酷我-北美枫

不清 · 发表于: 星期日十月 22, 2006 4:49 pm 发表主题: Grandma's fish

Grandma's fish

Thus, I thought of my childhood
picking a toy car from the shelf
of a toy store,
removing it from the jammed highway
along with an irritated driver.
of course I wasn't the one paying.
she's my little grandma,
choosing to go to the market
by foot.
It seemed a long journey,
and the poor fish struggled,
flipping in a crinkled plastic bag
making groan of sizzle.
a morning of light rain washes down
the autumn leaves,
as I sit dully here

20061022
20061025 ed.

外婆的魚 (一改)

便想起童年
從玩具店的陳列架上
挑選一輛玩具車
讓繁忙的公路上也少一輛
少一個暴躁的人
當然付錢的不是你
是你矮小的外婆
她選擇步行
從街市到家那漫長的路上
新鮮的魚在掙扎
在膠袋裡彈跳並且
令膠袋發出唦唦的呻吟
雨水洗滌路邊的黃葉
你在車裡發呆

20061022
_________________
「四十二排浪，沒有一排是相似的」——不清

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Lake · 发表于: 星期一十月 23, 2006 11:06 am 发表主题:

Hi 不清,

I am glad you took my words deleting the three lines that you thought sounded less poetic. However, I am not quite sure if it adds strength to the poem or decreases the clarity of the meaning of the poem. Wink

Each version has its own sensibilities and they are to be respected. Exclamation

The English version flows well, I think. Just a few notes here:

'little grandma' is cute. Cool

'sizzle' often connects with cooking, dish on a frying pan... A possible alternative 'rustle'? 'flop' for 'flip' ?

"It was a long journey it seems." The tense doesn't sound right to me. Maybe "It seemed a long journey"?

Good effort. Enjoyed it.

Best,
Lake

不清 · 发表于: 星期一十月 23, 2006 11:31 am 发表主题:

thanks for your suggestion and encouragement. Like i said before, my english language is not that great, eventhough i have been living in canada for over 15 years! shame on me! Embarassed

haha!

I used "sizzle" hoping to foreshadow the fish that was going to be cooked. maybe i have over-tried! Idea

Lake · 发表于: 星期一十月 23, 2006 11:41 am 发表主题:

星子 · 发表于: 星期一十月 23, 2006 1:51 pm 发表主题:

how about changing Thus into "Therefore" sound better?

removing it from the jammed highway
along with an irritated driver. ----- seems a huge jump here
of course I wasn't the one paying.

all in all it sounds great and thoughtful
_________________

不清 · 发表于: 星期二十月 24, 2006 11:12 am 发表主题:

Lake · 发表于: 星期三十月 25, 2006 12:04 pm 发表主题:

我觉得thus 比 therefore 好。如不清说的，單音節，不拖拉，一下就把 speaker 带到以往的回忆中。初读时，也感到突兀；再读，就觉得好，一种跳跃的思路，往事如走马灯一样浮现...