酷我-北美枫

Lake · 发表于: 星期六五月 24, 2008 10:09 am 发表主题:

Here is the revised one.

I find myself dumb
-- 5.12 Earthquake in Sichuan

On the other end
of the planet, my wound
is torn open once again,
thirty-two years later.

The TV screen goes blank
as I stare through it.
My words are no words,
my tears are no tears.

A blood stained arm reaching
out of concrete debris,
whose hand is held tight
by a hand outside.

A backpack, a shoe…
scattered on the rubble –
the identities of the lost .
Time leaves lives behind.

( I feel I don't need to say Pray, silently I pray).

ericcoliu · 发表于: 星期六五月 24, 2008 10:52 am 发表主题:

The revised version, still following the very spirit of the original one, is more succinct. Emotional restraint is its strength. The third stanza succinctly summarises the hopeful sign of the aftermath if there is one.

By the way, I think it would be better to use Dumbfounded as the title of the poem because it is more succinct and you don't need to tell the reader "I find my self dumb" if the poem is written from the first-person perspective.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

Lake · 发表于: 星期二五月 27, 2008 9:01 pm 发表主题:

Back to this again.

Facing this devastating earthquake, I really feel my words are powerless, tears helpless. I didn't have any desire to write anything at first. However, I thought I should show my support and sympathy to the people in the hard hit areas in whatever way possible. This is how the original came out and I kept it the way it was no matter how plain how powerless how raw it looks. Frankly speaking it is not calculated, but simply a flow of emotion.

After letting it sit for a few days, I come back to revisit it and find my words failed me. I then look for crits as how to make it more powerful (anna's word). My friends suggest to reverse the lines and stanzas to make it happen. I really appreciate their reminder (the technique I've learned and practiced but easy to be forgotten). Here is another try, not sure if it works better.

On the other end
of the planet, a thirty-two
year old wound
is torn open once again.

Out of concrete debris,
a blood stained arm reaches
a hand held tightly
by a hand outside.

A backpack, a shoe…
scattered on the rubble –
the identities of the lost.
Time leaves lives behind.

The TV screen goes blank
as I stare through it.
My words are no words,
my tears are no tears.

非马 · 发表于: 星期三五月 28, 2008 5:05 pm 发表主题:

(Quote)
I find myself dumb
-- 5.12 Earthquake in Sichuan

On the other end
of the planet, my wound
is torn open once again,
thirty-two years later.

The TV screen goes blank
as I stare through it.
My words are no words,
my tears are no tears.

A blood stained arm reaching
out of concrete debris,
whose hand is held tight
by a hand outside.

A backpack, a shoe…
scattered on the rubble –
the identities of the lost .
Time leaves lives behind.
(End of Quote)

I like this version better. Some small comments/suggestions:

1. I agree with Eric, it would be better to use Dumbfounded as the title of the poem;
2. "as I stare through it. " Is the word "through" really what you want? We usually say "stare at it" or "stare into it." It sounds as if the stare is so intense and powerful that it penetrates the screen;
3. In "My words are no words, /my tears are no tears. " the word "are" in the second line probably can be omitted;
4. In the line "A blood stained arm reaching" I would use a simpler yet stronger word "bloody" in place of "blood stained." Or, at least put a "-" between the words "blood" and "stained";
5."whose hand is held tight /by a hand outside. " at first I thought it was a question but then realized you were probably referring to the arm in the previous lines. If that is the case, I would change "whose" to "a";
6. I am not quite sure about the meaning of the last line of the last stanza.
I am tempted to change the last stanza to the following:

A backpack, a shoe…
scattered in the rubble –
evidences of the lives forever lost.

But I feel it might be presumptuous for me to do so. Besides, it breaks your pattern of having four lines in each stanza.

戴玨 · 发表于: 星期三五月 28, 2008 6:23 pm 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期三五月 28, 2008 11:05 pm 发表主题:

高兴见到戴玨和非马先生。谢谢你们的建议。看来我改的不见得越改越好。

回非马先生：

1. I'm using it.
2. I first used 'at', then changed it to 'through', each has a different meaning. I'll think it over.
3. Yes, probably. I even thought about ditching 'my' in 'my tears are no tears'. Thus ' My words are no words/tears no tears'. I guess I wanted to maintain the same structure?
4. To me 'bloody' is 太血腥. I'll consider 'blood-stained'.
5. Yes, that's why I changed it to 'a hand' in my second revision.
6. The last line means time is running short, people are dying. But 'time is running short' is overused. So I chose 'time leaves lives behind'. Hope it makes sense.

回戴玨：

My version:

A backpack, a shoe…
scattered on the rubble –
the identities of the lost .
Time leaves lives behind.

I've explained the last line in my response to Mr. Fei Ma. The third line, meaning the backpack, the shoe are the only identities of the dead. And that's the reason dash (- ) is used. For some weird reason, I am not so keen on 'soul'. But I see what you are getting at.

Thanks again for your read and thoughtful suggestions.

Lake

戴玨 · 发表于: 星期四五月 29, 2008 5:29 am 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期四五月 29, 2008 3:27 pm 发表主题:

Thanks 戴玨. I'll have another close look at this when I get home tonight. It's so inconvenient I lost my Chinese input on this machine.

Lake · 发表于: 星期四五月 29, 2008 9:01 pm 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期五五月 30, 2008 8:48 pm 发表主题:

Back to the discussion.