酷我-北美枫

[anna]

Final version will not post. sorry.

[[星子安娜]]

Final version will not post. sorry.

[叶雨]

[[FFFFFF]]

[星子]

From Penshell


Hi Anna

Is this piece an allusion to the similarity between humankind and god? Taking two 'players' from the theatre of the physical world and comparing them to the spirit world? I'll make that assumption until you tell me otherwise. I'm also assuming 1) is the present and 2) is the future. This is my reading of the structure of the piece.

I like the idea of her being clothed in numbness. It speaks to me of a lack of depth in human romantic love. And one that is, sadly, becoming more shallow by the year. I wonder if 'I fear' needs to be there? But I'm unsure what she fears, so maybe it's central.

Should we be looking at Eva as a parallel with Eve from the garden of Eden? She being 'born' into the physical, yet separated from her god? Either way, I think it would work better without 'the'. So the last line would read ...

You became the God
she, Eva

... and if you are meaning her god, and not the God ... it wouldn't need the (G)od to be capitalized.

I haven't read anything like this from you before. I like the style. It's intriguing.

I'll be back to this later.

Best wishes

michael ...


When we learn to live in the moment, we truly become immortal
_________________

[[ANNA]]

From Penshell


Hi Anna

Is this piece an allusion to the similarity between humankind and god? Taking two 'players' from the theatre of the physical world and comparing them to the spirit world? I'll make that assumption until you tell me otherwise. I'm also assuming 1) is the present and 2) is the future. This is my reading of the structure of the piece.

I like the idea of her being clothed in numbness. It speaks to me of a lack of depth in human romantic love. And one that is, sadly, becoming more shallow by the year. I wonder if 'I fear' needs to be there? But I'm unsure what she fears, so maybe it's central.

Should we be looking at Eva as a parallel with Eve from the garden of Eden? She being 'born' into the physical, yet separated from her god? Either way, I think it would work better without 'the'. So the last line would read ...

You became the God
she, Eva

... and if you are meaning her god, and not the God ... it wouldn't need the (G)od to be capitalized.

I haven't read anything like this from you before. I like the style. It's intriguing.

I'll be back to this later.

Best wishes

michael ...


When we learn to live in the moment, we truly become immortal
_________________

[anna]

From Penshell

Anna,
You've show so much in here without saying, many layers that do intrigue as Michael has said. I love the edits you've taken so far. This is a profound little gem you've written,
I'm reading again to see what else I can absorb, I love that...


Bren
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

From Penshell

Anna,
You've show so much in here without saying, many layers that do intrigue as Michael has said. I love the edits you've taken so far. This is a profound little gem you've written,
I'm reading again to see what else I can absorb, I love that...


Bren
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[星子]

加了翻译

http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=36932
_________________

[[ANNA]]

加了翻译

http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=36932
_________________

[ericcoliu]

1)
做一个女人
我听见了,
做你的女人,
赤裸而纯粹.

而我如是?
我用层层镜子
装饰自己

你从来没有
裸露我
如此
底深. . .

2)
你看不见那些空
她住进去,
那个生命,你所创建的

你成为上帝
她只是伊娃

A reverse reiteration of the lines from Dickinson's poem, Title divine -- is mine!

Born -- Bridalled -- Shrouded --
In a Day --
Tri Victory
"My Husband" -- women say --
Stroking the Melody --
Is this -- the way?
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[[ericcoliu]]

1)
做一个女人
我听见了,
做你的女人,
赤裸而纯粹.

而我如是?
我用层层镜子
装饰自己

你从来没有
裸露我
如此
底深. . .

2)
你看不见那些空
她住进去,
那个生命,你所创建的

你成为上帝
她只是伊娃

A reverse reiteration of the lines from Dickinson's poem, Title divine -- is mine!

Born -- Bridalled -- Shrouded --
In a Day --
Tri Victory
"My Husband" -- women say --
Stroking the Melody --
Is this -- the way?
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul

[星子]

I didn't read Dickinson's this poem,
I wrote the above after reading http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=35864

http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=36149

google the Dickinson's poem

Title divine -- is mine!
The Wife -- without the Sign!
Acute Degree -- conferred on me --
Empress of Calvary!
Royal -- all but the Crown!
Betrothed -- without the swoon
God sends us Women --
When you -- hold -- Garnet to Garnet --
Gold -- to Gold --
Born -- Bridalled -- Shrouded --
In a Day --
Tri Victory
"My Husband" -- women say --
Stroking the Melody --
Is this -- the way?
_________________

[[ANNA]]

I didn't read Dickinson's this poem,
I wrote the above after reading http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=35864

http://www.coviews.com/viewtopic.php?t=36149

google the Dickinson's poem

Title divine -- is mine!
The Wife -- without the Sign!
Acute Degree -- conferred on me --
Empress of Calvary!
Royal -- all but the Crown!
Betrothed -- without the swoon
God sends us Women --
When you -- hold -- Garnet to Garnet --
Gold -- to Gold --
Born -- Bridalled -- Shrouded --
In a Day --
Tri Victory
"My Husband" -- women say --
Stroking the Melody --
Is this -- the way?
_________________

[dundas]

[[dundas]]

[anna]

From now on, I will re-edit most of my favorite poems.

