| 阅读上一个主题 :: 阅读下一个主题 |
| 作者 |
留言 |
Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
|
 发表于: 星期三 十月 29, 2008 9:26 pm 发表主题: On the beach |
 |
|
On the beach
Son, hold the streamer
tight and high
and listen to the tides
that fall and rise.
Beyond your reach,
the ancestors
mist blurred, off the beach,
are watching from behind –
the moist breeze
caressing your plump face,
the cobblestones
teasing your bare feet.
All the footprints
surging waves efface;
another step forward
to begin again.
Son, beware of the directions
of capricious winds,
in the years that flow by
like the incessant sea,
until, you’ve grown up, strong,
in an instant.
.
L6 and L7 are switched.
最后进行编辑的是 Lake on 星期六 十一月 01, 2008 8:51 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
 |
christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
|
| 发表于: 星期四 十月 30, 2008 9:28 am 发表主题: Re: On the beach |
|
|
| Lake 写到: |
On the beach
Beyond your reach,
mist blurred, off the beach,
the ancestors
are watching from behind –
. |
Is this correct?
I'm impressed by your "visionary" poem. The misty imagery is evocatively vivid.
A translucent mist blurs the distinction between reality and dream.
However, the title is trivial.
Just a thought. |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
|
| 发表于: 星期四 十月 30, 2008 11:40 am 发表主题: |
|
|
Christine,
Thanks for your comments.
Title - It is not my title, it is a title on a photo that we are required to write a poem on.
mist blurred - both this phrase and 'off the beach' are used to describe the ancestors. Maybe, if I switch the lines a little, it'll make more sense? Something like:
Beyond your reach,
the ancestors
mist blurred, off the beach,
are watching from behind –
Thanks for your input. Much appreciated.
Lake |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
|
| 发表于: 星期四 十月 30, 2008 5:07 pm 发表主题: |
|
|
| Lake 写到: |
mist blurred - both this phrase and 'off the beach' are used to describe the ancestors. Maybe, if I switch the lines a little, it'll make more sense?
Beyond your reach,
the ancestors
mist blurred, off the beach,
are watching from behind –
|
Yes.
| Lake 写到: |
On the beach
Son, hold the streamer
tight and high
and listen to the tides
that fall and rise.
Beyond your reach,
mist blurred, off the beach,
the ancestors
are watching from behind –
the moist breeze
caressing your plump face,
the cobblestones
teasing your bare feet.
All the footprints
surging waves efface;
another step forward
to begin again.
Son, beware of the directions
of capricious winds,
in the years that flow by
like the incessant sea,
until, you’ve grown up, strong,
in an instant.
|
There's a mystical element in your poem, a visionary quality.
Enjoyed the read.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
clair[clair]
clair作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-03-13
帖子: 83
|
| 发表于: 星期六 十一月 01, 2008 9:49 am 发表主题: |
|
|
| Lake 写到: |
Title - It is not my title, it is a title on a photo that we are required to write a poem on.
|
Who are "we?" Do you mean participants at a different poetry forum?
I think you posted your poem here and could choose a "suitable" title, which would fit the main theme of your poem.
By the way, would you mind posting your photo here, too?
I enjoyed reading your poem with "a visionary quality."
_________________
This dark
Ceiling without a star |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
|
| 发表于: 星期六 十一月 01, 2008 8:57 pm 发表主题: |
|
|
Thanks Eric, glad you enjoyed it.
Ah, clair, I should've said "it is a title on a photo that I wrote a poem on. " I would love to post the photo here if it were mine. Thanks for your thought on the title.
Lake |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
|
| 发表于: 星期日 十一月 02, 2008 9:49 am 发表主题: Re: On the beach |
|
|
| Lake 写到: |
On the beach
Son, hold the streamer
tight and high
and listen to the tides
that fall and rise.
Beyond your reach,
the ancestors
mist blurred, off the beach,
are watching from behind –
the moist breeze
caressing your plump face,
the cobblestones
teasing your bare feet.
All the footprints
surging waves efface;
another step forward
to begin again.
Son, beware of the directions
of capricious winds,
in the years that flow by
like the incessant sea,
until, you’ve grown up, strong,
in an instant.
|
The superimposition of one image into another.
The sea mist blurs all things except words of wisdom from distant past.
Hmm. Interesting. Something mystical to ponder over.
I'm REALLY curious about the photo on which you wrote the poem.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy. |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
|
|
您不能发布新主题
您不能在这个论坛回复主题
您不能在这个论坛编辑自己的帖子
您不能在这个论坛删除自己的帖子
您不能在这个论坛发表投票
|
本论坛欢迎广大文学爱好者不拘一格地发表创作和评论.凡在网站发表的作品，即视为向《北美枫》丛书, 《诗歌榜》和《酷我电子杂志》投稿(暂无稿费, 请谅)。如果您的作品不想编入《北美枫》或《诗歌榜》或《酷我电子杂志》，请在发帖时注明。
作品版权归原作者.文责自负.作品的观点与<酷我-北美枫>网站无关.请勿用于商业,宗教和政治宣传.论坛上严禁人身攻击.管理员有权删除作品.
Powered by phpBB 2.0.8 © 2001, 2002 phpBB Group
phpBB 简体中文界面由 iCy-fLaME 更新翻译 |
常见问题与解答 (FAQ)
搜索
成员列表
成员组
注册
个人资料
登陆查看您的私人留言
登陆
