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A Duel With A Devil Shadow

 
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hongyun198[thinking]
hongyun198作品集

九品县令
(一不小心,做了官儿了。)
九品县令<BR>(一不小心,做了官儿了。)


注册时间: 2007-12-07
帖子: 32
来自: 北京

帖子发表于: 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 5:29 am    发表主题: A Duel With A Devil Shadow 引用并回复

A Duel With A Devil Shadow




I faced him now

The shadow

In the round abattoir

Wearing swords we stood

Holding breath we stared

No time to make a compromise

For it's a duel

Fair duel




Let me sing my last song like Whitman

Let me kiss my last liquid on the cheek

As a bard

I accept it to be an end

Of the lasting conflict

And the beginning

Of the legendary heroic




The wind howled the terrific noise

The mist gathered around us

Like a mixed soup

Devouring two jujubes

I was blinded

I was deaf

In the nonsense of the justice




Without fear I jumped out

From the shiny half to the dark

It leapt forward

From the dark to the shiny

In one second we met

Another we past




Gleaming like the open of a heaven

Burning eyes like the hellfire

The flash ended

Sword dropped

I fell

In the circle of the yard




Sunshine narrowed into lines

Dark pervaded the rest

I felt a wall on mind

Squeezing the souls out

There the shadow lay

In the center of my heart

I climbed to the despair

Filled the nothingness

With my own corpse

There I called the shadow's true name

hongyun




Thunder divided the cloud

Storm blew the mist away

The line widened and widened

Shining on the numb cold body

Just a little warm

Is enough for renascence


After the tiring dream

I was spit out

By the sunshine

Like a word
_________________
我触摸窒息,并借此恢复呼吸。


最后进行编辑的是 hongyun198 on 星期五 十二月 28, 2007 9:55 am, 总计第 2 次编辑
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 3:48 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

The language flows well. A couple of questions:

"Squzzing the souls out", what is 'squzzing'? Do you mean 'squeezing' or something else? I didn't find it in the dictionary.

"There the shadow lies ", 'lies' - the verb tense doesn't agree with those of other verbs in the poem.

I do like "Sunshine narrowed into lines ".

As for the content, though you depict it as a dream, it reads to me like a fight in a computer game. I may be way off...

By the way, can you resize your signature picture to make the post easier to read? Thanks.

Happy holidays!

.
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu]
ericcoliu作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2007-05-29
帖子: 1393
来自: GTA, Canada

帖子发表于: 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 9:39 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

hongyun198 写到:


A Duel With A Devil Shadow




I faced him now

The shadow



Without fear I jumped out

From the shiny half to the dark

It leapt forward

From the dark to the shiny

In one second we met

Another we past




Sunshine narrowed into lines

Dark pervaded the rest

I felt a wall on mind

Squzzing the souls out

There the shadow lies

In the center of my heart

I climbed to the despair

Filled the nothingness

With my own corpse

There I called the shadow's true name

hongyun





After the tiring dream

I was spit out

By the sunshine

Like a word




Lake 写到:


The language flows well.

As for the content, though you depict it as a dream, it reads to me like a fight in a computer game. I may be way off...



Yes, a RPG-like poetic work to illustrate the Jungian concept of "shadow."

Is it useful to call out the shadow for a duel, possibly inviting the greatest possible of personal trials?
_________________
Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul


最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 9:50 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑
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hongyun198[thinking]
hongyun198作品集

九品县令
(一不小心,做了官儿了。)
九品县令<BR>(一不小心,做了官儿了。)


注册时间: 2007-12-07
帖子: 32
来自: 北京

帖子发表于: 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 9:47 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

I did make a mistake on squeezing.
I'm so sorry for that.
And also the word "lies" is wrong, too
Thanks for your corrections and praise.
If it reads like a fight in a PC game, I must say that your feeling is so accurate.
I love games.
However, this poem's original idea comes from a novel: The wizard of earthsea.
It's so good a novel that I strongly recommend it to you.
_________________
我触摸窒息,并借此恢复呼吸。
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hongyun198[thinking]
hongyun198作品集

九品县令
(一不小心,做了官儿了。)
九品县令<BR>(一不小心,做了官儿了。)


注册时间: 2007-12-07
帖子: 32
来自: 北京

帖子发表于: 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 9:49 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

I did make a mistake on squeezing.
I'm so sorry for that.
And also the word "lies" is wrong, too
Thanks for your corrections and praise.
If it reads like a fight in a PC game, I must say that your feeling is so accurate.
I love games.
However, this poem's original idea comes from a novel: The wizard of earthsea.
It's so good a novel that I strongly recommend it to you.
_________________
我触摸窒息,并借此恢复呼吸。
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Champagne[Champagne]
Champagne作品集

四品府丞
(封疆大吏也!)
四品府丞<BR>(封疆大吏也!)


注册时间: 2007-09-15
帖子: 394
来自: Nowhere & Everywhere

帖子发表于: 星期日 十二月 23, 2007 5:50 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

A genuine, deeply felt piece of writing, except the issue regarding Verb Tense Consistency.

hongyun198 写到:


However, this poem's original idea comes from a novel: The wizard of earthsea.
It's so good a novel that I strongly recommend it to you.





Like Ursula K. Le Guin's A Wizard of Earthsea , which is a coming-of-age story following Ged's journey to escape and then overcome the un-named terror of the evil shadow, the naming power is culturally and psychologically significant in shaping one's quest for identity because when one has knowledge of the true name, the name of making of a person or an object, he has power over it.

hongyun198 写到:


Sunshine narrowed into lines

Dark pervaded the rest

I felt a wall on mind

Squeezing the souls out

There the shadow lay

In the center of my heart

I climbed to the despair

Filled the nothingness

With my own corpse

There I called the shadow's true name

hongyun



Yes, naming the devil shadow with its true name is the first step to come to term with one's dark side.

ericcoliu 写到:



Yes, a RPG-like poetic work to illustrate the Jungian concept of "shadow."



Yes, in A Wizard of Earthsea, Le Guin studied the Jungian concept of "shadow"-- a concept in which some aspects of the whole self are viewed as undesirable and, hence, denied and projected unto the Other. In her essay entitled The Child and the Shadow, she emphasized the importance of and individual having at least an understanding, if not full acceptance of the shadow-self.
_________________
I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.


最后进行编辑的是 Champagne on 星期一 十二月 24, 2007 3:10 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期一 十二月 24, 2007 1:24 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

hongyun,

You don't need to feel sorry, everyone makes mistakes. And the ones I pointed out are minor. If you don't mind here is another nitpick:

Storm blowed the mist away [/quote]

I think 'blowed' should be 'blew'.

Keep posting.

Cheers,

Lake
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hongyun198[thinking]
hongyun198作品集

九品县令
(一不小心,做了官儿了。)
九品县令<BR>(一不小心,做了官儿了。)


注册时间: 2007-12-07
帖子: 32
来自: 北京

帖子发表于: 星期四 十二月 27, 2007 11:20 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

Thanks for your correction and all the readers here and your remarks.
They mean a lot to me.
I prefer writing out those deep feelings in my mind.
This is the first time I wrote a poem in English so seriously.
However, it's hard to write in traditional form and fit the rythm.
So I mentioned Whitman, he's my ancestor in free form.
_________________
我触摸窒息,并借此恢复呼吸。
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