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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期三 九月 27, 2006 3:35 pm 发表主题: Root carving (根雕) 自译 |
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Root carving
This tree falls
in the echoes of the saw,
roots pulled up roughly.
A pair of dedicated hands
then chisel it
until its historical strength reappears.
Those dying once resilient parts,
survived many flashes of lightning,
before our admiring eyes,
framed as a symbol of beauty and life.
We cuddle our heart –
in layers upon layers of cold soil,
transplanted again and again,
the hardship beyond anyone’s touch.
这棵树在锯声中倒下,
不久就要连根拔起。
经一双精巧的手慢慢雕凿,
它重现地底下的苍虬。
将死却益发刚劲的枝,
逃过了无数次雷击,
如今休憩于人们的顶礼,
凝成美的定格和观摩.
我们捂紧被冻土
层层包裹的心,
一次次移植,
不为人触摸的沧桑。 _________________
最后进行编辑的是 星子 on 星期三 十月 04, 2006 11:51 am, 总计第 1 次编辑 |
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期三 九月 27, 2006 8:41 pm 发表主题: |
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谢谢非马的建议.
好多了 _________________
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非马[FAFAFA] 非马作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2005-10-15 帖子: 1053
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发表于: 星期二 十月 03, 2006 2:32 pm 发表主题: |
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星子好!
wrapped in layers up layers of cold soil 里的 up 似乎该是 upon |
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期二 十月 03, 2006 8:48 pm 发表主题: |
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谢谢非马老师...
我又改了一点,,,想把它表现更明确一点...不知可行? _________________
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期四 十月 12, 2006 2:34 pm 发表主题: |
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发现这是精华帖,定当一读。
The photo is great, the poem is symbolic. I see where the inspiration comes from. I really like it.
I only have a problem with this line:
引用: | Those dying once resilient parts |
The word 'once' sounds awkward here to me. It doesn't make any sense if you read it like "Those dying once/resilient parts'. If it reads like "Those dying/once resilient parts", the meaning contradicts to your Chinese version " 将死却益发刚劲的枝". I wonder if the word 'yet' can be used instead. "Those dying yet resilient parts".
I also find some verb tenses don't agree, present versus past.
This is just my take. Take it or ignore it, it is all up to you.
Cheers,
Lake |
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期四 十月 12, 2006 3:00 pm 发表主题: |
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Thanks Lake. Good catch. (I will explain....)
The translation is not tightly matched, I know.
I slightly changed my English version since I found it better as it be. (^ ^)
Those dying once resilient parts (Could be read
Those dying, once resilient parts
(not as the same meaning as Chinese one)
I mean the roots will die soon , but in the past, no matter how many tragedies, they recovered...)
We cuddle our heart ( tense is present) Mean we watch and think of us...then cuddle our heart...
Transplanted... (means our heart being transplanted again...and again...)
So you know what I mean?
Do you still have question?
Please let me know.
This is a reflection of immigrant.
Thanks. _________________
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期五 十月 13, 2006 2:04 pm 发表主题: |
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Thanks 星子 for your explanation.
引用: | The translation is not tightly matched, I know.
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Quite understandable. I have nothing to say against it.
引用: | Those dying once resilient parts (Could be read
Those dying, once resilient parts
(not as the same meaning as Chinese one)
I mean the roots will die soon , but in the past, no matter how many tragedies, they recovered...)
We cuddle our heart ( tense is present) Mean we watch and think of us...then cuddle our heart...
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Now I see where you are getting at. Acutally, after a few reads, I feel both versions workable. It is just what you admitted "not as the same meaning as Chinese one" stumbled me.
To be honest, I like the meaning in Chinese '将死却益发刚劲的枝' better than that in English 'Those dying once resilient parts '. Since as what I get from your poem, the roots are not dying in a way, they now stand as 'a symbol of beauty and life'.
As for the verb tense, I am thinking about the two verbs in the 3rd stanza, 'survived' and 'framed' ('transplanted' is self explanable). I feel there is something missing there, and then it makes me hesitant to add anything being afraid it will sound prosaic. Maybe is just me.
Sorry for my rambling. Hope you don't mind.
PS: It is pretty quiet here compared with other columns. |
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星子[ANNA] 星子作品集 酷我!I made it!
注册时间: 2004-06-05 帖子: 13192 来自: Toronto
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发表于: 星期五 十月 13, 2006 2:32 pm 发表主题: |
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Thanks....
survived... happend in the past....(lightning)
Framed...(be framed... root carving)
We (CFP and TOPS ) have local workshop and reading poem session closed to lakeshore/ 3th line...each month.
If you want, you are welcome to come and share your piece. _________________
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Lake[Lake] Lake作品集 二品总督 (刚入二品,小心做人)
注册时间: 2006-10-10 帖子: 1341 来自: Sky Blue Water
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发表于: 星期日 十月 15, 2006 12:05 am 发表主题: |
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Thanks for inviting me over, 星子. Poetry workshops, hummm... sounds like a fun place. But what do CFP and TOPS stand for? I am not sure if I can make it, though I really want to. |
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