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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期二 十月 07, 2008 8:19 pm 发表主题: Throbbing Agony (published in Word Catalyst) |
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(Throbbing Agony has been published in the March Issue of Word Catalyst)
Reading and Writing: Life on the Page
Throbbing Agony
Version I:
I am enveloped in pleasure
as grass is wrapped in morning dew.
I am a bard riding a dragon,
flying across time and space.
I can’t tell you where --
as if I appeared where I am now.
Daylight streams into my room.
I must have experienced la petite mort
after Calliope had caressed my secret spots.
Version II:
I must have experienced
la petite mort after Calliope
caressed my secret spots--
enveloped in pleasure
as the grass is wrapped
in dewy green. I am a bard
riding a dragon, flying across time
and space. I can’t tell you where –
as if I appeared where I am now.
Note:
1 La petite mort, the French expression for "the little death", has been generally used to portray the post-orgasmic fainting spells. Now, it is more widely used to refer to the release of energy coming with orgasm or melancholy or ecstasy as a result of the expenditure of the life force. The late French literary critic Roland Barthes viewed "la petite mort" as the first and foremost objective of reading literature, one which one should get when experiencing any great literature.
2 These two lines, “I can’t tell you where -- / as if I appeared where I am now,” are taken from "Winter Privacy Poems at the Shack" collected in Silence in the Snowy Fields by Robert Bly. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期日 三月 01, 2009 8:58 am, 总计第 10 次编辑 |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期三 十月 08, 2008 7:35 am 发表主题: |
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Itchy Agony is a poem I wrote in tribute to Robert Bly's contributions to Contemporary American poetry:
“Freud pointed out that the dream still retained the fantastic freedom of association known to us before only from ancient art. By the end of the nineteenth century both the poem and the dream had been set free… The poets then began to devote their lives to deepening the range of association in the poem… It is this movement that has given such fantastic energy to ‘modern poetry'… In ancient times, in the ‘time of inspiration’, the poet flew from one world to another, ‘riding on dragons’.... They dragged behind them long tails of dragonsmoke.... This dragonsmoke means that a leap has taken place in the poem. In many ancient works of art we notice a long floating leap at the center of a work. That leap can be described as a leap from the conscious to the unconscious and back again, a leap from the known part of the mind to the unknown part and back to the known.”
-- Leaping Poetry: An Idea with Poems and Translations by Robert Bly _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期三 十月 08, 2008 11:54 am 发表主题: |
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Eric,
It sounds very lyrical, different than your normal write.
A couple of small things:
引用: | I am still enveloped in my soaring pleasure |
I think 'still' can be omitted.
引用: | I am like a bard riding on a dragon |
I would remove 'like' - I am a bard riding on a dragon
引用: | excited in flying across time and space |
Again, delete 'in' - excited flying ... I know 'excited in doing sth' is grammatically correct, but just feel that 'in' is in the way.
Also I'm not sure of the title though people may use it that way, but as I read the word 'itchy', I feel like scratching my body.
Not crits, just some thoughts. Take or toss or ignore. |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期三 十月 08, 2008 11:55 am 发表主题: |
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Eric,
It sounds very lyrical, different than your normal write.
A couple of small things:
引用: | I am still enveloped in my soaring pleasure |
I think 'still' can be omitted.
引用: | I am like a bard riding on a dragon |
I would remove 'like' - I am a bard riding on a dragon
引用: | excited in flying across time and space |
Again, delete 'in' - excited flying ... I know 'excited in doing sth' is grammatically correct, but just feel that 'in' is in the way.
Also I'm not sure of the title though people may use it that way, but as I read the word 'itchy', I feel like scratching my body.
Not crits, just some thoughts. Take or toss or ignore.
(sorry, sent it twice. Don't know why there is no delete button for my own post.) |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期四 十月 09, 2008 7:19 am 发表主题: |
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Lake 写到: | Eric,
It sounds very lyrical, different than your normal write.
A couple of small things:
引用: | I am still enveloped in my soaring pleasure |
I think 'still' can be omitted.
引用: | I am like a bard riding on a dragon |
I would remove 'like' - I am a bard riding on a dragon
引用: | excited in flying across time and space |
Again, delete 'in' - excited flying ... I know 'excited in doing sth' is grammatically correct, but just feel that 'in' is in the way.
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Yes, I was trying to do something different.
I've revised my poem and the revision was based on your suggestions.
Furthermore, I posted another version of it.
Thank you so much for your close reading and helpful suggestions.
Lake 写到: |
Also I'm not sure of the title though people may use it that way, but as I read the word 'itchy', I feel like scratching my body.
Not crits, just some thoughts. Take or toss or ignore.
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I've revised the first couplet to give the reader a hint on understanding a word play on "itchy."
Your suggestions and critiques are always welcome and much appreciated. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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dundas[dundas] dundas作品集 五品知州 (再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
注册时间: 2008-02-23 帖子: 214
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发表于: 星期四 十月 09, 2008 12:02 pm 发表主题: |
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Version 2 is more succinct while version 1 is emotionally evocative.
ericcoliu 写到: |
Itchy Agony is a poem I wrote in tribute to Robert Bly's contributions to Contemporary American poetry:
In ancient times, in the ‘time of inspiration’, the poet flew from one world to another, ‘riding on dragons’.... They dragged behind them long tails of dragonsmoke.... This dragonsmoke means that a leap has taken place in the poem. In many ancient works of art we notice a long floating leap at the center of a work. That leap can be described as a leap from the conscious to the unconscious and back again, a leap from the known part of the mind to the unknown part and back to the known.”
-- Leaping Poetry: An Idea with Poems and Translations by Robert Bly |
ericcoliu 写到: |
2 These two lines, “I can’t tell you where -- / as if I appeared where I am now,” are taken from "Winter Privacy Poems at the Shack" collected in Silence in the Snowy Fields by Robert Bly. |
The poet got lost in his leaping association of "deep images." _________________ My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期四 十月 09, 2008 3:12 pm 发表主题: |
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Eric,
"caressed" and "secret" are good replacement of "touched" and "itchy"(Now I don't fee itchy anymore).
V2 is definitely more compact and the ideas are tightened up.
Though I see the link between the opening and the ending couplets in V1, I feel the ending is not wrapped up well.
V2 has my vote if you ask me.
Lake |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期四 十月 09, 2008 10:50 pm 发表主题: |
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Lake 写到: |
Though I see the link between the opening and the ending couplets in V1, I feel the ending is not wrapped up well.
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Hi! Lake:
Thanks for your attentive reading and comments.
I've re-arranged my poem and revised some of its lines. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸] 温暖的水獸作品集 五品知州 (再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
注册时间: 2008-04-23 帖子: 153 来自: 水族箱
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发表于: 星期六 十月 18, 2008 2:41 pm 发表主题: |
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I prefer version II, which is more poetic.
Read out of the context where ericcoliu tries to situate his readers, Itchy Agony is a disguided erotic poem. _________________ 舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說:是的 我願意 |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期日 十月 19, 2008 8:38 am 发表主题: |
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温暖的水獸 写到: |
Read out of the context where ericcoliu tries to situate his readers, Itchy Agony is a disguided erotic poem. |
Read the note thoroughly and think it over.
I believe you'll get a different answer.
Through a looking glass of erotica, everything can be viewed as erotic. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期日 三月 01, 2009 8:58 am 发表主题: |
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Throbbing Agony has been published in the March Issue of Word Catalyst. _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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