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hongyun198[thinking] hongyun198作品集 九品县令 (一不小心,做了官儿了。)
注册时间: 2007-12-07 帖子: 32 来自: 北京
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发表于: 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 5:29 am 发表主题: A Duel With A Devil Shadow |
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A Duel With A Devil Shadow
I faced him now
The shadow
In the round abattoir
Wearing swords we stood
Holding breath we stared
No time to make a compromise
For it's a duel
Fair duel
Let me sing my last song like Whitman
Let me kiss my last liquid on the cheek
As a bard
I accept it to be an end
Of the lasting conflict
And the beginning
Of the legendary heroic
The wind howled the terrific noise
The mist gathered around us
Like a mixed soup
Devouring two jujubes
I was blinded
I was deaf
In the nonsense of the justice
Without fear I jumped out
From the shiny half to the dark
It leapt forward
From the dark to the shiny
In one second we met
Another we past
Gleaming like the open of a heaven
Burning eyes like the hellfire
The flash ended
Sword dropped
I fell
In the circle of the yard
Sunshine narrowed into lines
Dark pervaded the rest
I felt a wall on mind
Squeezing the souls out
There the shadow lay
In the center of my heart
I climbed to the despair
Filled the nothingness
With my own corpse
There I called the shadow's true name
hongyun
Thunder divided the cloud
Storm blew the mist away
The line widened and widened
Shining on the numb cold body
Just a little warm
Is enough for renascence
After the tiring dream
I was spit out
By the sunshine
Like a word _________________ 我触摸窒息,并借此恢复呼吸。
最后进行编辑的是 hongyun198 on 星期五 十二月 28, 2007 9:55 am, 总计第 2 次编辑 |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 3:48 pm 发表主题: |
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The language flows well. A couple of questions:
"Squzzing the souls out", what is 'squzzing'? Do you mean 'squeezing' or something else? I didn't find it in the dictionary.
"There the shadow lies ", 'lies' - the verb tense doesn't agree with those of other verbs in the poem.
I do like "Sunshine narrowed into lines ".
As for the content, though you depict it as a dream, it reads to me like a fight in a computer game. I may be way off...
By the way, can you resize your signature picture to make the post easier to read? Thanks.
Happy holidays!
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ericcoliu[ericcoliu] ericcoliu作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2007-05-29 帖子: 1393 来自: GTA, Canada
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发表于: 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 9:39 pm 发表主题: |
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hongyun198 写到: |
A Duel With A Devil Shadow
I faced him now
The shadow
Without fear I jumped out
From the shiny half to the dark
It leapt forward
From the dark to the shiny
In one second we met
Another we past
Sunshine narrowed into lines
Dark pervaded the rest
I felt a wall on mind
Squzzing the souls out
There the shadow lies
In the center of my heart
I climbed to the despair
Filled the nothingness
With my own corpse
There I called the shadow's true name
hongyun
After the tiring dream
I was spit out
By the sunshine
Like a word
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Lake 写到: |
The language flows well.
As for the content, though you depict it as a dream, it reads to me like a fight in a computer game. I may be way off...
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Yes, a RPG-like poetic work to illustrate the Jungian concept of "shadow."
Is it useful to call out the shadow for a duel, possibly inviting the greatest possible of personal trials? _________________ Time is nothing but a disquiet of the soul
最后进行编辑的是 ericcoliu on 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 9:50 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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hongyun198[thinking] hongyun198作品集 九品县令 (一不小心,做了官儿了。)
注册时间: 2007-12-07 帖子: 32 来自: 北京
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发表于: 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 9:47 pm 发表主题: |
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I did make a mistake on squeezing.
I'm so sorry for that.
And also the word "lies" is wrong, too
Thanks for your corrections and praise.
If it reads like a fight in a PC game, I must say that your feeling is so accurate.
I love games.
However, this poem's original idea comes from a novel: The wizard of earthsea.
It's so good a novel that I strongly recommend it to you. _________________ 我触摸窒息,并借此恢复呼吸。 |
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hongyun198[thinking] hongyun198作品集 九品县令 (一不小心,做了官儿了。)
注册时间: 2007-12-07 帖子: 32 来自: 北京
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发表于: 星期五 十二月 21, 2007 9:49 pm 发表主题: |
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I did make a mistake on squeezing.
I'm so sorry for that.
And also the word "lies" is wrong, too
Thanks for your corrections and praise.
If it reads like a fight in a PC game, I must say that your feeling is so accurate.
I love games.
However, this poem's original idea comes from a novel: The wizard of earthsea.
It's so good a novel that I strongly recommend it to you. _________________ 我触摸窒息,并借此恢复呼吸。 |
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Champagne[Champagne] Champagne作品集 四品府丞 (封疆大吏也!)
注册时间: 2007-09-15 帖子: 394 来自: Nowhere & Everywhere
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发表于: 星期日 十二月 23, 2007 5:50 pm 发表主题: |
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A genuine, deeply felt piece of writing, except the issue regarding Verb Tense Consistency.
hongyun198 写到: |
However, this poem's original idea comes from a novel: The wizard of earthsea.
It's so good a novel that I strongly recommend it to you.
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Like Ursula K. Le Guin's A Wizard of Earthsea , which is a coming-of-age story following Ged's journey to escape and then overcome the un-named terror of the evil shadow, the naming power is culturally and psychologically significant in shaping one's quest for identity because when one has knowledge of the true name, the name of making of a person or an object, he has power over it.
hongyun198 写到: |
Sunshine narrowed into lines
Dark pervaded the rest
I felt a wall on mind
Squeezing the souls out
There the shadow lay
In the center of my heart
I climbed to the despair
Filled the nothingness
With my own corpse
There I called the shadow's true name
hongyun
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Yes, naming the devil shadow with its true name is the first step to come to term with one's dark side.
ericcoliu 写到: |
Yes, a RPG-like poetic work to illustrate the Jungian concept of "shadow."
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Yes, in A Wizard of Earthsea, Le Guin studied the Jungian concept of "shadow"-- a concept in which some aspects of the whole self are viewed as undesirable and, hence, denied and projected unto the Other. In her essay entitled The Child and the Shadow, she emphasized the importance of and individual having at least an understanding, if not full acceptance of the shadow-self. _________________ I'm Champagne,
Bottled poetry with sparkling joy.
最后进行编辑的是 Champagne on 星期一 十二月 24, 2007 3:10 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期一 十二月 24, 2007 1:24 pm 发表主题: |
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hongyun,
You don't need to feel sorry, everyone makes mistakes. And the ones I pointed out are minor. If you don't mind here is another nitpick:
Storm blowed the mist away [/quote]
I think 'blowed' should be 'blew'.
Keep posting.
Cheers,
Lake |
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hongyun198[thinking] hongyun198作品集 九品县令 (一不小心,做了官儿了。)
注册时间: 2007-12-07 帖子: 32 来自: 北京
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发表于: 星期四 十二月 27, 2007 11:20 am 发表主题: |
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Thanks for your correction and all the readers here and your remarks.
They mean a lot to me.
I prefer writing out those deep feelings in my mind.
This is the first time I wrote a poem in English so seriously.
However, it's hard to write in traditional form and fit the rythm.
So I mentioned Whitman, he's my ancestor in free form. _________________ 我触摸窒息,并借此恢复呼吸。 |
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