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The Man Who Stretches
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期四 三月 01, 2007 12:46 pm    发表主题: The Man Who Stretches 引用并回复

(大雪纷飞的日子,能干什么呢?写雪吧,写在雪日发生的事吧。
请给点耐心,看看这个超长是否可读。谢谢。)

The Man Who Stretches

It was a sleet day.
Slushy, slippery.
We slid into a sports store,
hoping the skates can be
stretched to a half size larger.

We waited patiently for Don,
the only one in Strauss
who knew the trade.

Fifteen minutes passed.

To save six hundred bucks,
in patience we waited.

Then an old man
loomed beside me, his chin
drooped nearly to his chest,
back hunched.

Are you looking for me?
What can I do for you?

He asked.

Are you Don? Don’t you
have an apprentice?

I answered.

Trudging back with a ruler,
he measured the boots with
his eyes so close to the readings
that his nose almost touched the insoles.

My daughter quietly sat
on the bench as instructed
to try on the stretched skates.

Bandy-legged, Don, one hand
on the floor, knelt down
with his right leg first,
then the left. The shoelace
seemed so delicate in his knuckle
protruding hands. He fastened it
with all his effort nonetheless.

Looking up, he asked,
How do you feel now?

Better. Replied my daughter.

Do you still feel the tightness
around your toes? The bumps
on your heels?


I was about to say,
that’s good enough.

But Don insisted:
Tell me, how would you grade it—
Better, worse, good, pretty good?


I watched him rise to his feet
with more difficulty than the way
he knelt down.
I didn’t come up to help him,
as I wished in my mind.
Instead, I turned my head away.
Slightly.

Can you imagine a man
of four score and seven years
helping a girl fit in a pair of skates
on a heavy snow day?

Here is something for you, Don.
I put some change in his hand.
Gratefully.

Thank you!
He winked at my daughter,
a glint in his eyes,
a stretch
of one’s
lifespan.



03/01/07


最后进行编辑的是 Lake on 星期一 三月 05, 2007 2:28 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑
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博弈[Mark]
博弈作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-09-24
帖子: 1484
来自: San Francisco

帖子发表于: 星期五 三月 02, 2007 2:08 am    发表主题: Re: The Man Who Stretches 引用并回复

Lake 写到:
(大雪纷飞的日子,能干什么呢?写雪吧,写在雪日发生的事吧。
请给点耐心,看看这个超长是否可读。谢谢。)

The Man Who Stretches

It was a sleet day.

We waited patiently for Don,
the only one in Strauss
that knew the trade.


came to work on a heavy snow day,



03/01/07


读了,收尾有点像读者文摘里的感人文笔。

上面三个可否斟酌;

sleety

who (应该人性化一点啊)

on a day of heavy snow (or heavy-snow day?), heavy snow day 大概也可以, 有点意思 Smile
_________________
Sometimes I am busy
Sometimes I am free
In between, there's it
Until I find thee...
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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集

酷我!I made it!
酷我!I made it!


注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto

帖子发表于: 星期五 三月 02, 2007 10:02 am    发表主题: 引用并回复

作为诗,还是应该精简,,,和跳跃
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期五 三月 02, 2007 11:11 am    发表主题: Re: The Man Who Stretches 引用并回复

博弈 写到:


读了,收尾有点像读者文摘里的感人文笔。

上面三个可否斟酌;

sleety

who (应该人性化一点啊)

on a day of heavy snow (or heavy-snow day?), heavy snow day 大概也可以, 有点意思 Smile


谢谢博弈的读评。没觉得太长?

是谁说的来着?博弈和蔼可亲。真的是!

“收尾有点像读者文摘里的感人文笔。“ 您这是委婉地批评“程序化”了吧?
不过还是很感谢您能读出“感人”,一个目的达到了。
恐怕不是所有人都会读出如此感觉。
我确实在结尾处犯了些琢磨,开始是写 a glint in his watery eyes,
老人的眼在冷天或风天经常会watery 的。但觉得有点丑化了。又想,stretch
这个词不仅可以用来 stretch the skates, 还可以用来延长一个人的生命力。
这确实是我在这件小事中的体会,结尾就成这样了。还是笔力不够呀。

其他三点可以考虑。

sleet day, maybe it is better to say it was sleeting outside?
sleety, 和 Slushy, slippery 在一起,three "sl" and "y", 可收到另外一种声 韵效果。 Smile

后两点,either way. 不过我同意 who 更人性化。

再次感谢博弈。 特别感谢具体的建议。我对读者的评论是很认真的。

Keep commenting.

Thanks.
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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期五 三月 02, 2007 12:14 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

星子 写到:
作为诗,还是应该精简,,,和跳跃


谢谢星子的批评。

我会尝试写短诗的,但不写这种题材。
我觉得内容、题材和形式还是有关系的。
比如,14行主要用来写爱情、大自然、冥想、哀悼、欢庆等。
一些哲理诗就比较短小。描述历史事件或叙事诗非长不可(不是说我啊 Wink )。
读过 Chaucer's Cantubury Tales 没有?我硬着头皮读了几章,那可是一本书呢。

就把这首当作 prose poem 好了。不是有这种体吗?