I will not post the final versions in public since they will go to my poetry book. But I would post the interesting response during my editing.

From PenShells.

Hello Anna,

I like the typography used in this poem to highlight its line structure, which is an eye-catcher. The typographical structure contributes also to a perceptible rhythm - all the more audible in a subdued mood, giving a weepy tone out of a contextual implications (“Sleepless, I turn”) – a poor woman who never seems to be understood by her lover (“You fail to see / the emptiness”).

There are a couple of items that need to be revisited:
a) Deictic word often has definite meaning, capable of helping the reader on the identity of who is referred. In “Be woman,” the “woman” refers to a special type of woman, i.e., “your woman.,” but not to a general type of woman. It seems that “Be a woman” would be clearer than “Be woman.”

b) I noticed the sudden change of verb tense from a present tense to a past tense. You must have a special reason of doing so, though keeping two different tenses here may cause confusion. I am referring you to “You fail to see / the emptiness “ (which is in present tense) and to “I lived in / a life / you created for me” (which is in past tense). From the past tense used here, I presumed that the persona right now is no longer living a life in the way her lover created for her before, though this interpretation does not hold true since from the text your readers know that the persona’s lover still exerts influence on her (“You become the God / me, the Eve”).

BTW, I like “I clothe myself / in / m-i-r-r-o-r-s ...” To echo your style,

I made my comments
through
i-m-a-g- e-s…

Thanks for the read.
Xavier
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

From now on, I will re-edit most of my favorite poems.

I will not post the final versions in public since they will go to my poetry book. But I would post the interesting response during my editing.

From PenShells.

Hello Anna,

I like the typography used in this poem to highlight its line structure, which is an eye-catcher. The typographical structure contributes also to a perceptible rhythm - all the more audible in a subdued mood, giving a weepy tone out of a contextual implications (“Sleepless, I turn”) – a poor woman who never seems to be understood by her lover (“You fail to see / the emptiness”).

There are a couple of items that need to be revisited:
a) Deictic word often has definite meaning, capable of helping the reader on the identity of who is referred. In “Be woman,” the “woman” refers to a special type of woman, i.e., “your woman.,” but not to a general type of woman. It seems that “Be a woman” would be clearer than “Be woman.”

b) I noticed the sudden change of verb tense from a present tense to a past tense. You must have a special reason of doing so, though keeping two different tenses here may cause confusion. I am referring you to “You fail to see / the emptiness “ (which is in present tense) and to “I lived in / a life / you created for me” (which is in past tense). From the past tense used here, I presumed that the persona right now is no longer living a life in the way her lover created for her before, though this interpretation does not hold true since from the text your readers know that the persona’s lover still exerts influence on her (“You become the God / me, the Eve”).

BTW, I like “I clothe myself / in / m-i-r-r-o-r-s ...” To echo your style,

I made my comments
through
i-m-a-g- e-s…

Thanks for the read.
Xavier
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[anna]

Comments which pushes me to work on.

From M.
-----------------------

A---

the poem resonates for me when you stick to the more secular passages:




But am I?
I clothe myself
in
m-i-r-r-o-r-s . . .

You never unclothe me
that deep.

which is terrific, especially the mirror reference, which i understood as an additional way of saying you do not really see me.

and these lines, too, strike me with depth and force:


II
You fail to see
the emptiness

I live in
a life
you create for me

and here:



The last one.
Sleepless, I turn.

