酷我-北美枫

[星子]

Combined all the suggestions I got, I revised it again

1)

Do I really miss you,
or is it because of the falling snow?

The weather forecast
fails. Perhaps,
I really should escape
the clouded perception?

2)

A few steps to a door,
Or merely a door?

My hands cannot reach,
My mind peeks through

3)

White like snow-covered soil
Dark and chilly inside

The seeds and roots hardly grow,
They wait . . .

_________________





---old ---
(1)

Do I really miss you,
or is it because of the falling snow?

The weather forecast
proves its failure.
Perhaps, I really should get
out of the clouded perception?

Bed silently, thoughts fall,
then float and sail beyond if…

Who will cry,
you or my self?

(2)

A few steps to a door,
Or merely a door?

My hands cannot reach,
My minds peek through

Not much left to say
But so much to tell

That in dreams,
That buried fears

3)

We forget the moment,
The past and the future

White like snow-covered soil
Dark and chilly inside

The seeds and roots hardly grow,
They wait . . .
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Combined all the suggestions I got, I revised it again

1)

Do I really miss you,
or is it because of the falling snow?

The weather forecast
fails. Perhaps,
I really should escape
the clouded perception?

2)

A few steps to a door,
Or merely a door?

My hands cannot reach,
My mind peeks through

3)

White like snow-covered soil
Dark and chilly inside

The seeds and roots hardly grow,
They wait . . .

_________________





---old ---
(1)

Do I really miss you,
or is it because of the falling snow?

The weather forecast
proves its failure.
Perhaps, I really should get
out of the clouded perception?

Bed silently, thoughts fall,
then float and sail beyond if…

Who will cry,
you or my self?

(2)

A few steps to a door,
Or merely a door?

My hands cannot reach,
My minds peek through

Not much left to say
But so much to tell

That in dreams,
That buried fears

3)

We forget the moment,
The past and the future

White like snow-covered soil
Dark and chilly inside

The seeds and roots hardly grow,
They wait . . .
_________________

[星子]

Comments from Penshell



Hello Anna

I always look for the wholeness of existence, culturally absorbed, when you write. Im seldom disappointed.

One of the beauties of this is I want to know whats behind it, and yet I dont. And the two energies, working against each other, produces a delicious ache to ponder.

I'd wish you to look again at get out of the cloudy perception. The syntax needs revising.

And I wonder about splitting myself (my self). I feel it would strengthen that final line.

I hope your day is fine.

michael ...




Surprising, and sparse. A lean poem
of private distress, coupled
with inhibited indecision. A fitting image
for many who struggle
with the realities
of everyday life. I want to echo a few of michael's comments. The "delicious ache"
and his counsel to consider an edit of line six. A perception is clouded.
Weather is cloudy. A sky is cloudy. I do like the weather
images, though. And perhaps a "you" after "Who will cry,"
Wrenchingly honest.
It's a gem.

- Doug
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Comments from Penshell



Hello Anna

I always look for the wholeness of existence, culturally absorbed, when you write. Im seldom disappointed.

One of the beauties of this is I want to know whats behind it, and yet I dont. And the two energies, working against each other, produces a delicious ache to ponder.

I'd wish you to look again at get out of the cloudy perception. The syntax needs revising.

And I wonder about splitting myself (my self). I feel it would strengthen that final line.

I hope your day is fine.

michael ...




Surprising, and sparse. A lean poem
of private distress, coupled
with inhibited indecision. A fitting image
for many who struggle
with the realities
of everyday life. I want to echo a few of michael's comments. The "delicious ache"
and his counsel to consider an edit of line six. A perception is clouded.
Weather is cloudy. A sky is cloudy. I do like the weather
images, though. And perhaps a "you" after "Who will cry,"
Wrenchingly honest.
It's a gem.

- Doug
_________________

[星子]

Thanks for michael and doug's comments.

I wrote this poem part 1 first and felt it not fished yet, but somehow I don't know how to write more...

After reading their comments, I come back the the poem and want to write more. so i write part 2 and 3...
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Thanks for michael and doug's comments.

I wrote this poem part 1 first and felt it not fished yet, but somehow I don't know how to write more...

After reading their comments, I come back the the poem and want to write more. so i write part 2 and 3...
_________________

[Lake]

I've read it a few times, trying to get the meaning out of it.

[[Lake]]

I've read it a few times, trying to get the meaning out of it.

[非马]

I like the first stanza of part 1 and the last stanza of part 3.

I tend to agree with Lake, the following two lines are not easy to understand:

Bed silently, thoughts fall,
then float and sail beyond if…

At first I thought "Bed" was the subject. But then you would write "Bed Silent," or "Bed remains silent," If "Bed" was used as a verb, then you would write "Bed down silently," Anyway, it probably needs some work.

The following two lines also need some clarification:

That in dreams,
That buried fears

What are the "That"s referring to?

