酷我-北美枫

非马 · 发表于: 星期二七月 15, 2008 4:15 pm 发表主题: 静物 STILL LIFE

静物

白瓷观音
微笑着
看一粒尘埃
在晨光里
堕落

STILL LIFE

The Goddess of Mercy
of white porcelain
stands there with a smile
watching
a dust mote fall
in the bright morning light

Lake · 发表于: 星期二七月 15, 2008 10:16 pm 发表主题:

非马先生，

这首读起来，像是中文版更简洁。

我在想如果把 fall 像中文版那样放在最后一行会有什么效果呢？试试。

The Goddess of Mercy
of white porcelain
stands there with a smile
watching
a dust mote
in the bright morning light
fall

I know, I know, the verb is too far away from its subject, but the emphasis is placed on the fall.

Now say No to it. Very Happy

Lake

非马 · 发表于: 星期二七月 15, 2008 11:43 pm 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期三七月 16, 2008 9:23 am 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期四七月 17, 2008 1:25 pm 发表主题:

Hi Mr. Fei Ma,

After a few more reads, I find version one stands smoother and more complete. So don't listen to me. Embarassed

Lake

非马 · 发表于: 星期四七月 17, 2008 5:09 pm 发表主题:

Thank you Lake, for your continuing interest in my poem. I think I am going to listen to your "don't listen to me " advice. Thanks again.

Lake · 发表于: 星期四七月 17, 2008 9:37 pm 发表主题: