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何君华[何君华]
何君华作品集
九品县令
（一不小心，做了官儿了。）
注册时间: 2008-05-24
帖子: 29
来自: 中国，内蒙古
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 发表于: 星期四 九月 18, 2008 10:09 pm 发表主题: 细 节 |
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细 节
她的一缕发香
他的一丝微笑
眼角眉梢
两个细节
一段情缘
在风中摇曳
Detail
translated by He Junhua ,He Ting
The smell of her hair
The smile on his face
around the eyes and elbows
two details
one love
is around the corner
_________________
何君华 |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期五 九月 19, 2008 7:13 am 发表主题: |
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| 何君华 写到: |
细 节
她的一缕发香
他的一丝微笑
眼角眉梢
两个细节
一段情缘
在风中摇曳
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I like its image-centered poetic sensibilities and the skillful use of imagery with minimum discursiveness.
A Bin Xin-esque poem.
The concluding statement of the Chinese version is better than that of the English one.
| 何君华 写到: |
眼角 眉梢
around the eyes and elbows
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??
By the way, Detail or The Details?
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
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| 发表于: 星期五 九月 19, 2008 3:09 pm 发表主题: |
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Welcome aboard, 何君华.
Sometimes it is hard to comment on the bilingual works for the writer has the liberty to translate or rewrite (meaningwise) in two languages. This one qualifies the latter, am I right?
As Eric said the ending in the Chinese version is better than that in English.
| 引用: | | around the eyes and elbows |
I guess you meant "eyebrows"?
Just a gentle reminder:
| 引用: | 鼓励回帖！
发扬中华民族的优良传统：礼尚往来！
如果你希望你的帖子得到别人的点评，
首先，请动手点评别人的帖子！
请注意每天发表自己作品数量不要超过5篇。。。以便阅读和评点。
每发一首，也请点评一首。
谢谢！ |
http://coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=231
I would change the number of works to no more than 3 a day for my own personal experience - the more you post, the fewer comments you get.
Do I sound mean? If this place is only a showcase, I'll just read and leave without a word; but if it is a place for the members to improve, to communicate, then I think everyone should follow the above rule.
I know that I've said more than I should. Stone at me. |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期五 九月 19, 2008 3:52 pm 发表主题: |
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| Lake 写到: |
Do I sound mean? If this place is only a showcase, I'll just read and leave without a word; but if it is a place for the members to improve, to communicate, then I think everyone should follow the above rule.
I know that I've said more than I should. Stone at me. |
No. Definitely not.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期六 十一月 01, 2008 8:05 am, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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何君华[何君华]
何君华作品集
九品县令
（一不小心，做了官儿了。）
注册时间: 2008-05-24
帖子: 29
来自: 中国，内蒙古
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| 发表于: 星期六 九月 20, 2008 11:00 pm 发表主题: You are right! |
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If this place is only a showcase, I'll just read and leave without a word; but if it is a place for the members to improve, to communicate, then I think everyone should follow the above rule.
Thanks!
_________________
何君华 |
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何君华[何君华]
何君华作品集
九品县令
（一不小心，做了官儿了。）
注册时间: 2008-05-24
帖子: 29
来自: 中国，内蒙古
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| 发表于: 星期六 九月 20, 2008 11:04 pm 发表主题: 细 节 |
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细 节
她的一缕发香
他的一丝微笑
眼角眉梢
两个细节
一段情缘
在风中摇曳
The Detail
translated by He Junhua ,He Ting
The smell of her hair
The smile on his face
around the eyes and eyebrows
two details
one love
is around the corner
_________________
何君华 |
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| 返回页首 |
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何君华[何君华]
何君华作品集
九品县令
（一不小心，做了官儿了。）
注册时间: 2008-05-24
帖子: 29
来自: 中国，内蒙古
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| 发表于: 星期六 九月 20, 2008 11:07 pm 发表主题: Thanks to Ericcoliu & Lake |
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Thanks to Ericcoliu & Lake.
I am really very grateful!
Thanks a lot !
_________________
何君华 |
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何君华[何君华]
何君华作品集
九品县令
（一不小心，做了官儿了。）
注册时间: 2008-05-24
帖子: 29
来自: 中国，内蒙古
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| 发表于: 星期六 九月 20, 2008 11:24 pm 发表主题: Thanks to Ericcoliu & Lake |
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| ericcoliu 写到: | | 何君华 写到: |
细 节
她的一缕发香
他的一丝微笑
眼角眉梢
两个细节
一段情缘
在风中摇曳
|
I like its image-centered poetic sensibilities and the skillful use of imagery with minimum discursiveness.
A Bin Xin-esque poem.
The concluding statement of the Chinese version is better than that of the English one.
| 何君华 写到: |
眼角 眉梢
around the eyes and elbows
|
??
By the way, Detail or The Details? |
This is my first time to translate my Chinese poem into English.There are many mistakes ,you correct them.THANKS
_________________
何君华 |
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何君华[何君华]
何君华作品集
九品县令
（一不小心，做了官儿了。）
注册时间: 2008-05-24
帖子: 29
来自: 中国，内蒙古
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| 发表于: 星期二 九月 23, 2008 2:13 am 发表主题: 这是翻译的新版，请批评！細 節 |
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这是翻译的新版，请批评！
細 節
她的一縷髮香
他的一絲微笑
眼角眉梢
兩個細節
一段情緣
在風中搖曳
DETAIL
translated by He Junhua ,He Ting
With a fragrant smell of her hair
With a slightly smile on his face
At the corner of the eye
Upon the tip of the elbow
Two details
Yet one partial love
Wavering
In wind
_________________
何君华 |
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
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| 发表于: 星期四 九月 25, 2008 10:59 pm 发表主题: |
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Your line-for-line translation doesn't work well.
After a close reading of your poem, I think you don’t need “two details”, which is implied in the title of the poem.
The Details by ericcoliu
The fragrant smell of her hair,
A slight smile across his face,
At the corner of the eye,
Upon the tip of the eyebrow --
A strip of love
Wavering in the wind.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期四 十月 16, 2008 7:04 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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何君华[何君华]
何君华作品集
九品县令
（一不小心，做了官儿了。）
注册时间: 2008-05-24
帖子: 29
来自: 中国，内蒙古
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| 发表于: 星期五 九月 26, 2008 2:40 am 发表主题: Thanks |
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Thanks
_________________
何君华 |
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