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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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 发表于: 星期四 十月 09, 2008 3:32 pm 发表主题: |
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I've revised my translation again.
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Lines go off in all directions. |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期日 十月 12, 2008 12:53 am 发表主题: |
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Hmmm, not sure of
| 引用: | | That little path was by-passed the temple |
There is a case of grammar here.
Here is my version based on your original. It's a pity your original is gone. Anyway, all the credits should go to your first post.
The diminished tolling
has spun a cobweb, and rippled into rings of age
in the cracks of the columns.
No memories. The stones
that echo in the empty valleys
have no memories.
When the little path ran away from here
dragons and queer birds also flew away,
taking with them the silent bells from the eaves.
Year after year, wild weeds grow,
indifferent to the masters they submit to -
the monks’ cloth shoes, or the wind.
Broken stone tablets. Words engraved are worn out,
as if only legible by the light of a big fire.
Perhaps, led by the gaze of the living
the tortoise will resurrect from beneath the earth
and, burdened by many secrets,
crawl over the threshold.
It's not necessarily better, just an alternative that may work IMO.
最后进行编辑的是 Lake on 星期二 十月 14, 2008 8:22 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
温暖的水獸作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-04-23
帖子: 153
来自: 水族箱
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| 发表于: 星期二 十月 14, 2008 12:36 pm 发表主题: |
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Hmm. Lake's translation is more poetic. Good.
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舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說：是的 我願意 |
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
温暖的水獸作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-04-23
帖子: 153
来自: 水族箱
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| 发表于: 星期二 十月 14, 2008 12:41 pm 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
Year after year, wild weeds grow,
indifferent to the masters they submit to -
the monks’ cloth shoes, the wind.
Broken stone tablets. Words engraved are worn out,
as if only legible by the light of a big fire.
Perhaps, led by the gaze of the living
the tortoise will resurrect from beneath the earth
and, burdened by many secrets
crawl over the threshold. [/i]
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My suggestions would be the following:
1) the monks’ cloth shoes, or the wind.
2) and, burdened by many secrets,
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舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說：是的 我願意 |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期二 十月 14, 2008 8:20 pm 发表主题: |
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Eagle-eyed, 温暖的水獸. It's my carelessness. When I carried it from my work place to home, the "comma" and "or" were dropped.
Thanks, I'll have them added back.
I still prefer, for all the works, that the original stays, so that further comparison can be made. |
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川生[川生]
川生作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-09-18
帖子: 72
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| 发表于: 星期五 十月 17, 2008 8:39 am 发表主题: |
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Thank 温暖的水獸 and Lake for your comments and rewrite, upon which my revision is based.
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Lines go off in all directions. |
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hahaview[hahaview]
hahaview作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-02-07
帖子: 103
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| 发表于: 星期六 十月 18, 2008 7:54 am 发表主题: Re: An Ancient Temple (4th revision, two translations) |
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| 川生 写到: |
古寺 北岛
消失的钟声
结成蛛网，在裂缝的柱子里
扩散成一圈圈年轮
An Ancient Temple
The disappeared songs of a bell
woven into cobwebs in the columns' crevices
have grown outward into numerous tree rings.
No memories left. |
I think the opening sentence is too long and complex; maybe you need to cut it into few short sentences.
The rest of the translation is good.
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I came, I saw, and I conquered |
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