died of a labour)

The sad wind
With snow
Came to a Scarborough hospital

With freezing rain
And cold ice I have known
A soul has been raised
Around a city capital

A silent night
Around a tree shadow
A light with a lonely window

A baby is crying to call
Her parent

[[FFFFFF]]

Thanks ericcoliu
The poem have been rewritten here

A Baby Is Crying To Call

(To woman who died of a labour)

The sad wind
With snow
Came to a Scarborough hospital

With freezing rain
And cold ice I have known
A soul has been raised
Around a city capital

A silent night
Around a tree shadow
A light with a lonely window

A baby is crying to call
Her parent

[连南河]

Thanks Lake

你觉得回复中的英文比原译文好
也许是这里的思想完全脱离中文束缚的缘故

[[FAFAFA]]

Thanks Lake

你觉得回复中的英文比原译文好
也许是这里的思想完全脱离中文束缚的缘故