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Ode to life (以旧换新,,可能还是没改好,请批)

 
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星子[ANNA]
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酷我!I made it!
酷我!I made it!


注册时间: 2004-06-05
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来自: Toronto

帖子发表于: 星期三 一月 02, 2008 3:46 pm    发表主题: Ode to life (以旧换新,,可能还是没改好,请批) 引用并回复

Ode to life ( A sonnet?)

Early spring awakens lush desires.
Willows dangle twigs that softly sing;
beside the streams, reeds flaunt bright green fire;
hugging the shore, a swan preens its wing.

I wander alone, thinking of you,
Poplar trees whisper, flocks of birds soar.
My paces descend in cascades of blue,
I long to join the rings at our core.

Life is mystery currents , I pray
Love and being loved embrace each scene.
When time goes by, they will gladly weigh
Each moment as gold with its own sheen.

Petals will wither and rings will be worn,
I'd rather treasure this moment than mourn.
_________________


最后进行编辑的是 星子 on 星期四 一月 03, 2008 8:51 am, 总计第 2 次编辑
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Lake[Lake]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期三 一月 02, 2008 8:47 pm    发表主题: Re: Ode to life (以旧换新,,可能还是没改好,请批) 引用并回复

This is much better polished than your first draft. Good effort.

星子 写到:
Ode to life ( A sonnet?)

Early spring awakens lush desires. (9)
Willows dangle twigs that softly sing (9)
beside streams,reeds flaunt bright green fire (8
hugging the shore, a swan preens its wing. (9)

I wander alone, thinking of you, (9)
Poplar trees whisper, flocks of birds soar. (9)
My paces descend in cascades of blue, (10)
I long to join the rings at our core. (9)

Life is mystery currents , I pray (9)
Love and being loved embrace each scene. (9)
When time goes by, they will gladly weigh (9)
each moment as gold with its own sheen. (9)

Petals will wither and rings will be worn, (10)
I'd rather treasure this moment than mourn.(10)


Nowadays, a lot of contemporary poets write variations of sonnets.

If you are talking about traditional sonnets, the meters are a bit off.

For Shakespearean sonnets, iambic pentameter is often adopted, with some exceptions. It is hard, I know that.
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星子[ANNA]
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酷我!I made it!
酷我!I made it!


注册时间: 2004-06-05
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来自: Toronto

帖子发表于: 星期三 一月 02, 2008 10:31 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Hi Lake,

Thanks a lot.

I changed the ( 8 ) one.

But I count the below (9)? Sometimes I am really confused. I don't know how to count...
My paces descend in cascades of blue, (10)

Please let me know why you count 10?

the last two I want to keep 10, since they are the turn point.


I also concern the use of punctuation.

Please do let me know if it is misused
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Lake[Lake]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
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来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期四 一月 03, 2008 1:09 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

星子 写到:

But I count the below (9)?
My paces descend in cascades of blue, (10)

Please let me know why you count 10?


Hi 星子,

Here is how I counted, correct me if I'm wrong.

My(1) paces(2) descend(2) in (1) cascades (2) of (1) blue (1)

1+2+2+1+2+1+1=10

星子 写到:

the last two I want to keep 10, since they are the turn point.


That's fine with me especially when you want to write contemporary sonnets, you can vary on rhyme, meter and structure. But most traditional sonnets are 10 or 8 syllables a line.

星子 写到:

I also concern the use of punctuation.

Please do let me know if it is misused


I'm no expert on punctuation. One thing I observed is that you have a tendency to capitalize the first letter of the word at the beginning of the sentence. Then stick to it. Lines 3,4,12 are not in consistency.

You really did a decent job. Way to go!

.
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星子[ANNA]
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酷我!I made it!
酷我!I made it!


注册时间: 2004-06-05
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来自: Toronto

帖子发表于: 星期四 一月 03, 2008 8:50 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

Hi Lake,

I guess I count wrong in Paces.

I wonder if I can change it to "Steps".
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期六 一月 05, 2008 4:55 pm    发表主题: Re: Ode to life (以旧换新,,可能还是没改好,请批) 引用并回复

星子 写到:


beside the streams, reeds flaunt bright green fire;
hugging the shore, a swan preens its wing.



beside the streams or beside the stream?
a swan preens its wing or a swan preens its wings?
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Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
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Champagne[Champagne]
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四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期六 一月 05, 2008 8:49 pm    发表主题: Re: Ode to life (以旧换新,,可能还是没改好,请批) 引用并回复

星子 写到:


Life is mystery currents , I pray
Love and being loved embrace each scene.
When time goes by, they will gladly weigh
Each moment as gold with its own sheen.



Who are "they"?

Do you mean "love" and "being loved"?

How do "they" weigh each moment passing by?
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
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星子[ANNA]
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酷我!I made it!
酷我!I made it!


注册时间: 2004-06-05
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来自: Toronto

帖子发表于: 星期日 一月 06, 2008 10:45 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

Hi Eric,

I read your poem to TOPS yesterday. I will call you about the comments.

Streams or Stream I think both ok, since there are many willows and reeds, two streams across... but one stream may be have better view?

A swan preens one side of its wing.... So I may could just say: A swan preens its wing... ?

Let me know if you agree or not. Thanks
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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集

酷我!I made it!
酷我!I made it!


注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto

帖子发表于: 星期日 一月 06, 2008 10:47 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

Hi Champagne

Thanks for your question.

Who are "they"?

Do you mean "love" and "being loved"? yes.


How do "they" weigh each moment passing by? to weigh like gold....
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期日 一月 06, 2008 11:35 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

星子 写到:


Streams or Stream I think both ok, since there are many willows and reeds, two streams across... but one stream may be have better view?

A swan preens one side of its wing.... So I may could just say: A swan preens its wing... ?



Yes, there are grammatical errors in these two verse lines; however, poetically speaking, it seems to me that there is something awkward about these two lines.

My personal opinion only.
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Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
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