酷我-北美枫

[Lake]

An Evening Thought

Version 3 (tercets)

Sitting alone in the darkness,
the sound of crickets grows faint
in the withered grasses.

The pain in my body grows sharp
against a neighbor’s music and laughter
and I remember,

the first verse you wrote
how it reddened my face and
I pretended not to understand.

You tried to explain in a timid voice.
Do you still write poems?
Why should I care?

Version 2

I remember blushing
at the first verse you wrote me -
I pretended not to understand,
and you stammered to explain.
The sound of crickets,
a fading soundtrack
of solitary night.
Do you still write poems?

Why should I care?


Version 1

Sitting in the darkness.
Solitude.
The sound of crickets grows faint
in the withered grasses.
The pain in my body grows sharp
against a neighbor’s music and laughter.
I remember, the first verse
you wrote reddened my face -
I pretended not to understand it
and you tried to explain in a timid voice.
Do you still write poems?

Why should I care?

[[Lake]]

An Evening Thought

Version 3 (tercets)

Sitting alone in the darkness,
the sound of crickets grows faint
in the withered grasses.

The pain in my body grows sharp
against a neighbor’s music and laughter
and I remember,

the first verse you wrote
how it reddened my face and
I pretended not to understand.

You tried to explain in a timid voice.
Do you still write poems?
Why should I care?

Version 2

I remember blushing
at the first verse you wrote me -
I pretended not to understand,
and you stammered to explain.
The sound of crickets,
a fading soundtrack
of solitary night.
Do you still write poems?

Why should I care?


Version 1

Sitting in the darkness.
Solitude.
The sound of crickets grows faint
in the withered grasses.
The pain in my body grows sharp
against a neighbor’s music and laughter.
I remember, the first verse
you wrote reddened my face -
I pretended not to understand it
and you tried to explain in a timid voice.
Do you still write poems?

Why should I care?

[Champagne]

Brilliantly done. Nice read.

The first lines set the tone for the poem.

Sitting in the darkness.
Solitude.

Hmm. Interesting. Something to ponder over.

Hi! Lake:

I always thought you’re a poet of being the “moderate” voice.

IMHO, I think the second line is unnecessary because the follow lines already convey a strong sense of loneliness.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.

[[Champagne]]

Brilliantly done. Nice read.

The first lines set the tone for the poem.

Sitting in the darkness.
Solitude.

Hmm. Interesting. Something to ponder over.

Hi! Lake:

I always thought you’re a poet of being the “moderate” voice.

IMHO, I think the second line is unnecessary because the follow lines already convey a strong sense of loneliness.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.

[Champagne]

[[Champagne]]

[Lake]

Hi Champagne,

People have highs and lows, ups and downs.

"solitude", I used it to emphasize the aloneness. Not sure if it fits. Will post another version without it.

The stand alone line, I have seen others use it a lot and found if it is used appropriately, it will have a special effect.

Thanks for the read and nice comment.

[[Lake]]

Hi Champagne,

People have highs and lows, ups and downs.

"solitude", I used it to emphasize the aloneness. Not sure if it fits. Will post another version without it.

The stand alone line, I have seen others use it a lot and found if it is used appropriately, it will have a special effect.

Thanks for the read and nice comment.

[Champagne]

[[Champagne]]

[ericcoliu]

[[ericcoliu]]

[Lake]

Thanks Champ and Eric.

I got another version from a friend of mine. I just love these rewrites that show different ways of writing a poem, thus help me broaden my ways of thinking. Glad the idea remains the same. I'm happy to save them in my collection.

[[Lake]]

Thanks Champ and Eric.

I got another version from a friend of mine. I just love these rewrites that show different ways of writing a poem, thus help me broaden my ways of thinking. Glad the idea remains the same. I'm happy to save them in my collection.

[ericcoliu]

Hi ! Lake:

Gee, you re-arranged your poem again -- in tercets.

Making a comparative reading of versions 1 and 3, I think the new form adds to the feeling of one thought coming out of another, one thought joining on to another.

Good read.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[[ericcoliu]]

Hi ! Lake:

Gee, you re-arranged your poem again -- in tercets.

Making a comparative reading of versions 1 and 3, I think the new form adds to the feeling of one thought coming out of another, one thought joining on to another.

Good read.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[christine]

Structurally and aesthetically speaking, version 3 is more succinct and poetic.

However, I like the stand alone line of version 1 – an emotionally powerful line

[[christine]]

Structurally and aesthetically speaking, version 3 is more succinct and poetic.

However, I like the stand alone line of version 1 – an emotionally powerful line

[dundas]

Hi! Lake:

I prefer version 1 most while I think version 2 is a slim edition of version 1 or 3.
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well

[[dundas]]

Hi! Lake:

I prefer version 1 most while I think version 2 is a slim edition of version 1 or 3.
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well

[Lake]

Thanks Eric, Christine, Dundas for your read and opinions.
I see your points. Thanks again.

[[Lake]]

Thanks Eric, Christine, Dundas for your read and opinions.
I see your points. Thanks again.