你可能比较喜欢多用imagery 的诗,其实西方的所谓 imagist 诗人还不是学的我们的老祖宗。贴一首 Ezra Pound 的两行诗,请欣赏:

In a Station of the Metro

The apparition of these faces in the crowd;
Petals on a wet, black bough.

据说这是由第一稿的30行一年半后修改的结果。很像haiku吧?

老实说,要想写出vivid,detailed 诗并不容易。不是把句子拉长或把诗章拉长就可做到的。我这方面还很差。这首其实已被我删去了两节,还显长。但有些情感还是表达得不够。你说气不气人!一晚写出来的,过于仓促。

说太多了,不好意思。

谢谢直言。
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星子[ANNA]
星子作品集

酷我!I made it!
酷我!I made it!


注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto

帖子发表于: 星期五 三月 02, 2007 12:31 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake,

I believe your english is better than mine.

When I began to write poems in English, I got a lot of critiques.

Some people even thought I could not write English poems after I learn better English.

I never gave up and showed to them two years later and got their respect and admiration.

Some local poets even ask me to teach them how to write poems in simplicity yet meaningful.

I know what they are really attracted by my poems is the unique voice and creativity.

So What I could suggest is to try and never bother what others say or think.

I wrote a lot of poems (love poems), I never fear what others think or guess, what I write I really want to touch someone, if not others, then myself.

Poetry is a world, you can live inside... for me, it is a very beautiful world with wonderful imaginations. (no matter if there is others or not...)
_________________


最后进行编辑的是 星子 on 星期五 三月 02, 2007 4:51 pm, 总计第 1 次编辑
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Lake[Lake]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期五 三月 02, 2007 1:03 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

谢谢星子鼓励的话。
很佩服你能在如此短的时间有如此成就,更佩服你坚韧不拔的精神。
我是一个 layback person. 欠缺这种精神。

以前也经常收到这样的comments:
fresh, new, original, elegant, soothing, good imagery, metaphor
a taste of oriental, etc...
Now I start getting tired of all these junks, I know myself.

A long way to go.
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星子[ANNA]
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酷我!I made it!
酷我!I made it!


注册时间: 2004-06-05
帖子: 13192
来自: Toronto

帖子发表于: 星期五 三月 02, 2007 4:50 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

A long way to go.

for me too.

what I hope is when I retire, I still keep the passion for poetry.
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Lake[Lake]
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二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期一 三月 05, 2007 3:21 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

This is what love is all about

sitting in the ice arena
for twwwwwo hours
wrapped
in wool blanket
listening to girls-gone-wild
to watch
your daughter
compete
for just two minutes
with no idea
if one day
by any chance
you will see her
sit in the "kiss n' cry" area
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不清[不清]
不清作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-03-22
帖子: 1364

帖子发表于: 星期二 三月 06, 2007 1:20 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

i should learn from 星子.........

Sad
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「四十二排浪,沒有一排是相似的」——不清

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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
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来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期二 三月 06, 2007 2:14 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

bu qing gen cuo tie le?
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不清[不清]
不清作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-03-22
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帖子发表于: 星期二 三月 06, 2007 2:58 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Lake 写到:
bu qing gen cuo tie le?


我的PINYIN不好,GEN CUO TIE LE是什麼?
_________________
「四十二排浪,沒有一排是相似的」——不清

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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
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来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期二 三月 06, 2007 3:57 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

Never mind. I thought you posted to the wrong place.
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不清[不清]
不清作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-03-22
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帖子发表于: 星期三 三月 07, 2007 11:08 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

haha, read the poem again. i don't think it's long. In far, with the length of the poem, it should carry a bit more substance to it. The ending was nice, but predictable i feel.
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「四十二排浪,沒有一排是相似的」——不清

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Lake[Lake]
Lake作品集

二品总督
(刚入二品,小心做人)
二品总督<BR>(刚入二品,小心做人)


注册时间: 2006-10-10
帖子: 1341
来自: Sky Blue Water

帖子发表于: 星期四 三月 08, 2007 4:07 pm    发表主题: 引用并回复

不清 写到:
haha, read the poem again. i don't think it's long. In far, with the length of the poem, it should carry a bit more substance to it. The ending was nice, but predictable i feel.


写得不好,粗糙得很。原来ending 不是这样的...

一些人的解读:

A simple scene with a thought provoking conclusion.

This is a nice tribute type of poem. I'm sure he would love to know that you thought so highly of him........

I think this poem paints a touching portrait. I love little slices of life like this.

this has a subtlety to it I think some have missed unless it is just me reading more into it. It speaks of the old man being needed. He doesn't want an apprentice. He would be unwanted or needed. It made him happy to be useful and helpful. Its what we all want in life I think.
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