| 阅读上一个主题 :: 阅读下一个主题 |
| 作者 |
留言 |
dundas[dundas]
dundas作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-02-23
帖子: 214
|
 发表于: 星期一 三月 10, 2008 12:46 pm 发表主题: Snow Birds (revised) |
 |
|
Snow Birds
Unreal cities
Under the thick blanket
Of a winter day
Canadian snow birds*
Flocks of deserters
Have flown south
Nesting in palm trees.
Note:
Canadian "snow birds" are obscenely wealthy Canadians who fly to sunny Florida for the winter.
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well
最后进行编辑的是 dundas on 星期一 三月 17, 2008 1:30 pm, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
 |
星子[ANNA]
星子作品集
酷我！I made it！
注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto
|
| 发表于: 星期一 三月 10, 2008 3:43 pm 发表主题: |
|
|
Hi Dundus,
Unreal cities
Under the white blanket
The beginning is not poetic... I guess it could be more dramatic or sensitive...
,
_________________
 |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
redshoe[redshoe]
redshoe作品集
九品县令
（一不小心，做了官儿了。）
注册时间: 2008-02-13
帖子: 28
|
| 发表于: 星期一 三月 10, 2008 7:33 pm 发表主题: |
|
|
| 星子 写到: |
Unreal cities
Under the white blanket
The beginning is not poetic... I guess it could be more dramatic or sensitive...
|
I concur!
What do you think about the following lines:
Unreal city
Under the white mountain
_________________
I am a butterfly drunk with life. |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
|
| 发表于: 星期一 三月 10, 2008 11:18 pm 发表主题: |
|
|
| redshoe 写到: |
What do you think about the following lines:
Unreal city
Under the white mountain |
Too dramatic.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
|
| 发表于: 星期一 三月 10, 2008 11:21 pm 发表主题: |
|
|
| dundas 写到: |
Canadian snow birds*
Flocks of desertersHave flown south
Vacationing in sunny Florida
Note:
Canadian "snow birds" are obscenely wealthy Canadians who fly to sunny Florida for the winter. |
I think You feel evny toward obscenely wealthy Canadians. That's a sin.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
hahaview[hahaview]
hahaview作品集
六品通判
（官儿做大了，保持廉洁哦）
注册时间: 2008-02-07
帖子: 103
|
| 发表于: 星期二 三月 11, 2008 1:34 pm 发表主题: |
|
|
| ericcoliu 写到: |
I think You feel evny toward obscenely wealthy Canadians. That's a sin. |
Ha! Ha!
Recently, the Vatican has outlined seven new deadly sins of our time.
The new lists condemns genetic modification, carrying out experiments on humans, polluting the environment, causing social injustice, causing poverty, becoming obscenely wealthy and taking drugs.
_________________
I came, I saw, and I conquered |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
|
| 发表于: 星期二 三月 11, 2008 4:25 pm 发表主题: |
|
|
Hi dundas,
I am not good at crits but I always like to try.
How about changing the title to "Snow Birds", more poetic?
Thanks for your note on "snow birds", I never know that.
As for the first line of the poem, I don't think it has to be dramatic. There are different ways to start a poem. Some of the poems I read starting with just one or two words like "The sun."... My experience, if it is too powerful at the beginning, it is difficult to end. Yes, my opinion again.
I am thinking about "unreal" though. Why is it unreal? Because people leave?
Just my thoughts.
Cheers,
Lake |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
dundas[dundas]
dundas作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-02-23
帖子: 214
|
| 发表于: 星期四 三月 13, 2008 9:17 am 发表主题: |
|
|
| Lake 写到: |
How about changing the title to "Snow Birds", more poetic?
Thanks for your note on "snow birds", I never know that.
As for the first line of the poem, I don't think it has to be dramatic. There are different ways to start a poem. Some of the poems I read starting with just one or two words like "The sun."... My experience, if it is too powerful at the beginning, it is difficult to end. Yes, my opinion again.
|
Your points taken.
Thank you for your valuable suggestion.
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
dundas[dundas]
dundas作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-02-23
帖子: 214
|
| 发表于: 星期四 三月 13, 2008 9:21 am 发表主题: |
|
|
| hahaview 写到: |
Recently, the Vatican has outlined seven new deadly sins of our time.
The new lists condemns genetic modification, carrying out experiments on humans, polluting the environment, causing social injustice, causing poverty, becoming obscenely wealthy and taking drugs. |
Ha! Ha! You're "obscenely" funny.
Envy and obscene wealth now are enlisted among traditional and modern Seven Deadly Sins by the Vatican.
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
clair[clair]
clair作品集
七品按察司
（我开始管这里的事儿了）
注册时间: 2008-03-13
帖子: 83
|
| 发表于: 星期四 三月 13, 2008 10:32 am 发表主题: |
|
|
| Lake 写到: |
I am thinking about "unreal" though. Why is it unreal? Because people leave?
|
In my view, it's because these depressed cities are buried under the thick blanket of snow.
Just a thought.
_________________
This dark
Ceiling without a star |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water
|
| 发表于: 星期四 三月 13, 2008 11:37 am 发表主题: |
|
|
| clair 写到: |
In my view, it's because these depressed cities are buried under the thick blanket of snow.
Just a thought. |
Thanks for the explanation. Then I would like to see how depressed the cities are. "Unreal" is an opinion word, I think (or wrongly). |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集
二品总督
（刚入二品，小心做人）
注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada
|
| 发表于: 星期四 三月 13, 2008 8:27 pm 发表主题: Re: Snow Birds (revised) |
|
|
| dundas 写到: |
Snow Birds
Canadian snow birds*
Flocks of deserters
Have flown south
Vacationing in sunny Florida
Note:
Canadian "snow birds" are obscenely wealthy Canadians who fly to sunny Florida for the winter. |
The last line, “Vacationing in sunny Florida,” makes its connotational meaning too explicit.
In order to employ the "snow bird" metaphor throughout the rest of poem, I think it would be better to rewrite the last line as follows
Nesting in the palm trees.
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
christine[christine]
christine作品集
四品府丞
（封疆大吏也！）
注册时间: 2008-02-25
帖子: 304
|
| 发表于: 星期六 三月 15, 2008 9:25 am 发表主题: Re: Snow Birds (revised) |
|
|
| dundas 写到: |
Canadian snow birds*
Flocks of deserters
Note:
Canadian "snow birds" are obscenely wealthy Canadians who fly to sunny Florida for the winter. |
Your poem makes a pun on "snowbirds" which is the iconic name of the Canadian forces. |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
dundas[dundas]
dundas作品集
五品知州
（再努力一把就是四品大员了！）
注册时间: 2008-02-23
帖子: 214
|
| 发表于: 星期一 三月 17, 2008 1:31 pm 发表主题: Re: Snow Birds (revised) |
|
|
| ericcoliu 写到: |
In order to employ the "snow bird" metaphor throughout the rest of poem, I think it would be better to rewrite the last line as follows
Nesting in the palm trees. |
A good suggestion. Thanks.
_________________
My throat knew thirst before the structure
Of skin and vein around the well |
|
| 返回页首 |
|
|
|
常见问题与解答 (FAQ)
搜索
成员列表
成员组
注册
个人资料
登陆查看您的私人留言
登陆
