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在畢加島, On Pichia Island (revised)

 
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christine[christine]
christine作品集

四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304

帖子发表于: 星期日 五月 11, 2008 12:54 pm    发表主题: 在畢加島, On Pichia Island (revised) 引用并回复

<在畢加島>,楊澤

在畢加島,瑪莉安,我看見他們
用新建的機場、市政大樓掩去
殖民地暴政的記憶。我看見他們
用鴿子與藍縷者裝飾
昔日血戰的方場吸引外國來的觀光客……

在畢加島,我在酒店的陽臺邂逅了
安塞司卡來的一位政治流亡者,溫和的種族主義
激烈的愛國者。
「為了祖國與和平……」他向我舉杯
「為了愛……」我囁嚅地
回答,感覺自己有如一名昏庸懦弱的越戰逃兵
(瑪麗安,我仍然依戀
依戀月亮以及你美麗的,無政府主義者的肉體……)

在畢加島,我感傷的旅行的終點,瑪麗安
我坐下來思想人類歷史的鬼雨:
半夜推窗發現的苦難年代
我坐下來思想,在我們之前、之後
即將到來的苦難年代,千萬人頭

遽而落地,一個豐收的意象……
瑪麗安,在旋轉的童年木馬
在旋轉旋轉的唱槽上,我的詩
我的詩如何將無意義的苦難化為有意義的犠牲?
我的詩是否祇能預言難的陰影
並且說──愛……


English Translation

On Pichia Island


On Pichia Island, Marianne, I saw them
Cover up memories of colonial tyranny
With the newly built airport and city hall. I saw them
Decorate the square where bloody fighting had taken place
With doves and trailblazers to lure foreign tourists ……

On Pichia Island, on the balcony of a hotel I met
A political exile from Ansaiska, a moderate racist
And ardent patriot.
“For the fatherland and peace ……,” he raised his cup to me.
“For love ……,” I answered
Falteringly, feeling like a cowardly Vietnam War deserter.
(Marianne, I still love
The moon and your beautiful, anarchist body ……)

On Pichia Island, the destination of my melancholic journey, Marianne.
I sat down to ponder the ghostly rains of human history.
At midnight I pushed open the window to discover a suffering era.
I sat down to ponder all the suffering eras that had come before
And will come after us, ten of millions of human heads.

Suddenly rolling to the ground, an image of harvest ……
Marianne, on the merry-go-round of childhood,
On the circling groove of an LP my poetry rode.
How could my poetry turn meaningless suffering into meaningful sacrifice?
Could my poetry prophesize merely the shadows of suffering
And say – Love ……


最后进行编辑的是 christine on 星期三 五月 21, 2008 1:17 pm, 总计第 2 次编辑
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期日 五月 11, 2008 7:18 pm    发表主题: Re: 在畢加島, On Pichia Island 引用并回复

I think your English version of 在畢加島 will make much better sense in the present tense.


christine 写到:


<在畢加島>,楊澤

「為了愛……」我囁嚅地
回答
,感覺自己有如一名昏庸懦弱的越戰逃兵

“For love ……,” I murmured
A reply
,



My suggestion is as follows:

"For love ......," I answered
Falteringly,
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul


最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期二 五月 13, 2008 8:28 am, 总计第 2 次编辑
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期日 五月 11, 2008 7:20 pm    发表主题: Re: 在畢加島, On Pichia Island 引用并回复

christine 写到:


瑪麗安,在旋轉的童年木馬
在旋轉旋轉的唱槽上,我的詩

Marianne, on the revolving carousel of childhood,
On the circling groove of an LP, my poetry.


My suggestion is as follows:

Marianne, on the merry-go-round of childhood,
On the circling groove of an LP my poetry rode.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
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robarts[robarts]
robarts作品集

六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-03-24
帖子: 114
来自: Canada

帖子发表于: 星期一 五月 12, 2008 12:29 pm    发表主题: Re: 在畢加島, On Pichia Island 引用并回复

christine 写到:


<在畢加島>,楊澤

感覺自己有如一名昏庸懦弱的越戰逃兵
(瑪麗安,我仍然依戀
依戀月亮以及你美麗的,無政府主義者的肉體……)

, feeling like a cowardly Vietnam War deserter
(Marianne, I still loved
The moon and your beautiful, anarchist body ……).



Mu suggestion is as follows:

, feeling like a cowardly Vietnam War deserter.
(Marianne, I still loved
The moon and your beautiful, anarchist body ……)

The parenthesized sentence functions like a whisper to the ears of the reader.
_________________
If one cannot enjoy reading a book over and over again, there is no use in reading it at all.
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温暖的水獸[温暖的水獸]
温暖的水獸作品集

五品知州
(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)
五品知州<BR>(再努力一把就是四品大员了!)