[[FAFAFA]]

I like the first stanza of part 1 and the last stanza of part 3.

I tend to agree with Lake, the following two lines are not easy to understand:

Bed silently, thoughts fall,
then float and sail beyond if…

At first I thought "Bed" was the subject. But then you would write "Bed Silent," or "Bed remains silent," If "Bed" was used as a verb, then you would write "Bed down silently," Anyway, it probably needs some work.

The following two lines also need some clarification:

That in dreams,
That buried fears

What are the "That"s referring to?

[星子]

Hi Lake,

I know what you mean. I want to use bed as verb... bedding
Here I could use the long sentence to make it fit grammar, but some times I want to try it differely. (though it is the weak point to challenge . . .)

there are two ideas inside, I guess I need to use " ;" .

Bed down silently; thoughts fall, then float

Thanks for comments.

Anna
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Hi Lake,

I know what you mean. I want to use bed as verb... bedding
Here I could use the long sentence to make it fit grammar, but some times I want to try it differely. (though it is the weak point to challenge . . .)

there are two ideas inside, I guess I need to use " ;" .

Bed down silently; thoughts fall, then float

Thanks for comments.

Anna
_________________

[星子]

Hi 非马,

Thanks for comments.

Yes. I intend to use bed as verb.

That in dreams,
That buried fears

What are the "That"s referring to?

It is referring to the above lines...

Not much left to say
But so much to tell
That in dreams,
Those buried fears

I will revise it later. Not sure how to make it clear... but sometimes, I think we need not give away too much.

Anna
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Hi 非马,

Thanks for comments.

Yes. I intend to use bed as verb.

That in dreams,
That buried fears

What are the "That"s referring to?

It is referring to the above lines...

Not much left to say
But so much to tell
That in dreams,
Those buried fears

I will revise it later. Not sure how to make it clear... but sometimes, I think we need not give away too much.

Anna
_________________

[星子]

Thanks for Ken and other peers' suggestions.

Ken asks me to trust the images and let images talk. He suggests to remove the lines not adding much...

So i revise it again.

If I leave


Do I really miss you,
or is it because of the falling snow?

The weather forecast
fails. Perhaps,
I really should get out
of the clouded perception?

A few steps to a door,
Or merely a door?

My hands cannot reach,
My minds peek through

White like snow-covered soil
Dark and chilly inside

The seeds and roots hardly grow,
They wait . . .
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Thanks for Ken and other peers' suggestions.

Ken asks me to trust the images and let images talk. He suggests to remove the lines not adding much...

So i revise it again.

If I leave


Do I really miss you,
or is it because of the falling snow?

The weather forecast
fails. Perhaps,
I really should get out
of the clouded perception?

A few steps to a door,
Or merely a door?

My hands cannot reach,
My minds peek through

White like snow-covered soil
Dark and chilly inside

The seeds and roots hardly grow,
They wait . . .
_________________

[星子]

Hi Anna.

Both the first two and the last six lines are just wonderful, and provide such a wistful framework around the poem. This is such a gentle piece, and it leads quietly from image to image, thought to thought, as the speaker tries to figure out the nature of her relationship - one which appears to be on the edge of ending if not already there.

Perhaps, I really should get
out of the clouded perception?

I'm thinking "escape/the (this) clouded perception" might be something to consider. It's a more active sort of verb than "get out of". I like use of "clouded" right after the weather forecast reference, since both the outer and inner weather seem to match.

A few steps to a door,
Or merely a door?
My hands cannot reach

I wonder if she is indecisive or merely nervous, afraid to make a move. It's very hard to open a door that someone else has closed. Or to reopen a relationship that's over.

My minds peek through (perhaps "my mind peeks" as I think you have only one mind, although making it plural does suggest ambivalence)

I haven't seen the original but this appears to be pretty much finished now, except as indicated above. It's always a pleasure for me to read your work.

Brenda
_________________

[[ANNA]]

Hi Anna.

Both the first two and the last six lines are just wonderful, and provide such a wistful framework around the poem. This is such a gentle piece, and it leads quietly from image to image, thought to thought, as the speaker tries to figure out the nature of her relationship - one which appears to be on the edge of ending if not already there.

Perhaps, I really should get
out of the clouded perception?

I'm thinking "escape/the (this) clouded perception" might be something to consider. It's a more active sort of verb than "get out of". I like use of "clouded" right after the weather forecast reference, since both the outer and inner weather seem to match.

A few steps to a door,
Or merely a door?
My hands cannot reach

I wonder if she is indecisive or merely nervous, afraid to make a move. It's very hard to open a door that someone else has closed. Or to reopen a relationship that's over.

My minds peek through (perhaps "my mind peeks" as I think you have only one mind, although making it plural does suggest ambivalence)

I haven't seen the original but this appears to be pretty much finished now, except as indicated above. It's always a pleasure for me to read your work.

Brenda
_________________