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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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 发表于: 星期五 十二月 05, 2008 10:54 am 发表主题: Winter Haiku Sequence (2nd draft) |
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Winter Haiku Sequence
I
snow falls quietly
on my hands and face
a warm flow floods my heart
II
when I look closely
through the thawing snow -
a faded flower
Note:
1 I am a beginner haiku writer. Any comments and criticism would be much appreciated.
2 I may keep adding more haiku to the sequence.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions.
最后进行编辑的是 川生 on 星期一 十二月 08, 2008 1:29 pm, 总计第 3 次编辑 |
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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| 发表于: 星期五 十二月 05, 2008 3:08 pm 发表主题: Re: Winter Haiku Sequence |
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| 川生 写到: |
Winter Haiku Sequence
I
the snow falls quietly
upon my hands and my face
the warmth emerges from my heart
|
I'm not sure that you need the definite article thought is grammatically correct.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期五 十二月 05, 2008 8:44 pm 发表主题: Re: Winter Haiku Sequence |
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| 川生 写到: | Winter Haiku Sequence
I
the snow falls quietly
upon my hands and my face
the warmth emerges from my heart
II
when I look closely
beneath the thawing snowbank
there lies a faded flower
Note:
1 I am a beginner haiku writer. Any comments and criticism would be much appreciated.
2 I may keep adding more haiku to the sequence. |
Hi 川生,
I think there are too many syllables here, especially in verse 1, where three can be easily removed as they are highlighted. Will this work?
snow falls quietly
on my hands and face
a warm flow floods my heart
or
snow falls quietly
on my hands and face
a warm glow in my heart
For your second one, I'm tempted to put it like this:
through the thawing snow -
a budding flower
I know this is not what you meant, just play around it. Do feel free to bin it.
Cheers, |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期五 十二月 05, 2008 9:37 pm 发表主题: Re: Winter Haiku Sequence |
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| Lake 写到: |
For your second one, I'm tempted to put it like this:
through the thawing snow -
a budding flower
I know this is not what you meant, just play around it. Do feel free to bin it.
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Lake,
Spring has not yet come!
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
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| 发表于: 星期六 十二月 06, 2008 1:43 pm 发表主题: Re: Winter Haiku Sequence |
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| Lake 写到: |
I think there are too many syllables here, especially in verse 1, where three can be easily removed as they are highlighted. Will this work?
snow falls quietly
on my hands and face
a warm flow floods my heart
|
I like this revision best.
| ericcoliu 写到: |
Lake,
Spring has not yet come! |
I concur! |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期六 十二月 06, 2008 9:09 pm 发表主题: Re: Winter Haiku Sequence |
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| christine 写到: | | Lake 写到: |
I think there are too many syllables here, especially in verse 1, where three can be easily removed as they are highlighted. Will this work?
snow falls quietly
on my hands and face
a warm flow floods my heart
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I like this revision best. |
Thanks christine for liking it.
| ericcoliu 写到: |
Lake,
Spring has not yet come! |
"If Winter comes, can Spring be far behind?"
It is the word 'thawing' that brought out 'a budding flower'. Or what else can it mean? As I said this is only another person's opinion for you to take or toss, as you see fit. |
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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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| 发表于: 星期一 十二月 08, 2008 1:30 pm 发表主题: Re: Winter Haiku Sequence |
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Thank Champagne, Christine, Ericcoliu, and Lake for your helpful comments.
| Lake 写到: |
Hi 川生,
I think there are too many syllables here, especially in verse 1, where three can be easily removed as they are highlighted. Will this work?
snow falls quietly
on my hands and face
a warm flow floods my heart
or
snow falls quietly
on my hands and face
a warm glow in my heart
For your second one, I'm tempted to put it like this:
through the thawing snow -
a budding flower
|
Hi!, Lake:
Thank you so much for helping me improve my haiku writing.
I've made some revisions to my haiku accordingly.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期二 十二月 09, 2008 4:37 pm 发表主题: |
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I like your revision.
Below is my winter haiku
passing by each other,
then disappearing --
footprints in the snow.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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连南河[FAFAFA]
连南河作品集
三品按察使
（天，你是斑竹吧？）
注册时间: 2008-01-14
帖子: 861
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| 发表于: 星期日 十二月 14, 2008 11:59 am 发表主题: |
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ericcoliu 写到:
I like your revision.
Below is my winter haiku
passing by each other,
then disappearing --
footprints in the snow.
I like Haiku too
like chinese 'Jue' (绝句)or 'Lu'(律诗) or 'Ci'(词) |
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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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| 发表于: 星期四 十二月 18, 2008 5:47 pm 发表主题: |
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| ericcoliu 写到: |
I like your revision.
Below is my winter haiku
passing by each other,
then disappearing --
footprints in the snow. |
I like your haiku, in which there is a sadnees at the end of the poem.
_________________
Lines go off in all directions. |
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