注册时间: 2008-04-23
帖子: 153
来自: 水族箱

帖子发表于: 星期一 五月 12, 2008 2:49 pm    发表主题: Re: 在畢加島, On Pichia Island 引用并回复

christine 写到:


“For the fatherland and peace ……,” he raised this cup to me.


Or his cup?
_________________
舌頭那匹温暖的水獸 馴養地在小小的水族箱中 蠕動
那獸說:是的 我願意
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浴恩福[浴恩福]
浴恩福作品集

六品通判
(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)
六品通判<BR>(官儿做大了,保持廉洁哦)


注册时间: 2008-05-08
帖子: 123
来自: 多倫多

帖子发表于: 星期二 五月 13, 2008 11:01 am    发表主题: Re: 在畢加島, On Pichia Island 引用并回复

christine 写到:


我的詩如何將無意義的苦難化為有意義的犠牲?
我的詩是否祇能預言難的陰影
並且說──愛……


How would my poetry turn meaningless suffering into meaningful sacrifice?
Could my poetry only prophesize the shadows of suffering
And say – Love ……


The translation of the last three concluding lines is kind of confusing.
_________________
報三恩、耕三大福田
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期二 五月 13, 2008 8:17 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

浴恩福 写到:


The translation of the last three concluding lines is kind of confusing.


Yes, I agree.

My suggestions are as follows:

How could my poetry turn meaningless suffering into meaningful sacrifice?
Could my poetry prophesize merely the shadows of suffering
And say – Love ……
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul


最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期五 五月 16, 2008 8:29 am, 总计第 1 次编辑
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集

四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期三 五月 14, 2008 10:09 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

christine 写到:



(瑪麗安,我仍然依戀
依戀月亮以及你美麗的,無政府主義者的肉體……)


(Marianne, I still loved
The moon and your beautiful, anarchist body ……).



Or I still love?

christine 写到:

我坐下來思想,在我們之前、之後
即將到來的苦難年代,千萬人頭

I sat down to ponder, on all the suffering eras that came before
And will come after us, ten of millions of human heads.



Or I sat down to ponder all the suffering eras that came before ?
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
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christine[christine]
christine作品集

四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304

帖子发表于: 星期三 五月 14, 2008 11:55 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

ericcoliu 写到:


浴恩福 写到:


The translation of the last three concluding lines is kind of confusing.


Yes, I agree.

My suggestions are as follows:

How could my poetry turn meaningless suffering into meaningful sacrifice?
Could my poetry prophesize merely the shadows of suffering
And say – Love ……


Thanks for the comments.
I'll take your suggestions into consideration for further revision of my piece.
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christine[christine]
christine作品集

四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304

帖子发表于: 星期三 五月 14, 2008 11:57 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

Champagne 写到:
christine 写到:



(瑪麗安,我仍然依戀
依戀月亮以及你美麗的,無政府主義者的肉體……)


(Marianne, I still loved
The moon and your beautiful, anarchist body ……).



Or I still love?

christine 写到:

我坐下來思想,在我們之前、之後
即將到來的苦難年代,千萬人頭

I sat down to ponder, on all the suffering eras that came before
And will come after us, ten of millions of human heads.



Or I sat down to ponder all the suffering eras that came before ?


Yes, you're right. Thanks for your valuable suggestions.
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期五 五月 16, 2008 8:32 am    发表主题: Re: 在畢加島, On Pichia Island 引用并回复

christine 写到:


I saw them
Decorate the square where bloody fighting took place
With doves and settlers to lure foreign tourists ……

I sat down to ponder, on all the suffering eras that came before
And will come after us, ten of millions of human heads.



After a close look at your translation, I suggest you to make the following changes:

1 had taken place
2 had come before
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
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christine[christine]
christine作品集

四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304

帖子发表于: 星期二 五月 20, 2008 9:59 am    发表主题: Re: 在畢加島, On Pichia Island 引用并回复

ericcoliu 写到:


After a close look at your translation, I suggest you to make the following changes:

1 had taken place
2 had come before


Thanks for your suggestions.

I've revised my piece.
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期三 五月 21, 2008 9:26 am    发表主题: Re: 在畢加島, On Pichia Island (revised) 引用并回复

christine 写到:


半夜推窗發現的苦難年代
我坐下來思想,在我們之前、之後
即將到來的苦難年代,千萬人頭

At midnight I pushed open the window to find a suffering era.
I sat down to ponder all the suffering eras that had come before
And will come after us, ten of millions of human heads.



I think discover is better than find because to discover means to learn about something already existent.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
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christine[christine]
christine作品集

四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304

帖子发表于: 星期三 五月 21, 2008 1:16 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Yes, a good suggestion.

I've revised it.
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