酷我-北美枫

[Champagne]

[[Champagne]]

[anna]

Hi Eric,

Just post the comments from Penshell.

It seems Brenda agree with you in some way. (Now I take both your suggestions and revise it again to my previous version)


Hi Anna. Part I was once a separate poem, and referred to a recently-divorced woman whom the speaker felt was lucky to be free. I miss that element as it explained a bit more about the situation, and gave the speaker a reason to think about how easily life can blow away. I felt that the speaker was somehow trapped, and longing to escape as the divorcee had presumably done.

But now I don't see this aspect, and as I said, it made the poem stronger - at least emotionally - for me.

In Part 2, the word "hers" in the first line throws me a bit. I know what you mean - there are many women just like this one. But "hers" isn't the best way to make the plural. Maybe "there are many like her"?

In S3, part 2, maybe "silently wait". This is a very effective passage, as it conveys a sense of hopelessness. It's like these women are lined up at a market, placed on display for someone to buy. They have grown too old to attract much attention now.

The last two lines let us know that, even though she may not be the happiest wife on earth, at least the speaker HAS a husband. She's not part of that line-up beside the wall. Her wedding ring shines partly to remind her that she has been "taken" and partly, I think, to suggest that she would not be free to respond if other eyes were to look at her with interest. So I'm getting a mix of relief and regret.

There is much to think about here - layers of meaning are revealed when one searches for them.

Brenda
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com

[[星子安娜]]

Hi Eric,

Just post the comments from Penshell.

It seems Brenda agree with you in some way. (Now I take both your suggestions and revise it again to my previous version)


Hi Anna. Part I was once a separate poem, and referred to a recently-divorced woman whom the speaker felt was lucky to be free. I miss that element as it explained a bit more about the situation, and gave the speaker a reason to think about how easily life can blow away. I felt that the speaker was somehow trapped, and longing to escape as the divorcee had presumably done.

But now I don't see this aspect, and as I said, it made the poem stronger - at least emotionally - for me.

In Part 2, the word "hers" in the first line throws me a bit. I know what you mean - there are many women just like this one. But "hers" isn't the best way to make the plural. Maybe "there are many like her"?

In S3, part 2, maybe "silently wait". This is a very effective passage, as it conveys a sense of hopelessness. It's like these women are lined up at a market, placed on display for someone to buy. They have grown too old to attract much attention now.

The last two lines let us know that, even though she may not be the happiest wife on earth, at least the speaker HAS a husband. She's not part of that line-up beside the wall. Her wedding ring shines partly to remind her that she has been "taken" and partly, I think, to suggest that she would not be free to respond if other eyes were to look at her with interest. So I'm getting a mix of relief and regret.

There is much to think about here - layers of meaning are revealed when one searches for them.

Brenda
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com