The night overwhelms –


however, the poem ventures into overstatement, seems overwrought when evoking literal biblical associations ---


You become the God
me, the Eve

and again here:


An apple dangles
in the garden,
a snake hisses nearby.


to the disfavor of the poem, i believe there is a stumble into the Helen Reddy anthem of a few years ago,



Quote:
I Am Woman

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again




and then the poem:


Be woman, I hear you,
Be Your Woman,
naked and pure.



this is about as far as i could go with that thought:



Be woman,
your woman.


we come forward from ms reddy to celine dion in vegas earlier this year ---


When you call on me
When I hear you
Breathe
I get wings to fly
I feel that Im alive


yes, i different POV. 25 years ago the universal and political affirmation (like Plath 25 years before that), celine today the very personal and sensual --- like olds.


several women are writing IBPC successful poems you might like to at least read --- Yoly Calderon-Horn, Laurel Dodge. Laurie Byro and Dorothy Mienko.



sink holes and illusions
by Dorothy D. Mienko


he opened me
to a different way of dying

and concludes:



I wore him on my skin
for days

in my breath
I stored his stories
and his poems



not your POV in your poem, i understand, but the level of personal statement, regardless of the specific argument, is what i am calling attention to at this point.


otherwise, still hard to beat Plath --- not just her "daddy" poem that is so often quoted, but this poem ---Elm --- here a few lines:



Quote:
A wind of such violence
Will tolerate no bystanding: I must shriek.

The moon, also, is merciless: she would drag me
Cruelly, being barren.
Her radiance scathes me


http://www.angelfire.com/punk2/themosquito/index49.elm.html


i think your poem is best when personal and sensual.

like Plath.


i like that the poem yearns to be something more than average. sets a high goal for itself.


bernie
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Comments which pushes me to work on.

From M.
-----------------------

A---

the poem resonates for me when you stick to the more secular passages:




But am I?
I clothe myself
in
m-i-r-r-o-r-s . . .

You never unclothe me
that deep.

which is terrific, especially the mirror reference, which i understood as an additional way of saying you do not really see me.

and these lines, too, strike me with depth and force:


II
You fail to see
the emptiness

I live in
a life
you create for me

and here:



The last one.
Sleepless, I turn.

The night overwhelms –


however, the poem ventures into overstatement, seems overwrought when evoking literal biblical associations ---


You become the God
me, the Eve

and again here:


An apple dangles
in the garden,
a snake hisses nearby.


to the disfavor of the poem, i believe there is a stumble into the Helen Reddy anthem of a few years ago,



Quote:
I Am Woman

I am woman, hear me roar
In numbers too big to ignore
And I know too much to go back an' pretend
'cause I've heard it all before
And I've been down there on the floor
No one's ever gonna keep me down again




and then the poem:


Be woman, I hear you,
Be Your Woman,
naked and pure.



this is about as far as i could go with that thought:



Be woman,
your woman.


we come forward from ms reddy to celine dion in vegas earlier this year ---


When you call on me
When I hear you
Breathe
I get wings to fly
I feel that Im alive


yes, i different POV. 25 years ago the universal and political affirmation (like Plath 25 years before that), celine today the very personal and sensual --- like olds.


several women are writing IBPC successful poems you might like to at least read --- Yoly Calderon-Horn, Laurel Dodge. Laurie Byro and Dorothy Mienko.



sink holes and illusions
by Dorothy D. Mienko


he opened me
to a different way of dying

and concludes:



I wore him on my skin
for days

in my breath
I stored his stories
and his poems



not your POV in your poem, i understand, but the level of personal statement, regardless of the specific argument, is what i am calling attention to at this point.


otherwise, still hard to beat Plath --- not just her "daddy" poem that is so often quoted, but this poem ---Elm --- here a few lines:



Quote:
A wind of such violence
Will tolerate no bystanding: I must shriek.

The moon, also, is merciless: she would drag me
Cruelly, being barren.
Her radiance scathes me


http://www.angelfire.com/punk2/themosquito/index49.elm.html


i think your poem is best when personal and sensual.

like Plath.


i like that the poem yearns to be something more than average. sets a high goal for itself.


bernie
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[胡志红]

。。
_________________
年年只有人空老，岁岁哪有花不同？
新浪博客：http://blog.sina.com.cn/huzhihong1973

[[云之彼端]]

。。
_________________
年年只有人空老，岁岁哪有花不同？
新浪博客：http://blog.sina.com.cn/huzhihong1973

[胡志红]

This is a very good poem.I may learn different things from different aspects.But maybe it just tell us a simple story between man and woman.
Maybe the girl just complain that her lover doesn't care about her.
_________________
年年只有人空老，岁岁哪有花不同？
新浪博客：http://blog.sina.com.cn/huzhihong1973

[[云之彼端]]

This is a very good poem.I may learn different things from different aspects.But maybe it just tell us a simple story between man and woman.
Maybe the girl just complain that her lover doesn't care about her.
_________________
年年只有人空老，岁岁哪有花不同？
新浪博客：http://blog.sina.com.cn/huzhihong1973