酷我-北美枫

[星子]

dedicated to Jujie Luan and all oversea Chinese

Standing on the fencing field
of 2008 Beijing Olympics,
the fifty-year-old fencing queen
tightly holds up her banner ;
her face is behind the printed words.

As if to lift her China up,
the former Olympics Champion
makes her earnest voice to spread
"Hello, My Motherland."

It has traveled thousands of miles,
It has repeated millions of times;
on its destination, the applauded audiences
thunderously echo:
Hello, hello . . .

Two decades pass,
two worlds through,
Jujie Luan’s sword still warm and sharp
sprays waves of joy and tears.

The long journey she has come home
brimmed with words printed in her heart,
shared by millions of the oversea,
bitter and sweet:
Hello, My Motherland.



栾菊杰高举“祖国好”.
_________________

[[ANNA]]

dedicated to Jujie Luan and all oversea Chinese

Standing on the fencing field
of 2008 Beijing Olympics,
the fifty-year-old fencing queen
tightly holds up her banner ;
her face is behind the printed words.

As if to lift her China up,
the former Olympics Champion
makes her earnest voice to spread
"Hello, My Motherland."

It has traveled thousands of miles,
It has repeated millions of times;
on its destination, the applauded audiences
thunderously echo:
Hello, hello . . .

Two decades pass,
two worlds through,
Jujie Luan’s sword still warm and sharp
sprays waves of joy and tears.

The long journey she has come home
brimmed with words printed in her heart,
shared by millions of the oversea,
bitter and sweet:
Hello, My Motherland.



栾菊杰高举“祖国好”.
_________________

[星子]

Her story and report is here:

http://chinadaily.cn/olympics/2008-08/08/content_6915884.htm
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Her story and report is here:

http://chinadaily.cn/olympics/2008-08/08/content_6915884.htm
_________________

[ericcoliu]

This poem is overtly message-driven and thus leaves almost nothing for the reader to ponder.

My suggestion is that you need to rewrite this piece to show and not to tell the emotional impact of her holding the banner.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[[ericcoliu]]

This poem is overtly message-driven and thus leaves almost nothing for the reader to ponder.

My suggestion is that you need to rewrite this piece to show and not to tell the emotional impact of her holding the banner.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[星子]

Thanks Eric.

Since this is a poem based on the news, sometimes it is difficult to balance.

Here revised to not shift but focus on her story.

Standing on the fencing field
of 2008 Beijing Olympics,
the Fifty-year-old fencing queen
tightly holds up her banner ;
her face is behind the printed words.

As if to lift her China up,
the former Olympics Champion
makes her earnest voice to spread
"Hello, My Motherland."

It has traveled thousands of miles,
It has repeated millions of times,
there it echoes
sounds of thunder
among the crowded audiences:
Hello, hello . . .

Two decades pass,
two worlds through,
her sword still warm and sharp
sprays waves of joy and tears.

The long journey she has come home
brimmed with words printed in her heart,
shared by millions of oversea Chinese,
bitter and sweet:
Hello, My Motherland.
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Thanks Eric.

Since this is a poem based on the news, sometimes it is difficult to balance.

Here revised to not shift but focus on her story.

Standing on the fencing field
of 2008 Beijing Olympics,
the Fifty-year-old fencing queen
tightly holds up her banner ;
her face is behind the printed words.

As if to lift her China up,
the former Olympics Champion
makes her earnest voice to spread
"Hello, My Motherland."

It has traveled thousands of miles,
It has repeated millions of times,
there it echoes
sounds of thunder
among the crowded audiences:
Hello, hello . . .

Two decades pass,
two worlds through,
her sword still warm and sharp
sprays waves of joy and tears.

The long journey she has come home
brimmed with words printed in her heart,
shared by millions of oversea Chinese,
bitter and sweet:
Hello, My Motherland.
_________________

[星子]

Comments for my first draft from Penshell.

This is a very touching piece. I felt a pang. My homeland is the USA. I don't know if I would ever feel that kind of warmth toward that land of my birth. Maybe I would.

"As to lift China above" maybe should be "As if to lift China up" (above is a prepostion that need an object--above HER or something).

"There she has her earnest voice to spread" is a bit clumsy to me. "There she spreads her earnest voice." would be better. But you may not need that line at all. It could go right to "Hello, my motherland." That is such a powerful line.

---Don
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Comments for my first draft from Penshell.

This is a very touching piece. I felt a pang. My homeland is the USA. I don't know if I would ever feel that kind of warmth toward that land of my birth. Maybe I would.

"As to lift China above" maybe should be "As if to lift China up" (above is a prepostion that need an object--above HER or something).

"There she has her earnest voice to spread" is a bit clumsy to me. "There she spreads her earnest voice." would be better. But you may not need that line at all. It could go right to "Hello, my motherland." That is such a powerful line.

---Don
_________________

[anna]

revised to remove some plain descriptions and repitition.


Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 5:44 am Post subject: Hello, My Motherland

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two decades past,
two worlds through,
Jujie Luan holds the banner,
her face behind printed words,
the unsheathed
sword still sharp and warm.

There,in the red crystal Bird Nest,
the former Olympics Champion
penetrating voice spread -
in joys, in tears.

thousands of miles
the words have travelled,
millions of times
the voice have repeated;
on its destination,
the applauding audiences
echo in a burst of thunder:

Hello, Motherland.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

revised to remove some plain descriptions and repitition.


Posted: Fri Aug 15, 2008 5:44 am Post subject: Hello, My Motherland

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two decades past,
two worlds through,
Jujie Luan holds the banner,
her face behind printed words,
the unsheathed
sword still sharp and warm.

There,in the red crystal Bird Nest,
the former Olympics Champion
penetrating voice spread -
in joys, in tears.

thousands of miles
the words have travelled,
millions of times
the voice have repeated;
on its destination,
the applauding audiences
echo in a burst of thunder:

Hello, Motherland.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com