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Indigo night (Comments from TOPS workshop)

 
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anna[星子安娜]
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注册时间: 2004-05-02
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帖子发表于: 星期三 六月 13, 2007 3:47 pm    发表主题: Indigo night (Comments from TOPS workshop) 引用并回复

Decades pass.
Last night,
Over the line,
I heard you again.

Through blue waves,
I was listening,
And trembling with ache.
--indigo splashed along
faraway memory.

Breezes come and go.
sunflowers wither and bloom,
Your words settled as seeds,
left to tell -- with sunlight.

靛青的夜

十年,二十年过去,
昨夜,
电话一头,
我再一次听见你.

越过蓝色的波澜,
我一直聆听,
微颤着心痛—
靛蓝飞溅遥远的记忆.

风来了又去,
向日葵谢了又开,
你的话语安落成籽
留下述说—
迎着阳光.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com


最后进行编辑的是 anna on 星期四 三月 27, 2008 10:36 pm, 总计第 6 次编辑
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不清[不清]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-03-22
帖子: 1364

帖子发表于: 星期三 六月 13, 2007 3:59 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

the ending "your words settle as seeds" is beautiful.... Very Happy
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「四十二排浪,沒有一排是相似的」——不清

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荧石[荧石]
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三品按察使
(天,你是斑竹吧?)
三品按察使<BR>(天,你是斑竹吧?)


注册时间: 2006-10-12
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帖子发表于: 星期三 六月 13, 2007 4:05 pm    发表主题: to be consistent, 引用并回复

Breeze comes and goes,
Sunflowers wither and bloom,
And your words settle as seeds--
Left to tell –with sunlight.
_________________
一只大手蒙住了我的眼睛, 黑夜便成了我的光明.

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anna[星子安娜]
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帖子发表于: 星期三 六月 13, 2007 10:12 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Thanks 不清. I like it too.

Thanks 荧石.

I know what you mean about the tense... but I want to express the common truth... then my feeling...
Let me discuss with TOPS poets next week to see when I can switch the tense.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com
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帖子发表于: 星期日 六月 24, 2007 10:01 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

Just want to share.

Yesterday afternoon I joined the poetry workshop.

I read this poem and they liked it very much, especially the last verse.

I also asked my question about the tense. I mixed the present tense and past tense in one poem, is it ok.

They said it depended.

As the first line: Decades pass. (It implies the time passes as the fact)
but if it is: Decades past. (It implies you were waiting and decades past. so it is up to what you want to say. For me, since my old friend called me 10 years later in my surprise, so it should be: Decades pass... since I was not waiting for his call...)

Another tense mix is the last verse:

They think it works, since this could be the fact...and the impact to you later on....

So the line:
Your words settle as seeds
or Your words settled as seeds
both works.

Later I commented, when I wrote it like this, I just felt it needed to be like this but I could not tell why...
so after the workshop, I know why and I understand myself more. Great!
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com
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不清[不清]
不清作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-03-22
帖子: 1364

帖子发表于: 星期日 六月 24, 2007 8:34 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Good for you Anna...

When is the next workshop, I want to see what others think about my poems too. So far, I only get it from Bunny, which is not enough.
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「四十二排浪,沒有一排是相似的」——不清

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星子[ANNA]
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酷我!I made it!
酷我!I made it!


注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto

帖子发表于: 星期一 六月 25, 2007 8:23 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

欢迎你来...不过下一次我们在九月开始.
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帖子发表于: 星期一 六月 25, 2007 9:44 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

forgot to mention our topic was very interesting:

Our discussion topic was "Is there such a thing as men's poetry and women's poetry?"
The consensus was that there is a large body of poetry that is not gender specific
but that poetry that was especially agressive either in content or in word choice
was 'men's'; and that poetry that delved into deep personal emotions tended to be
'women's' poetry. We taked about how society tends to discourge men from dealing
honestly with their emotions.
_________________
---------------------

Anna Yin

《爱的灯塔-星子安娜双语诗选》
<Nightlights> <Seven Nights with the Chinese Zodiac> ...

http://annapoetry.com
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